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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Widowed in 2013

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Members: 558
Latest Activity: Dec 31

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Comment by Maggie on September 2, 2017 at 5:02am
My husband too died in July of 13. So much has changed in my life since then. I have moved to another state new home, made a few new friends, try to keep busy with people and activities, as I have no children or grandchildren and have regained a since of "me" and some creative juices that had been unknown. I am fairly content and have been retired 15 years (4+ now without my husband).
But deep within I still feel the longing and missing for what should have been and the loneliness of growing older without a mate. For me, I'm not interested in meeting someone. My husband and I had a unique relationship that I dont feel can be matched. So I try to get by and make do with my lot in life. It's not always easy. Mostly, at 70, I can feel myself getting more tired and starting to feel aging. The hard grief has passed, but in its place has come some anxiety about aging alone. It's not the same with friends that you simply don't share a daily life with in the same house. They are valuable, but it's not the same.
Comment by booktime (Susan) on September 2, 2017 at 4:43am

September is the time that I do think more of Ed's last days. He died on the 15th after going into hospice on the 6th. It was that Labor Day that was the turning point. So much pain and I felt so helpless.

So I am reflecting on these days but I find I am somewhat more removed. I don't know if that is the best term. I still grieve but it is quieter. I am astonished that I'll be going into my 5th year. The first months moved so slowly; now the years are zipping by.

For the first time, I am considering retirement. Not yet but I can see an end date of work which is incredible. I just had a vacation in our summer home and had a sweet taste of what not working might be like.

Hugs to us all in this "club" no one wanted to join.

Comment by Brianne on August 26, 2017 at 6:26pm

To Barbee, I enjoyed your comments and read them to my new love - Dave.  We have taken my husband's ashes with us on trips with the intent to spread his ashes.  We also built a permanent memorial to my husband on a mountain top near our winter vacation home.  Like you, 'for us it works".  It may not be the path for everyone but for us it works.  Also my mother in law, who has always been a big part of my life, accepts my new love and is happy for me and Dave.  We spend lots of time with her.  Good luck to everyone who steps outside their comfort zone and tries dating.  Stay safe.  Be optimistic.  There is someone out there for you and you don't need to forget about your husband/wife to enjoy a new life.  

Comment by Brianne on August 26, 2017 at 6:21pm

To Soaring Spirits webpage - as per your question yes please share my comments.  I have the courage to move forward because of attending Camp Widow.  

Comment by barbee on August 26, 2017 at 8:54am

Brianne, your dating story is almost identical to mine. What I enjoyed about the persona and public meetings was that I was in control of the situation. I also drove home in a direction opposite of where I lived and wiggled around some, checking my rear view mirror to be certain I was not followed. Further, a girlfriend had all the details about where I was going and, more importantly, the make/model/license on my car. We always agreed that I would call her from my landline by a certain time so she knew I was really home.

The site I used was called Plenty of Fish and the man I've been with for over two years likes to tell people that one Saturday he went fishing and caught a jewel! We both had good marriages lasting over 48 years. I'd been widowed over 2 years and he, over 12. The wait was worth it. We talk about our mates often. When we travel in his motor home, the cremains of both mates go with us. We like to tell people the four of us are seeing the world together. It works for us and that's what's important now in the last season of our lives.

For others thinking about dating and/or online dating, a piece of advice: Stay SAFE!!!


VOLUNTEER
Comment by Soaring Spirits on August 26, 2017 at 7:53am

Brianne - Your post is so very helpful for those who are venturing onto the dating sites. Would you mind if I shared your words within some of other groups here in Widowed Village who are having a similar discussion?

Comment by Brianne on August 24, 2017 at 7:22am

WithoutJim - I am happy to share my experience on Match.  I was careful to protect myself, first and foremost.  I created a new email account which would not reveal my name. This is easy to create on Gmail. That was the email account I used on Match so that all communications from Match went to that  email instead of my personal email.  I also did not use my real name in the profile.  In my profile comments I was honest as I wanted to find someone who closely aligned to myself.  I had initially thought that finding someone who was also widowed would make it easier.  I indicated my status as widowed.  In my comments I did say that I had a long, 39 year marriage and was looking for someone who also had experience of a long relationship.  I said that as our past experience makes us who we are today, I wanted to be able to speak freely of my past and expected who I met would also be free to talk about their spouse. For me it was important to include I wanted someone who was financially stable as I heard from widows who indicated men chased them for their money.  When someone contacted me and I felt we may have something in common from their profile comments, I made arrangements to meet at very busy coffee places like Starbucks, in a district not close to my home.  In my case I could park in the Walmart parking lot and walk over to Starbucks.  I used my profile name in that first meeting.  I never gave out my phone number.  Some men asked for it so that they could text me in case they were late but I resisted, again to protect myself.  By using a 'persona' I didn't feel like they could find me if they turned out to be a risky person.  I honestly never met anyone who I was scared of.  I met some very nice men and after coffee we would both be honest on whether we wanted a second date.  Dave, who I am with now was the 10th man I met for coffee.  We sent messages back and forth thru Match until we realized we knew people in common and then we exchanged email addresses and continued to talk every other day for a month before we met.  I never revealed my true identity until we were going to meet.  He fully understood why I used another name.  I know that everyone has a different experience but for me it has worked.  I am in love for the last time in my life.      

Comment by Brianne on August 23, 2017 at 2:17pm

When I read everyone's posts I am always amazed at all the similarities.  Like most of the other widows, my couple friends have no time for me and invitations quit happening as soon as my husband's service was over.  I thought that being close to my siblings and their families would fill a void so I sold my house and moved 3 1/2 hours away to the city all my family lives in.  I realized that my family could not fill the hole of having few friends.  I struggled for 3 years and then went on Match.com, as 3 of my widow friends had found success with this site.  I am happy that I also found someone and we have now celebrated 1 year together.  For me after a 39 year marriage and having no children of my own, it needed the comfort of being in a relationship again.  It was the right move for me but I know that many of you are happy without finding someone.   

Comment by elaine on August 19, 2017 at 3:14pm

What a great video, thanks for sharing.   The Judge is a true inspiration!

Comment by AMA on July 2, 2017 at 2:28pm

AJ,

I could have written your post.  It has been 4 1/2 years.  I do have a lot of friends but when the weekend comes there are no invitations over to BBQ, go fishing, go sailing to a nearby island, no dinners out.  I know these things are going on because I see the posts on social media.  My children hear their friends talk about all the activities they do with other families on the weekends.  I too feel like my kids are missing out on something because we are not a "complete" family.  I try to be creative on weekends and think up fun activities but honestly by Friday I am exhausted!  I always hope that my kids will get invited at least one place over the weekend so they feel like we did more than just drive from one activity to another.  But I keep our plates full and busy doing soccer, swim team, vollleyball...whatever sports I can sign them up for!

I too moved, into a bigger house that has a pool and a place for the kids to hang out, hoping that we could host parties and then feel like we are more included!  But I'm just too tired to host a party every weekend and wish I lived in a tiny house that wasn't so much maintenance.  I agree too that I feel like I'm waiting, for what I don't know.  

Sorry you are feeling the same, but perhaps this is part of the journey.  Hope for better days ahead for you!

 

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