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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."


Widowed in 2012

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Comment by chez2all on April 17, 2012 at 5:33am

5 weeks in and i'm rushing around trying to get as much of the ending stuff done before I have to go back to work next week.  So much to do, so little energy!  I'm into my 2nd widowhood and so much is familiar and yet so strange.  Doug's death was by suicide and so there was no time to prepare myself or the kids, no time for goodbyes.  Overall I have been able to be more positive in my approach to my grief as I learned not to smother it.  But I have to admit to feeling fairly overwhelmed this week as I try to get in my last 'free' grief sessions.

I have had lots of support from family and friends but most don't really have any idea what any of us are going through.  I look forward to getting to know each of you in our new 'club' and I am sorry that we are here, but at least we have a safe place to land when we need to.

Thank you for providing this forum and all the support I have received over the past few days since discovering this site.

Comment by Ccdague on April 14, 2012 at 12:06pm
Pebbles...thank you for your thoughts. I arrived home to the joyous greeting of my tonkinese cat Molly............and the house was peaceful with the music playing softly in the background....just as it always is when I arrive home. I immediately felt calm, at peace, and glad to be wrapped in my own surroundings. I had a glass of wine while unwinding from a 12-hour travel day and fell into the deepest sleep I have had since Denny's death three weeks ago. I am going to be all right...I must be gentle with myself and forgiving as I complete this journey.
Comment by Ccdague on April 12, 2012 at 2:53pm
Well....I went back to work this week. I live in Boston and am on assignment in San Antonio Texas. I will fly home tomorrow and walk into an empty house for the first time. I have that pressure in my chest just thinking about it. If someone could help me prepare for this "first"..............
Comment by [email protected] on April 12, 2012 at 7:36am
Pebbles im so sorry for your loss, I lost my husband Jan 1st and I just got the report from the medical examiner. I called every monday, I know they knew my voice. My husband was only 37, easter wasvery hard for me to. His family came to visit and we went to his grave. I still have so much guilt for not knowing what to do when he was dying, and the what ifs haunt me. So when I look at the pain in his families eyes I feel responsible. I know to some this isnt rational but I dont know how else to feel. I love life, I want my old me back, but I know that cant be the case with him missing. I look at our daughter she gives me strength and hope. I have so many friends who love us, I am so thankful for this. We are so blessed to live in our small town.

We just celebrated her 12th birthday and this was so hard because he was supposed to be there.

I am currently fighting the cemetery as the approved his headstone only to refuse it after it came in. I spent so much time finding him a classy headstone, its black grainite with photos of him lasered in it. A graphic designer created it. So now they say we are so sorry you can put that at the foot of his grave but it doesnt meet are standards. Are you f....king kidding me. What horrible ppl. I could take them to court but I need to move forward. his body may be there but his spirit is with me and our daughter. I dont believe spirits stay still they go where they are loved.
Comment by Ccdague on April 10, 2012 at 9:43am
My husband passed away on March 22, 2012.......not quite three weeks ago. He had fought melanoma for 3.5 years....the last 7 months with mets to his liver, lungs, speen, bones and brain. I work in healthcare and went back to work today. I live in Boston....and my children are in has been difficult being alone through his illness and now. I want to be strong and graceful......I want to help others who are in a similar situation.
Comment by asully on April 3, 2012 at 5:04pm

Renee, I am new also. It will be five weeks tomorrow. I don't work and can't imagine you having to go back so soon. So sorry. Hopefully we will all hold each other up.

Comment by Blue Snow on April 3, 2012 at 1:10pm

Hi Renee. Glad you found this forum but so sorry you have a reason to be here. I'm not sure I can give you any advice---I'm at the 3 1/2 mark myself---but there is something comforting about being with others going through the same process. {{{{hugs}}}}

Comment by OriRising on April 3, 2012 at 12:30pm

My husband also passed away on January 19.  So sorry we are all here, but at least we are here together.

Comment by moosemama3(Renee) on April 3, 2012 at 3:58am

Hi I am Renee I posted this on welcome board, but found this specific to this year thread so posting here since I am only a week into this new life.  

My husband just passed away March 23rd and his wake was this past Saturday March 31st.  There was one person that she said she was widowed in 2011 and the best advice she could give was to join a forum for widows others that truly understood what we are going thru.  I took her up on this information as it was the best keen non repeated advice or sympathies.  My husbands journey started May 21, 2010.  Went in for a routine exam he was a class A driver they did his colonoscopy and discovered he had a near blocking tumor for colorectal cancer.  Did surgery that day, after healing time did radiation treatment, took a 1 1/2 yrs to recoup and just as he was finally feeling human and getting a little back to life found out Jan 2012 it mets to his liver.  At the time it was a 3.3cm tumor.  Local docs would only do chemo and watch to see what happened so referred him to Colorado where they suggested surgery said chemo wasn't going to help.  They said with surgery could give him up to a couple years depending on trials and advancement in medicine etc, but w/o definitely he might have 3-6mos if he was lucky.  Well sounded like a no brainer lets get as much time possible so decided to go with surgery though pretty risky dealing with major organ.  Was scheduled for Feb.  

So recap in October there was no tumor on scans, Jan there was a 3.3cm tumor and in Feb when they removed it ....8cm tumor!  They removed gallbladder, 70% of the liver and the tumor.  His liver never kicked in and started working again and eventually after weeks still in hospital his kidneys started shutting down.  After nearly 2 mos we tried a last ditched effort and do dialysis and that only weakened him further and no improvement on his labs.  At which time I said enough move him to comfort care in a quiet room like was offered since I couldn't bring him back home to Montana.  I watched him take his final breaths at 5:06 p.m. March 23, 2012.  

Yesterday was my first day back to work and definitely MUCH too soon, but I am the manager and we are short staffed so until we get more hired I really can't take any downtime.  I got really sick to my stomach, had a couple mini breakdowns and an anxiety attack.  The thought of being in a hospital with the sounds, smells etc was definitely too much.  I love my job endlessly but was a bit overwhelming.  I work 3 more days this week and just pray I get thru it.  

We have 3 children ages 17, 14 and 12.  The kids are doing I think better than myself.  Today I think we are all having a moment.  Our son turned 12 Apr 1st and has been playing endlessly John Wayne movies or Chris LeDoux songs things that remind him of his father.  Our 14 yr old has been doing what she does best and that is draw which right now I think is great therapy.  Our 17yr old she is pretending at times she is okay but she was as much a daddys girl as you can get.  She works with me at the hospital and I think it is too much for her.  Think we are going to have a chat that even though she promised her father to not quit it simply isn't good for -her- health wise right now.  Emotionally we have been thru too much and it is okay to say enough.  I realize the responsibility side of all this as well so start looking for something different even if it is back to babysitting if she does it right probably will make more anyhow as her heart just isn't into her job and it is 100% commission based and if no sales no money.

anyhow the best non repetitive advice I got was from the cancer forum we have been going to the past couple years and it was to find a forum for widows where others truly understand fully what you are going thru. 

Comment by [email protected] on March 29, 2012 at 2:35pm
asully i am so sorry for your loss. I am three months out and I am doing pretty well considering, i am lucky because of the support i have. When my husbad died i stayed everywhere other than home including hotels, until my neighbor asked if we wanted to stay with them. I stayed at the next door neighbors for two months, but had to wake up every morning to this sick dizzy feeling and run home to take care of our pets. The effort it took to go into the house and walk down the hallway to where i call the death scene was horrific. I did it though, i knew i had to. I remember sitting in our room and screaming and crying, sometimes i would hit things. Sometimes i would just sit there and talk to him and beg him for forgiveness for not being able to save him. Sometimes i would just lay on the floor and scream why, why, why!!!! Sometimes i yelled at God. I remember somedays just rushing through there like a crazy lady, because i wanted to get in and out. The house felt so cold and empty. I did this everyday for two months and as the grip of the pain let up just a little, it did get easier. I finally went back home, i had to go back home for our daughter, i had to go back home for me. If i didnt force myself I knew i would never make it through this. I still wake up every morning with this sucker punch feeling but its not as bad, i still feel numb, and i still get death scene images from time to time, but i know i am healing. Its a long road but you will get there. I know your counsler told you to go for an hour but maybe take baby steps, maybe start out going in there for just 15 min and slowly work yourself through it. I hope this helps, hugs to you.

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