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Widowed in 2013

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Comment by going to make it on March 24, 2018 at 4:49pm

LOVE all the updates! 

Comment by barbee on March 24, 2018 at 1:29pm

It's been just over 5 years for me. After 2 1/2 years I did meet someone who also was widowed. The joke was I was looking for someone who had a motor home and he was looking for someone who could cook! We had lots of laughs together and took off on a six-month coast-to-coast road trip. The "rule" was that we went places and did things neither of us had done before with our mates. Since coming home we've gone on several shorter trips, been to concerts, helped each other with repair projects, nursed each other through surgeries. 

In December I became very ill when we were in San Diego. He took me to a hospital, probably saving my life. Recovery has been slow. Maybe being 77 years old has something to do that that? It was decided that I should not live alone any more, so the search was on to find a retirement community. Dead end on every one for one reason or another. Then, my house sold -- two buyers before I could even get it listed! Instead of a six-month project, we suddenly had a six-week project.

This week we are in the process of down-sizing his belongings to make room for mine in his house. If we got married, it would mess up our trusts and be a huge financial hit for me, so we have decided to become committed roommates. I've always enjoyed decorating and tease that his bachelor quarters will be getting girly-upped! His house is twice the size of mine and on a few acres in the country. A HUGE change for this gal who has lived in a city her whole life. 

Yes, I still have sad times. Just recently with this move I found a box with my husband's high school and college mementos. And my new guy has sad times. Yesterday he found a box of bears his wife had hand crafted. We both understand those kind of days and that is so very comforting. All in all, life has more smiles than tears now. We know our future is short, because of our ages, but it once again is something to look forward to and anticipate.

We each walk our own path and are responsible for our own lives. Blessings to all of us whether our path is bumpy or smooth right now.

Comment by AJ on March 24, 2018 at 10:55am

Hi, my husband would have turned 50 last Tuesday. One person remembered the occasion to me. I went out for some drinks with work mates who never met him and had no idea it was a special day to me. I just couldn’t sit at home. I also took my kids to see Ed Sheeran last night to do something special for them for the occasion. Like AMA my kids are now 12, 10 and 7. They seem ok on the most part though the eldest two now miss him more as they see how being ‘the girl whose dad died’ makes them different to their friends.  

I am sad my life doesn’t have room for me in it let alone a partner. The kids need me more though so that means working hard at the best job I can get and then spending every spare minute with them, being their cab driver mostly! I just don’t have time to date (or even get my nails done!) but even more I can’t risk meeting someone who turns out not to be nice to me or my kids.  I do hate having to go places without a wingman though. 

It will be 5 years in June. Am I where I thought I’d be 5 years on? Yes and no. I don’t cry so often but still think of him a million times a day. I’m actually doing better career wise as the fear of providing for my kids and knowing I have to fund a retirement down the track spurs me on. I have less friends than I thought I would. The fierce love I have for my kids is both an anchor and the only thing that gets me up each day. 

Love to all. xx

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on March 24, 2018 at 4:33am

(((Hugs AMA)))

I sometimes wonder how any widowed made it through the childrearing years while grieving. I still recall the days I wished I had been given the luxury of laying in bed, crying w/out scaring the kids, not cooking, etc. People would tell me I should be grateful to have the kids, but they weren't thinking of the difference between the work involved & the effortless love of my spouse. It would've been nice to have at least one person treat me special - anyone even a family member as well as recognize my hard work. My sister called one year to ask if it was my b-day or one of other family members. "Sigh"

Ten years later, the youngest kids are now in their early twenties trying to make a life for themselves. My job now is less demanding, I'm now their #1 cheerleader in keeping them going as well as problem solving.. The eldest is soon to retire from the military, so he's onto a new journey of finding a new career. They still miss their Dad as I do especially during transitional time. I'm enjoying this free time! Its all I want ...

It took going through a few acupuncturists to find one that could put me in a complete state of relaxation - it was amazing. I always felt like I was floating on a cloud - able to tackle anything that lay ahead. Good luck w/it :-) ...

I'm sure you'll achieve a great many things for yourself - aside from grief, life is a journey in its self ...

Blessings ...

Comment by AMA on March 23, 2018 at 6:20pm

I guess it is a good sign if we've all been off for quite some time.  It's been over 5 years since my husband died.  I've been busy taking care of my 3 children who are now 7, 10 and 12 years old.  I feel like always one or two of my children are struggling still.  They seem to be good then not so good, like a roller coaster!  I have many people asking me if I'm going to date.   I admit I'd like a companion, someone to go out to dinner with or someone that remembers my birthday.  But I barely have enough time to take care of myself plus 3 kids....where would I find time to meet a man I could trust?  I do feel like I do still sort of live in the past, I still miss my life before Dann got sick.  I started doing acupuncture (I have back pain and am kind of at my wits end as to how to get rid of it!).  As soon as I walked in the acupuncturist told me I had very sad, depressed energy and that I was living not for myself but out of duty for others.  Wow.  I don't really buy into that stuff but he really hit home.  So I'm trying to figure out how to take care of myself more.  Figure out what makes ME happy, not just taking care of the my kids all of the time.  

Hugs to everyone and hoping for a happy 2018 for us all!

Anne-Marie

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on March 23, 2018 at 5:43pm

Hi, Susan.  Thanks for reviving this.  I will be 4-1/2 years into this journey on April 5.  I will be 63 this year and my husband is forever 58.  I have a good life.  I retired in January and have not looked back, despite the ups and downs of the financial markets.  I am far more philosophical about money now that I pulled the plug on the golden handcuffs.  I am dealing with some endocrine-related health issues, but I've joined a gym that is associated with a large university hospital and where most people are older and many are "people of girth" like myself.  I've made a nice circle of friends.  Tomorrow I am going to the march taking place near my home.  I cook dinner once a month for the women's shelter, I see friends, and I enjoy just not having to do anything.

I have not dated at all and have no desire to.  Sometimes I think it would be nice to meet someone, but it passes because I have neither the time nor the patience to cultivate a relationship, and at this point it seems that it would just be a complication.  I don't cry much anymore, though every time I read about someone having to "pull the plug" on a loved one it is kind of a trigger.

I do feel guilty sometimes for being happy and grateful for this simple life.  I wish Steve and I could have grown old together and had that new beginning that I wanted to have, but it was not to be.  I'm not lonely, I have as much company as I want and as much solitude as I need.  Sometimes I think about my husband and how little I really knew about him; it's like he sprung from the earth fully formed the day I met him.  No one else seems to have any memories of him and I am the only person on earth who cares that he ever existed.  I'm OK with being the carrier of those memories.

Comment by Missmyhusband on March 23, 2018 at 5:19pm

Hey Booktime (Susan) - thanks for asking us.I've been doing all sorts since I stopped thinking of myself as a "widow at 40 with a house and two dogs - oh Crap!" It took years, but I fought, scratched, and clawed my way into o a new existence. A new life without Chris. Since then, I've tried internet dating and will never do it again. Prime example- single father I thought would be mature and responsible, peed on the side of a building on the way back to my car. Um, no. Met someone through a friend, dated for two years, got engaged, and then realized it wasn't right, so called it off. Basically, lots of experiences. And I hope to have more. Many more. Learning so much on this journey. Two things that I have found that I love are Michael Sealey's hypnotist videos on YouTube, so comforting and relaxing! And Neil Sattin's reLationship Alive! Podcast - love it so much and learned so much! Tak ie care, everyone. And you too, for reminding me and giving me this opportunity. This site lifted me when I needed it, showed me what I needed to see, and you all held and comforted my soul in a way it needed to be seen and felt. Thank God for all of you.

Comment by going to make it on March 23, 2018 at 4:29pm

Hugs Booktime Susan! My husbands died in the begging of 2008, & the end of 2010 & I completely relate to your post. My memories are sweet, welcome, & peaceful. Very rarely have tears these days, although of course there are those moments. 

Life is good, but I'm ready for retirement & time to just enjoy my gbabies! 

Comment by booktime (Susan) on March 23, 2018 at 4:23pm

How is everyone doing in 2018? I find I am having many more contented happy moments. I find I still like to talk about Ed and it pleases me when someone else does too! I put out a couple of more pictures of Ed on my bureau and I like seeing him. I guess it's a kind of peace I am feeling.

I also feel more and more aware of my own mortality. I'm 64 now and that feels a whole lot different. I am thinking more and more about retiring. I don't want too much time to go by - I want to be able to enjoy life!

Anyway, how are you all doing?

Comment by Tink on December 31, 2017 at 5:45pm

It's been quite a while since on the site. A lot has happened in the last year. Trying to find a new way/ life but...anyway...hope everyone can find their place in the next year. Am fairly new to New Mexico and am open to meeting others the state.

 

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