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Widowed in 2013

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Comment by butterflybarb on September 30, 2018 at 11:11am

I love reading all your comments.  I'll also be coming up on five years in November.  I'm finding that I've been thinking about that milestone alot earlier than I could feel the "anniversary train" coming on in years prior.  I also have my sister and her husband's deaths in around the same time frame, plus my 70th  birthday, so that adds to the emotional charge. I  just know at this point in time I have already been feeling the waves coming at me for this particular anniversary.  I know I will get through it, but will be glad when I'm on the other side of it.  I'm raising my 12 yr old grandson and working, so dating isn't something I have time for.  I have a wonderful group of friends - some lifelong and some they my Soaring Spirits regional group, and I know they will help me thru any rough spots.  I just try to concentrate on feeling blessed every day for having had my husband in my life.  He still inspires me every day to live my life to the fullest.  Not saying there aren't tears involved, but I now know they come and then they go.  One thing that sticks with me is a message a medium friend gave me from my husband - that he wished he hadn't worried so much while he was here.  Think that was a huge nugget of wisdom coming from the other side!  Wishing you all peace and sending lots of hugs to all!

Comment by Luna on September 30, 2018 at 10:22am

For me it will be five years in November.  Some days I am OK, others - and "yes" more recently - I feel a complete mess, engulfed by grief and missing Jock, my husband.  I think people think I am Ok because I am cheery and rarely let on these days how I am feeling.  But it is a struggle.  I think for me this time of year is difficult as it brings me back to those awful months before he died, when he was so sick.  I dunno, I just miss him so very much.  

Comment by Marie318 on September 30, 2018 at 10:20am

Broken Diva,

Indeed, I am happy and I wouldn't say I have it all together. I still face the challenges that come with a new chapter of life and new characters that come along with it (i.e. his family and friends, etc.). However, what other choice do I or any of us really have? I can't return to the past. It's like trying to take back words once they are spoken. That said, sure I get sad now and then. When I see an elderly couple holding hands, I remember wanting to be that couple when I was married to my late husband and celebrating 50+ years one day. That won't ever happen, at my age it's not possible. But life can be good and happy. When I speak with my adult kids we often remark of knowing what their father would say. I can also hear his voice in my head knowing after years together what he would say. All of that will stay with me and now and then it will make me sad because that is all that remains. But I'm also thankful because I feel like he's still with us. 

Peace will come. Don't give up hope. It won't be the same, it will be different, but different can be good too. :)

Comment by Broken Diva on September 30, 2018 at 9:55am

Dear Marie318,

Thank you so much for your reply!  I deeply appreciate it.  I feel so alone and depressed and I am really tired of it.  You sound like you are so together...I am happy for you.  I just want peace.  Funny thing is I don't come across as looking upset or depressed. but I feel that way.  Did you or do you every experience what I am feeling?

I am happy you found someone.  Isn't it funny how he is not like your husband at all?  The person I met Isn't anything like my husband either.  

The main thing is I don't want to give up hope.  I know peace will happen.....Thanks again.

Comment by Marie318 on September 30, 2018 at 9:34am

Broken Diva,

Time does heal, but grief rears its ugly head now and then, even years down the road. The fact that you are starting to date means you wish to move on but your heart is still torn. We long for our old life for so many reasons, but especially when we are presented with creating a new one. It's scary, time consuming, frustrating... When I starting dating I was riddled with a mixture of guilt, nervousness, frustration and excitement. It's not like when we were younger and we were planning our life. We have chapters in our book of life and each has taught us a lot and is filled with history, lose ends, continuing chapters, emotions, lessons learned and many more characters (friends, family, etc.). 

I know for myself it was difficult to move forward, but I can tell you it's possible and no matter how hard we grieve or how long, it doesn't change things. We can't go back.

The following poem helped me and perhaps you'll find some comfort in it. You'll always mourn the could've, should've, would've had he'd still been here. The harsh reality is that just like a favorite book you wish wouldn't end, it does. You can reread it, but nothing is added and it doesn't end any differently. 

Life can be good. I moved forward. I found a wonderful guy, who is nothing like my late husband. He was a widower for some time, so we both understood what it meant to lose someone. That understanding and respect of the life we had before made moving forward easier. 

Best of luck and hang in there!

You can shed tears because they are gone,

or you can smile because they lived.

You can close your eyes and pray they will come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all that they left for you.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see them,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember only that they are gone,

or you can cherish their memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind and feel empty,

or you can do what they would want.

Smile, Open your heart, Love...and go on.

by Elizabeth Ammons

Comment by Broken Diva on September 30, 2018 at 8:44am

I could really use someone's thoughts on an issue I have.  I was also wondering if anyone experiences this.

It will be five years next month that my husband died.  The first couple years I was in shock but going through the motions.

Recently, however, I started having random, vivid, unwanted thoughts of him that wake me up and mornings are full of anxiety.  I seem to be missing him MORE now?!  I am really mourning my past life!   I don't understand.  I thought time was supposed to heal?

I am working part time, starting dating but still I am having trouble with this.  Does this happen to anyone else?

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on September 22, 2018 at 3:26am


I wish you strength in reprocessing your marriage to regain solace in "it was always you" ...

Comment by NoLongerInBergenJC on September 21, 2018 at 2:07pm

I'm sorry you had to see that, Denise.  I think sometimes it is better to choose not to see.

My husband had what I always called "the scary drawer".  I knew that he kept a few girlie mags and things like Victoria's Secret catalogs there.  I didn't know if there was anything worse.  I made my brother-in-law clean it out after he died because I just didn't want to know.

I already knew some stuff when he was alive.  More than once I found the browser up with photos of dominatrixes with whips and men bound and gagged.  The first time I saw that I was horrified.  One time he even had names and phone numbers of women who did this.  I don't know if he ever followed up on them. I guess that fetish was better than if it were the other way around.

I was terrified of what I might find on the various flash drives that were laying around the house.  And I did see some downloaded photos.  We had a Mac mini that he alone used.  I just recently set it up and I was relieved that nothing disturbing was downloaded.

It can be hard to process these things because we don't know how to feel or what to do.  I always feel that my husband can hear what I say to him and sometimes I feel guilty when I bitch at him about things.

Comment by Schneesmom (Denise) on September 21, 2018 at 10:53am

It will be 5 years on the 26th that my husband was told he had terminal cancer.  He died in Dec. 31, 2013.  I’ve recovered and started working with a cat rescue at the beginning of 2015 and it is great.  I still work and have about 10 more years of working.  I never took my wedding ring off since the day we married, 50 days before he died.  Until today.  

Earlier today I thought I should have an extra backup of some very important files on my computer, so I got an external hard drive out of my office and hooked it up.  It contained backups of my husband’s computer and I wanted to see if there was anything important or if the backups could be deleted.  I found a letter to a hotel chain regarding him using his points to put up a woman he cheated on his ex with at the hotel.  We got back together in 2003 and he told me he would not have contact with her any more.  I told him he could have me or her, but not both.  The letter was dated 2010.  I found her Facebook profile and looked through it (I thought it was odd that she posted a RIP message on his Twitter account right after he died).  I found a post that said she went to Brisbane, Australia in 2005 at the same time I know he travelled there.  I also know he took her to the same place when he was with her right before we got back together.  So, he lied.  Twice.  About the same person that he imploded his previous relationship because of and promised me he was done with.  

While all kinds of things swirled through my head, I remember what he said to me the last time he was able to speak:  “it was always you.  I always wanted you.”  I believe he was telling the truth then.  On the other hand, I also believe he lied.  I took my ring off for the first time since he put it on my finger in Nov. 2013.  I’m mad but not consumed with anger.  I spent a lot of time processing my feelings about various aspects of our relationship, but not this one because I did not know until today, though I guess I might have suspected something like this..... I just don’t know what to think.  I know it all wasn’t a lie, but evidently parts of it were.  That is why I took my ring off.  

Comment by booktime (Susan) on July 2, 2018 at 3:34am

Today would have been our 23rd wedding anniversary. No tears but I am thinking of that day!


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