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Widowed in 2013

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Comment by barbee on August 26, 2017 at 8:54am

Brianne, your dating story is almost identical to mine. What I enjoyed about the persona and public meetings was that I was in control of the situation. I also drove home in a direction opposite of where I lived and wiggled around some, checking my rear view mirror to be certain I was not followed. Further, a girlfriend had all the details about where I was going and, more importantly, the make/model/license on my car. We always agreed that I would call her from my landline by a certain time so she knew I was really home.

The site I used was called Plenty of Fish and the man I've been with for over two years likes to tell people that one Saturday he went fishing and caught a jewel! We both had good marriages lasting over 48 years. I'd been widowed over 2 years and he, over 12. The wait was worth it. We talk about our mates often. When we travel in his motor home, the cremains of both mates go with us. We like to tell people the four of us are seeing the world together. It works for us and that's what's important now in the last season of our lives.

For others thinking about dating and/or online dating, a piece of advice: Stay SAFE!!!


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Comment by Soaring Spirits on August 26, 2017 at 7:53am

Brianne - Your post is so very helpful for those who are venturing onto the dating sites. Would you mind if I shared your words within some of other groups here in Widowed Village who are having a similar discussion?

Comment by Brianne on August 24, 2017 at 7:22am

WithoutJim - I am happy to share my experience on Match.  I was careful to protect myself, first and foremost.  I created a new email account which would not reveal my name. This is easy to create on Gmail. That was the email account I used on Match so that all communications from Match went to that  email instead of my personal email.  I also did not use my real name in the profile.  In my profile comments I was honest as I wanted to find someone who closely aligned to myself.  I had initially thought that finding someone who was also widowed would make it easier.  I indicated my status as widowed.  In my comments I did say that I had a long, 39 year marriage and was looking for someone who also had experience of a long relationship.  I said that as our past experience makes us who we are today, I wanted to be able to speak freely of my past and expected who I met would also be free to talk about their spouse. For me it was important to include I wanted someone who was financially stable as I heard from widows who indicated men chased them for their money.  When someone contacted me and I felt we may have something in common from their profile comments, I made arrangements to meet at very busy coffee places like Starbucks, in a district not close to my home.  In my case I could park in the Walmart parking lot and walk over to Starbucks.  I used my profile name in that first meeting.  I never gave out my phone number.  Some men asked for it so that they could text me in case they were late but I resisted, again to protect myself.  By using a 'persona' I didn't feel like they could find me if they turned out to be a risky person.  I honestly never met anyone who I was scared of.  I met some very nice men and after coffee we would both be honest on whether we wanted a second date.  Dave, who I am with now was the 10th man I met for coffee.  We sent messages back and forth thru Match until we realized we knew people in common and then we exchanged email addresses and continued to talk every other day for a month before we met.  I never revealed my true identity until we were going to meet.  He fully understood why I used another name.  I know that everyone has a different experience but for me it has worked.  I am in love for the last time in my life.      

Comment by Brianne on August 23, 2017 at 2:17pm

When I read everyone's posts I am always amazed at all the similarities.  Like most of the other widows, my couple friends have no time for me and invitations quit happening as soon as my husband's service was over.  I thought that being close to my siblings and their families would fill a void so I sold my house and moved 3 1/2 hours away to the city all my family lives in.  I realized that my family could not fill the hole of having few friends.  I struggled for 3 years and then went on Match.com, as 3 of my widow friends had found success with this site.  I am happy that I also found someone and we have now celebrated 1 year together.  For me after a 39 year marriage and having no children of my own, it needed the comfort of being in a relationship again.  It was the right move for me but I know that many of you are happy without finding someone.   

Comment by elaine on August 19, 2017 at 3:14pm

What a great video, thanks for sharing.   The Judge is a true inspiration!

Comment by AMA on July 2, 2017 at 2:28pm

AJ,

I could have written your post.  It has been 4 1/2 years.  I do have a lot of friends but when the weekend comes there are no invitations over to BBQ, go fishing, go sailing to a nearby island, no dinners out.  I know these things are going on because I see the posts on social media.  My children hear their friends talk about all the activities they do with other families on the weekends.  I too feel like my kids are missing out on something because we are not a "complete" family.  I try to be creative on weekends and think up fun activities but honestly by Friday I am exhausted!  I always hope that my kids will get invited at least one place over the weekend so they feel like we did more than just drive from one activity to another.  But I keep our plates full and busy doing soccer, swim team, vollleyball...whatever sports I can sign them up for!

I too moved, into a bigger house that has a pool and a place for the kids to hang out, hoping that we could host parties and then feel like we are more included!  But I'm just too tired to host a party every weekend and wish I lived in a tiny house that wasn't so much maintenance.  I agree too that I feel like I'm waiting, for what I don't know.  

Sorry you are feeling the same, but perhaps this is part of the journey.  Hope for better days ahead for you!

Comment by AJ on July 2, 2017 at 1:53am

Hi Everyone, it's been a while since I came on here though I do read some of the posts. I've just passed the 4 year mark - still feeling pretty down to be honest. I think I feel more lonely now than ever before. I have a full on job and three young kids to raise on my own so I'm able to fill my time well. The friends I had have pretty much drifted away these days though, and I'm sorry for my kids that they won't have those childhood memories of big BBQs and going away with a bunch of families together on long weekends and over the holidays. I moved house to try and lift myself out of the rut but it turns out I'm still the same. Just in a different house. It's funny that I can be so dynamic at work all week but then I just retreat on the weekend hiding behind the bustle of all the kids' sports when people ask what I have planned. I never have any plans. I take the kids places of course, we do nice things as a family unit. I struggle though on weekends with my options of endless chat about star wars lego or just silence. I feel like I'm waiting for something but I just don't know what it is. Thanks for listening. I'm sure tomorrow will be better.

Comment by Imogen on July 1, 2017 at 3:52pm

I am so depressed today.  Seems every one is happily celebrating Canada day with their family & I just feel so alone.  Some days I admit I feel OK, more Ok days lately than 2 years ago.  But today is just a crap day all around

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on June 15, 2017 at 3:24pm

I am 3 years and 9 months into this and feel no more like dating than I did at first.  Perhaps I am cutting myself off, I don't know.  Perhaps when I am no longer working and have less that I HAVE TO do, I will feel differently, as there will be 8-12 hours a day more than I have now to fill up because I am working long hours.  But I don't think so.  At my age (62) the pickin's are pretty lean at best, and with me being overweight and no great beauty when I was young, let alone now, I actually kind of enjoy not caring about "the male gaze."  I have a younger friend who is single and quite attractive.  And SHE can't seem to meet anyone nice.  I met her for lunch and she was talking to a guy who we realized later had a wedding ring on.  But I realized later that I would have happily left her there to pursue whatever might happen with this guy and gone home without feeling like "the homely friend."  You can't imagine how liberating that feels -- to look at men as people, not prospects.  To be able to help out a friend find someone without resenting that I am always the "less-attractive friend."  I live my life, I talk to people, I run a meetup for fans of one sports team, I have friends, I like to think I AM a friend, and I really think that's enough.  In fact, the thought of the complication of someone else in my life is really not all that appealing.  I will re-evaluate after I retire, but of course I'll be that much older then.  And if not, that's OK too.

Comment by barbee on June 15, 2017 at 6:54am

Marie318--thank you for writing this. My husband has been gone 4 years and four months. Other than that everything you write could also be my story. There now is a guy in my life, but we will never marry. We live 35 miles apart but spend a lot of time together. I have a cousin in another state who became a widow last year and she now has a guy in her life, but has vowed to never marry. I think being friends at this stage of my life (late 70's) is a perfect solution. Lots of fun and laughter, doing things together (even if it is the dishes or yard work) without the responsibilities we had in our marriages. I spent over 50 years caring for my children, then grandchildren during a war, then my aging parents, then my sick husband. It may sound selfish, but now is ME time. I intend to enjoy to the fullest what time I have left on earth. The old saying: growing older is mandatory; growing up is a choice.

 

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