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Widowed in 2013

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Members: 563
Latest Activity: Oct 27

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Comment by Seashell on October 24, 2018 at 12:35pm

Dear Min...They say it gets easier with time but I think we just learn to cope... You are doing the right thing.

Comment by Min on October 10, 2018 at 2:10pm

Sept 6th was the 5th anniversary. So much has happened in these five years, our two eldest girls have finished school and started university the eldest is finishing her degree this semester. Our youngest girl 14 now has been seeing her psychiatrist for weekly sessions for a year now as she has anxiety, depression and OCD. Through these sessions it has come out that she blames herself for her dad dying, so heartbreaking that she feels like this and truly caught me off guard. So now i have all my girls still seeing a counsellor and I now feel its my time to as well, Ive not felt inclined until very recently when I realised how guilty I was feeling over spending any of our money. Strange that the five year mark has really hit hard!

Comment by Seashell on October 10, 2018 at 6:42am

April 11th was five years since my husband passed. There are always things we regret that we could have done better. I was angry at my husband when he passed but eventually I was able to let go of that anger. I talk with him more now. I remind my daughters (who are both grown with children of their own) that their father - although he cannot be here with them physically is with them in spirit. During a very trying time for my eldest daughter she felt her father near her reassuring her that he was there for her and her son and that her grandmother was there for her daughters. My youngest one has felt his spirit in her home and lately although she has said that she does not feel him as she had before she has been finding feathers in her house. I awake at night at times to find myself answering him. I know that he has been there talking with me. Last night I had a dream about him where he gave me an answer to a question I had. My life - without him - continues on. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by all that I have to do and at other times I flourish and enjoy the freedom that I now have to do the things and enjoy the friends and family that I had not had time for before. 

Comment by AmyNYC on October 9, 2018 at 6:07pm

NoLongerinBerenJC:  Only those who have been through what we have been through can understand.  The past five years have made me a different person, and when I look back, I wonder how the new Amy would have dealt with him.  I feel like I was weak and scared, and didn't know how to, or want to, deal with his anger.  You really hit home when you said you and your husband were two damaged people; my husband and I were two.  We both had events in our childhoods which caused doubts and insecurities about ourselves.  I wish I had stood up to him more, maybe I would have felt more respected, especially towards the end of his life when he took his anger and frustrations out on me.  I felt like a scared child and wanted to run.  I also miss having a companion to do things with, and although I have made some new friends and still have some old, they're not there 24/7 and I feel like I stay home a lot because I don't have plans.  I would like a companion but don't even know how I could start another relationship.  I also have anxiety issues, depression, overthinking everything, etc.  We need to take care of ourselves now because we are all we've got.  Hang in there.  You're not alone.

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on October 9, 2018 at 2:11pm

@AmyNYC:  I could have written your post.  My husband was only sick and angry for six months, but he'd been depressed for about a decade.  I now know that he had probably been having mini-strokes for YEARS, but I could not possibly have known it at the time.  All I knew was that he was depressed, angry, never remembered to do things I asked him to do, kept getting fired from jobs months after getting positive reviews because he lost patience with the wrong person.  

We were married 27 years, and like you, I wish I had dealt with him better.  I think we were two damaged people who always wondered what the other was doing with us -- me because he was so much better looking than I was, and him because I became far more accomplished than he was.  I am 63 and alone and while I have friends, I miss having a travel companion that I want to be with 24 x 7, I miss having that person who knows me well, and casual dating is not going to provide that.  At this age there just isn't time to build that again.  I try not to dwell on regrets because it accomplishes nothing.  But especially after returning from the trip where I finally consigned his ashes to the sea, I find myself feeling much the way I did when it was new -- digestive problems, crushing fatigue, crying jags, inability to get going, etc.

Comment by Bobbysgirl on October 9, 2018 at 9:44am

It was 5 years for me on July 5. I still think about him many times everyday. I still keep everything in the house the same as when he was here. I realize we we fortunate to be together for 53 years, most of them very good. I socialize with new friends but think about Bob constantly when I get home. I have no desire to share myself, my home and my money with anyone. We all have different feelings about our loss, Peace to all.

Comment by AmyNYC on October 9, 2018 at 9:06am

I passed the 5-year mark on May 7, 2018.  I have found these past few months that I miss him more than ever.  Our marriage wasn't perfect, I don't think anyone's is, but he was sick and angry for about 2 years before he died and I became resentful.  When he passed, I felt somewhat relieved because I knew he wouldn't get better and I only hoped he was at peace.  However, reality has since kicked in and I'm thinking about the good times more than the bad.  I feel guilty, as if I should have, or could have, done more for him.  I hope I was a loving wife and gave him the comfort he needed when he was sick.  When I look back at our almost 30 years of marriage, I wish I had dealt with things better.  I wish I could talk with him now and tell him this, but there are no second chances.  I wish we could have retirement together.  He won't see our daughter get married next year and he won't know grandchildren.  It's all so sad.  I'm 62 and alone and he only made it to 59.  I tried datinghere and there, but without success.  Now I don't even want to bother.  The five year mark makes everything so........real.

Comment by Broken Diva on October 9, 2018 at 5:17am

So sorry for everyone reaching the five year mark.....Hope you are doing reasonable.  I found during the first year I was in shock and going through the motions....It seems as time goes on, I am thinking more about my husband than ever!  Don't understand....thought it was supposed to get better with time?  I guess it's ups and downs.....Does anyone else have constant thoughts of your past life?  Nothing in particular but random thoughts enter your mind for no reason.  It seems like everything reminds me of him.  It is not comforting however.  They are intrusive thoughts that wake me up.  People have told me that it's nice I think of him, but, it just makes me very sad and anxious. 

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on September 30, 2018 at 4:59pm

Friday October 5 is my five-year sadiversary, and I am headed to Jamaica this week to bury my husband's ashes at sea.  It has been quite an adventure because the country requires a transit permit to bring them into the country, and the only way to get it is to have someone on the ground there already get it and somehow get it to you.  I managed to find a service that agreed to do it.  It cost me a fair penny, for Fedex and the fee that I offered to pay them for their time (but they were awesome).  So I have my permit.  I found someone else in a Facebook community who has a friend who runs a dive concession and he will take us all out on the boat to set the biodegradable urn in the water.  It will float for 3-5 minutes and then sink.  The urn with the bag inside will dissolve.  

My sister found a funeral home that will transfer the ashes from the permanent urn to the biodegradable one, so I don't have to see them.

Part of me is sorry I decided to do this.  Some of it is that I have no idea how I will feel, and since my sister insisted on coming along, it is now five days at a resort, and because my brother-in-law insists on a beach, and because I do not want to fend off beach gigolos, we are staying at a quiet property that alas caters mostly to couples.  I am likely to be the only solo there.  I will be OK as long as my sister and brother-in-law are not pawing at each other all the time.  I long ago got used to the idea that I have to be able to live in a society dominated by couples without falling apart.

I'm full of anxiety.  Will TSA give me a hard time?  Will Customs in Jamaica demand some OTHER piece of paper that I DON'T have?  (If they do, then they confiscate the package and hold it until I get other paperwork.)  And then even if all goes well, will I regret doing this?  Will I wish I had his ashes at home still, even though the meaning of them has faded over time as I have gotten used to living without him?  When he first died I just wanted his ashes to come home.  But now I keep thinking that I am not going to live forever and I don't want someone throwing his ashes in the garbage. So I wanted to do this in a place he loved going to.

But it is inevitable now, and there are no second thoughts allowed.  I just hope it is meaningful and I am glad I did it.

Comment by Broken Diva on September 30, 2018 at 4:14pm

Oh Luna, I'm so sorry.  I know how you feel.  Do you have intrusive thoughts about him too?  I feel like it will never get better sometimes.  I really like the poem Marie sent me.  I am going to print it and keep it by my computer.  I hope you feel peace too.

 

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