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Widowed in 2014

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Comment by Nieta on November 22, 2018 at 9:15am

Thank you Silverlady and, a blessed thanksgiving to everyone and their loved ones.

Comment by idaho on November 22, 2018 at 9:12am

Thanks for thinking of me Silverlady. Bend is ok...I am very homesick, but moved here for my daughter's education and she is doing awesome in RPA. I am especially emotional this year and feely very lonely. I also celebrated my anniversary last week .31 years! I thought it would get easier ..but no! Still seems like yesterday. Hope everyone one finds some joy today in their memories

Comment by silverlady on November 22, 2018 at 6:57am

There is some comfort in knowing I am not alone in still struggling after nearly 5 years. The holiday season seems especially hard for those of us whose anniversaries are at this time of year. We celebrated 40 years of marriage last Sunday. I never dreamed we would be in a “transdimensional relationship” on that day. 

I’m thinking of each of you who have posted this Thanksgiving. Idaho, I’m wondering how things are going for you here in Oregon. Experiencing the holidays in a new place for the first time must bring all kinds of emotions. Just Me, I’m wondering how things are going with your son. We had discussed changes in family relationships here a few months ago. It’s a long story, but my sister an I are going to family therapy to try to improve our relationship. I also never dreamed that would be an aftermath to Gary’s death. Nieta, how very, very hard for you to be facing the difficult transitions of your parents so relatively soon after the death of your husband. My heart goes out to you. 

To all reading this post, know you are thought of this Thanksgiving Day.


Comment by Nieta on November 22, 2018 at 2:50am

It's been a while since I've posted to this site.  February 12th of next year will mark the 5th year anniversary of the day my dear husband went to Heaven  I know not everyone believes the same thing - this is simply what I believe.  The last couple of years have been a blur for different reasons.  

In August of 2017, my dad fell in front of my parent's home in Miami.  Dad was 87 when this happened and my mom, was 84. I live in NY so, I basically flew back and forth several times and my hotel room was basically either a hospital or rehabilitation center.  Poor dad lost the ability to stand, walk and even feed himself.  He became completely incontinent and they found multiple infections.  Tests revealed that he had incurred strokes, pneumonia, sepsis, liver issues and kidney issues. Not all at the same time but, each time one thing got better, some other issue cropped up.  In short, I was watching my dad die slowly and I know it.

On October 22nd, the doctor told my mom to ask me to come back out.  She hesitated because I had already made several trips and I had to work.  Thankfully, she called anyway and I was on the first flight out the following morning.  

My dad had relentlessly kept calling out for my mom while in the hospitals and rehab centers but this time, he started asking for me.  I heard him ask for me as I was walking into the hospital room and his face lit up.  In fact, his vitals started to improve and doctors and nurses actually thought he was going to make it.  Things seemed to improve until nightfall.  I had set up my usual makeshift bed with a couple of chairs on one side of his bed and at night, I saw him looking up at the ceiling and reaching his arm out as if seeing someone and speaking to someone.  No sound came from his lips but he was mouthing words.  I knew this was not a good sign and suspected he was going to pass soon.  The following day, I sent my mom and her caretaker out of the hospital room and had a talk with my dad.  I asked him if he was tired and expressed that I wanted the truth and not what he wanted me to hear.  He replied that he was tired of all the doctors, needles, etc.  Most of all, he was tired of what he was putting my mom and me through.  

I told my dad that he would always have a wife and daughter that would absolutely adore him and that, if he was tired, he should not be afraid to let go because he had a son on the other side that he hadn't seen in a long time (my older brother passed away about 3 decades ago).  Dad's vitals started to fluctuate the following morning and before long, he slipped away in the presence of my mother and I as we kissed him and caressed his arms - telling him it was okay to let go.

I arranged the cremation and memorial service for dad in Miami and also the transporting of his ashes to New York so that I could ultimately bury them in my brother's grave.

To fast forward a bit, mom sold their home, came to live with me this March and was diagnosed with moderate stage senile dementia after suffering multiple minor strokes about a month ago.  I took her to the emergency room of a neighborhood hospital when her primary could not see her fast enough and had a CT scan, an x-ray, 2 EKGs and an MRI done among other tests and they all showed evidence of neural damage from minor strokes in her brain.  The EKGs showed that she has a nearly sealed blockage in the main valve to her heart and she is not a candidate for surgery due to her age and condition.  So, I'm living with the knowledge that I could now lose my mom to another stroke or heart attack or, ultimately, dementia.

Comment by on November 21, 2018 at 9:58pm

Hello Idaho. I just made it through the fourth anniversary date of my husband’s passing at midnight. I’m trying to wind down and sleep. Last year wasn’t as hard for me either. This year I started getting depressed and anxiously anticipating the date many weeks ago. I don’t understand why, but it seems like this inconsistency is pretty common, and stressful. I even had a few really disturbing dreams this month. For me, getting through the months of November and December feels like sloshing through mud each day. My husband passed suddenly right before Thanksgiving, so that’s the first day, then I attempt to get through Thanksgiving, our wedding anniversary and Christmas. I never realized how many days during the year we spent marking special events and celebrations until I had to spend these days without him. Sometimes I just don’t think I’ll make it through one more holiday or birthday without him, but somehow I do. It passes and things get better for awhile. Maybe that’s what we all do and eventually we either get better at it or actually start finding more happiness as we adjust to being one instead of two. Well, I just wanted you to know someone is listening and understanding you tonight. Keep coming here when you need support. There are so many of us who care and this is a good place to share the good and the bad. 

Comment by idaho on November 21, 2018 at 7:19pm

Feeling very lonely... it's weird..this time last year ( my anniversary and Thanksgiving a week later) I felt fine. But this year, I just want to cry and stay in bed. I feel sooo alone..even in a room full of people.

Comment by idaho on July 23, 2018 at 7:25am

Welcome LadyG, everything you described is pretty normal, for me anyway. It has been four years for me and the tears still flow and the sadness remains. I guess II cal it my new normal. I just take one day at a time. Things will pop up here and there that will remind you of your loved one..sometimes they will bring tears and sometimes a smile. I find the hardest part of grief is that everyone has moved on and they seem to expect us to do the same. As if we are grieving too long. My moving has everyone thinking..I have forgotten and am moving on..saying things like "oh perhaps you will meet a new man" ..I am moving forward but it is still baby steps and I am only "strong" because I have no other choice. Inside I am petrified, feeling alone and lonely, sad. I suppose bI feel if I put on a brave face and act "together" and happy then maybe it'll become reality. So no, you are not abnormal ..just stay in the moment for now. When you are ready to visit the memories good and bad.. you will know and  you will be a little step closer to healing. Meanwhile, take your time and do what you need to do for you

Comment by LadyG on July 23, 2018 at 1:14am

New here to Widville.  It's been 3 -1/2 years and I'm feeling lost.  No,  it's not as HORRIBLY painful as that first year of shock and paralysis but it's still more difficult than I can deal with most of the time.   In my present life I try to stay "in the moment" so I don't go down the rabbit hole of anguish but I think I'm starting to realize that I'm in a phase where I'm purposefully suppressing memories to avoid the pain of my loss.  Therefore when something comes up that that makes me think about my beloved I am immediately reunited with that hot searing grief of the original pain.  Just needing to know I'm sorta normal of I'm not one of those people who is doing "better" at this point in time.   I get that its a spectrum were all apart of.  It just seems like society as a whole pushes the idea that if were doing better we're somehow stronger.   I'm strong for still being alive !

And Dear Idaho,  I hope Oregon is good for you.   Change is hard.   Oregon was our home for more than 20 years.  I am somewhere else now.   Sending living supportive thoughts your way.  

Comment by silverlady on July 7, 2018 at 5:57pm

Welcome to Oregon, dear Idaho. I hope things go as well as possible for you and your daughter in your new home. 


Comment by idaho on July 3, 2018 at 6:56am

Hello all, I have not been on here in awhile. I have been trudging along one day at a time. I don't cry as often and maybe I even smile a little more. I got married at 24. I went from Dad to dorms to husband so I have never done really anything by myself. I have now learned to do many things I thought I would never do and have been trying to remain strong throughout. My biggest daughter and I are moving. I am both excited and petrified to be starting this new adventure to Bend Oregan. I will be leaving friends and support in this small town and going where I know no one. However, the new school will be better for my daughter and hopefully I will find work fast and we will be ok! I know my husband will be on the journey with us! This forum has given me the courage that I need. Thank you all.


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