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Widowed in 2013

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Members: 564
Latest Activity: Oct 25, 2019

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Comment by AmyNYC on October 9, 2018 at 9:06am

I passed the 5-year mark on May 7, 2018.  I have found these past few months that I miss him more than ever.  Our marriage wasn't perfect, I don't think anyone's is, but he was sick and angry for about 2 years before he died and I became resentful.  When he passed, I felt somewhat relieved because I knew he wouldn't get better and I only hoped he was at peace.  However, reality has since kicked in and I'm thinking about the good times more than the bad.  I feel guilty, as if I should have, or could have, done more for him.  I hope I was a loving wife and gave him the comfort he needed when he was sick.  When I look back at our almost 30 years of marriage, I wish I had dealt with things better.  I wish I could talk with him now and tell him this, but there are no second chances.  I wish we could have retirement together.  He won't see our daughter get married next year and he won't know grandchildren.  It's all so sad.  I'm 62 and alone and he only made it to 59.  I tried datinghere and there, but without success.  Now I don't even want to bother.  The five year mark makes everything so........real.

Comment by Broken Diva on October 9, 2018 at 5:17am

So sorry for everyone reaching the five year mark.....Hope you are doing reasonable.  I found during the first year I was in shock and going through the motions....It seems as time goes on, I am thinking more about my husband than ever!  Don't understand....thought it was supposed to get better with time?  I guess it's ups and downs.....Does anyone else have constant thoughts of your past life?  Nothing in particular but random thoughts enter your mind for no reason.  It seems like everything reminds me of him.  It is not comforting however.  They are intrusive thoughts that wake me up.  People have told me that it's nice I think of him, but, it just makes me very sad and anxious. 

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on September 30, 2018 at 4:59pm

Friday October 5 is my five-year sadiversary, and I am headed to Jamaica this week to bury my husband's ashes at sea.  It has been quite an adventure because the country requires a transit permit to bring them into the country, and the only way to get it is to have someone on the ground there already get it and somehow get it to you.  I managed to find a service that agreed to do it.  It cost me a fair penny, for Fedex and the fee that I offered to pay them for their time (but they were awesome).  So I have my permit.  I found someone else in a Facebook community who has a friend who runs a dive concession and he will take us all out on the boat to set the biodegradable urn in the water.  It will float for 3-5 minutes and then sink.  The urn with the bag inside will dissolve.  

My sister found a funeral home that will transfer the ashes from the permanent urn to the biodegradable one, so I don't have to see them.

Part of me is sorry I decided to do this.  Some of it is that I have no idea how I will feel, and since my sister insisted on coming along, it is now five days at a resort, and because my brother-in-law insists on a beach, and because I do not want to fend off beach gigolos, we are staying at a quiet property that alas caters mostly to couples.  I am likely to be the only solo there.  I will be OK as long as my sister and brother-in-law are not pawing at each other all the time.  I long ago got used to the idea that I have to be able to live in a society dominated by couples without falling apart.

I'm full of anxiety.  Will TSA give me a hard time?  Will Customs in Jamaica demand some OTHER piece of paper that I DON'T have?  (If they do, then they confiscate the package and hold it until I get other paperwork.)  And then even if all goes well, will I regret doing this?  Will I wish I had his ashes at home still, even though the meaning of them has faded over time as I have gotten used to living without him?  When he first died I just wanted his ashes to come home.  But now I keep thinking that I am not going to live forever and I don't want someone throwing his ashes in the garbage. So I wanted to do this in a place he loved going to.

But it is inevitable now, and there are no second thoughts allowed.  I just hope it is meaningful and I am glad I did it.

Comment by Broken Diva on September 30, 2018 at 4:14pm

Oh Luna, I'm so sorry.  I know how you feel.  Do you have intrusive thoughts about him too?  I feel like it will never get better sometimes.  I really like the poem Marie sent me.  I am going to print it and keep it by my computer.  I hope you feel peace too.

Comment by butterflybarb on September 30, 2018 at 11:11am

I love reading all your comments.  I'll also be coming up on five years in November.  I'm finding that I've been thinking about that milestone alot earlier than I could feel the "anniversary train" coming on in years prior.  I also have my sister and her husband's deaths in around the same time frame, plus my 70th  birthday, so that adds to the emotional charge. I  just know at this point in time I have already been feeling the waves coming at me for this particular anniversary.  I know I will get through it, but will be glad when I'm on the other side of it.  I'm raising my 12 yr old grandson and working, so dating isn't something I have time for.  I have a wonderful group of friends - some lifelong and some they my Soaring Spirits regional group, and I know they will help me thru any rough spots.  I just try to concentrate on feeling blessed every day for having had my husband in my life.  He still inspires me every day to live my life to the fullest.  Not saying there aren't tears involved, but I now know they come and then they go.  One thing that sticks with me is a message a medium friend gave me from my husband - that he wished he hadn't worried so much while he was here.  Think that was a huge nugget of wisdom coming from the other side!  Wishing you all peace and sending lots of hugs to all!

Comment by Luna on September 30, 2018 at 10:22am

For me it will be five years in November.  Some days I am OK, others - and "yes" more recently - I feel a complete mess, engulfed by grief and missing Jock, my husband.  I think people think I am Ok because I am cheery and rarely let on these days how I am feeling.  But it is a struggle.  I think for me this time of year is difficult as it brings me back to those awful months before he died, when he was so sick.  I dunno, I just miss him so very much.  

Comment by Marie318 on September 30, 2018 at 10:20am

Broken Diva,

Indeed, I am happy and I wouldn't say I have it all together. I still face the challenges that come with a new chapter of life and new characters that come along with it (i.e. his family and friends, etc.). However, what other choice do I or any of us really have? I can't return to the past. It's like trying to take back words once they are spoken. That said, sure I get sad now and then. When I see an elderly couple holding hands, I remember wanting to be that couple when I was married to my late husband and celebrating 50+ years one day. That won't ever happen, at my age it's not possible. But life can be good and happy. When I speak with my adult kids we often remark of knowing what their father would say. I can also hear his voice in my head knowing after years together what he would say. All of that will stay with me and now and then it will make me sad because that is all that remains. But I'm also thankful because I feel like he's still with us. 

Peace will come. Don't give up hope. It won't be the same, it will be different, but different can be good too. :)

Comment by Broken Diva on September 30, 2018 at 9:55am

Dear Marie318,

Thank you so much for your reply!  I deeply appreciate it.  I feel so alone and depressed and I am really tired of it.  You sound like you are so together...I am happy for you.  I just want peace.  Funny thing is I don't come across as looking upset or depressed. but I feel that way.  Did you or do you every experience what I am feeling?

I am happy you found someone.  Isn't it funny how he is not like your husband at all?  The person I met Isn't anything like my husband either.  

The main thing is I don't want to give up hope.  I know peace will happen.....Thanks again.

Comment by Marie318 on September 30, 2018 at 9:34am

Broken Diva,

Time does heal, but grief rears its ugly head now and then, even years down the road. The fact that you are starting to date means you wish to move on but your heart is still torn. We long for our old life for so many reasons, but especially when we are presented with creating a new one. It's scary, time consuming, frustrating... When I starting dating I was riddled with a mixture of guilt, nervousness, frustration and excitement. It's not like when we were younger and we were planning our life. We have chapters in our book of life and each has taught us a lot and is filled with history, lose ends, continuing chapters, emotions, lessons learned and many more characters (friends, family, etc.). 

I know for myself it was difficult to move forward, but I can tell you it's possible and no matter how hard we grieve or how long, it doesn't change things. We can't go back.

The following poem helped me and perhaps you'll find some comfort in it. You'll always mourn the could've, should've, would've had he'd still been here. The harsh reality is that just like a favorite book you wish wouldn't end, it does. You can reread it, but nothing is added and it doesn't end any differently. 

Life can be good. I moved forward. I found a wonderful guy, who is nothing like my late husband. He was a widower for some time, so we both understood what it meant to lose someone. That understanding and respect of the life we had before made moving forward easier. 

Best of luck and hang in there!

You can shed tears because they are gone,

or you can smile because they lived.

You can close your eyes and pray they will come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all that they left for you.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see them,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember only that they are gone,

or you can cherish their memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind and feel empty,

or you can do what they would want.

Smile, Open your heart, Love...and go on.

by Elizabeth Ammons

Comment by Broken Diva on September 30, 2018 at 8:44am

I could really use someone's thoughts on an issue I have.  I was also wondering if anyone experiences this.

It will be five years next month that my husband died.  The first couple years I was in shock but going through the motions.

Recently, however, I started having random, vivid, unwanted thoughts of him that wake me up and mornings are full of anxiety.  I seem to be missing him MORE now?!  I am really mourning my past life!   I don't understand.  I thought time was supposed to heal?

I am working part time, starting dating but still I am having trouble with this.  Does this happen to anyone else?

 

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