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Widowed in 2014

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Members: 414
Latest Activity: Jul 7

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Comment by Gary'swife on January 10, 2018 at 8:19pm

@Doug02122014 -   Such a nice photo.   The connection is always there, especially when you have children.  I have not yet gone to see the movie "Coco", but I like the sentiment that we are connected to those who are dead, because that is how I feel. 

Comment by Doug02122014 on January 10, 2018 at 12:37pm

Today is another 1st. on this journey.  My youngest daughter stared driving by herself.   I put her through the driving school and had to prod her the entire way.   When asked why a senior in high school didn’t want to drive she said that she was afraid she would be in a wreck and kill someone in her vehicle or the other vehicle.  

Anyway it was a somber day on many fronts.  

So I  just added her to my auto insurance policy from the front seat parked as close to my wife's grave as is allowed. Somehow I feel like I have to stop by the cemetery to keep her up to date on the family.  LOL. Anyway I inclued her mother in this right-of-passage.

Comment by silverlady on January 8, 2018 at 6:19pm

Just Me and Gwamma, your posts have been really helpful to me. The controlling behavior and angry outbursts on the part of close family members seem to be common themes in our “stories.” With death being the ultimate loss of control, I guess maybe this is not surprising. I hope it is something that psychologists will begin addressing. Sending you both hugs!

Comment by Just.me on January 7, 2018 at 7:20pm

Thank you Gwamma and silver lady for your responses. It meant so much to have people who understand these strange changes that take place after we become widowed, even with our closest family members. You both have experienced some of the very same things that have happened to me. I think the idea of the dance program triggering some held back emotions may be true. And I must say that I've felt that my son often gets miffed if our plans or ideas differ. He was never quite so controlling before, buts that's become an issue for me.. I'm pretty independent and although I really don't think he wants to be responsible for me, I do think he expects me to believe he knows what's best. Our relationship is so different now. It helps so much to see that this may be due to issues he is dealing with and not necessarily something I've said or done. You all have given me a fresh perspective. I appreciate you all so much.

Comment by Gwamma on January 7, 2018 at 1:22pm

Just me.  Big hugs.  It’s certainly awful when we realize that ALL our relationships change when we lose our mate..even (almost ESPECIALLY, I think, with our children).  Everyone viewed us as half of a pair.  Now we have to be viewed as a solitary individual.  I remember when I first married that I overheard my father talking to my new hubby expressing relief that the “responsibility” for my wellbeing and happiness was now officially off his shoulders and onto my new hubby.  I was hurt but considered it a custom of daddy’s generation.  Then, when my husband passed away, suddenly my own SON started acting different toward me.  As though I lost the ability to think and reason and act independently.  This still persists even to today, even though I still work a full time job and live in my own home alone.  God help me if I don’t answer the phone when he calls!  Worse still when i am not home when he drops by for a visit, even though he didn’t tell me he was coming!  The anger he expresses is outrageous.  I have to keep reminding him I don’t need his permission to have a life of my own and come and go as I please.  It’s as though he feels I am his child and expects me to act as such even though I rarely ask for his help and/or advice.  It’s the same attitude my father and my husband had.  I think it’s a male mindset.  All too often males seem to express their concern as outbursts of anger, I think.  I had hoped this would have abated after 3 years, but it hasn’t.  Most recently he has “assigned” me to his wife to deal with me since I kept telling him that his anger toward me was unreasonable and unacceptable.  Thank goodness his wife and I are best of friends!

Comment by silverlady on January 7, 2018 at 5:26am

Just Me, my heart goes out to you after reading your post. While we didn’t have children so I can’t comment from that perspective, I have had a similar situation with my sister with whom I have always been close. Within weeks after my husband died, she began having angry outbursts at me and treating me in ways she never would have before. Like you, I felt like I had another “loss.” A widowed friend of mine has received the anger treatment from her daughter since her husband died as well. We have observed that it is almost like there is a kind of shunning that occurs. Would you and your husband likely have made this drive if he were still alive? This circumstance may have triggered grief in your son for what used to be, for not only his stepdad but for how you used to be. I know this doesn’t really make you feel better about what your son said to you, but I hope it helps a little to know that you are not alone in grieving not only the death of your husband but also the change in relationship with another family member. It is tortuous. A big virtual hug to you! (You actually come to my mind often; I’ll think, “Oh, I’m just like the woman on WV, it’s “just me!”)

Comment by Just.me on January 6, 2018 at 10:43pm

I just had a very sad and upsetting incident happen with my oldest son right before Christmas and I'm having difficulty just putting it away as one of those things that happen, but will never be quite understood,. I didn't feel that driving two hours in the sleet and rain was a safe choice for me to go see my granddaughter's dance recital on a Saturday afternoon. I explained this to my son the night before the program. He seemed to understand as I had recently made the drive for a birthday and another for Thanksgiving. But somehow, the conversation evolved into one of anger on his part with me asking him to explain what was really going on. He  became belligerent and actually said, "Mom you really don't want to go there."  But, I was so confounded and got a bit hot myself and told him I did really want to know what was up. He said there were three men in his life he truly admired and felt he owed them so much in his life. One was an uncle. One was a friend's dad and the third was his stepdad, who was the love of my life.  He said since Jim passed, he really didn't like being around just me. I've always felt my son has been dependable and there for me, but only out of duty and obligation. I really didn't want to believe it, but it's obviously true. Truthfully, I'm not controlling or obtrusive. I don't call all the time or ask favors and I try to be as positive around his family as possible. After losing over have of my family when Jim died, this is just too much to take. I don't know what to do to go on. What if I loose my younger son too? I believe my oldest thinks three years is long enough to grieve and I should just get over it. I don't think it's helped to be candid with him about my feelings. Sorry to unburden myself with the group, but if anyone has any words of wisdom, I welcome you to make any remarks that could help. Thank you.

Comment by Froggie4635 on January 5, 2018 at 9:25am

Dear Leesa...

So sorry to hear about your loss.  My Mark died on Dec. 4, 2014....two days after his 53 birthday.  I am glad that the holidays are over.  I have found myself having many more good days than bad....but the holidays are always the worst.  You are in good company here.

Comment by Leesajanel on January 5, 2018 at 6:08am

my name is Leesa n im new here my husband matt passed away Dec 6 2014 at 5:28 am which was 21 days before our 28th wedding anniversary he was my high school sweetheart we dated all through high school then got married had 2 children we were happily married this was not how it was suppose to happen we were suppose to grow old together instead im alone God I miss him with ever breath I take 

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on December 31, 2017 at 11:09am

If you don't have plans this evening, pop into the chat room to ring in the new year with other Villagers. You are not alone. We'll be there for all US time zones from 11pm Eastern to 12:30am Pacific.

http://widowedvillage.org/chat

 

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