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Widowed in 2015

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Comment by Flower on April 8, 2017 at 4:55am
Terry
Good for you for being brave and following your instincts! I am pretty sure you wouldn't have taken this step if you were not sure you could manage financially and it will allow you time to grieve and regroup and see what it is you want to do next.
I am cheering you on!!
Comment by Terry on April 8, 2017 at 2:45am

Talk about a leap of faith!!!  Several times in this group I have mentioned that I am so unhappy with my job that I was very seriously considering giving it up.  Since my wife passed, I no longer felt the passion for going into this workplace every day and in fact would feel physically ill as I would walk across the parking lot towards it.  I had to have a serious talk with myself and ask myself if it was worth putting myself through this every day.  Last week someone asked the question on here, I think it may have been Mary H, if you knew you only had one year to live what would you do.  The first thought that came to my mind and it didn't take any thought, was quit my job.  So, my goal for the time being is to take a year for myself and see what life brings.  I will start to use the knowledge I have gained from my palliative care course and volunteer at a local hospice.  I am hoping to discover that I won't need as much financially as I thought I would.  I look around me in this house and see lots of 'things' that I was convinced I really needed.  As a widower, I found that I was engaging in a lot of 'retail therapy'.  Although it felt good at the time, it didn't fill any hole that was left by my wife.  If anything, it felt emptier as she was not here to enjoy it with me.  So....with a little excitement and a whole lot of fear I will see what this next chapter brings in my life when it begins on April 29.  From friends and relatives I am getting a mix of 'I envy you so much' and 'Are you effing nuts quitting a job in this day and age?'  All I know is when a job makes you so sick at the thought of doing it every day, it is time to ask yourself if it is worth the sleepless nights, the constant knot in my stomach, the feelings of dread from the time I leave work until it is time to go back.  Wish me well everyone:)

Comment by Flower on April 7, 2017 at 1:30pm
Is anyone struggling with insomnia?
I didn't sleep well all through my husbands battle with cancer and it has continued since his death. I am running on 4-5 hours of sleep a night and it is really taking its toll on me.
I have tried melatonin but it didn't help. My Dr is very anti sleeping tablets but has suggested a low does antidepressant but the idea makes me nervous.
Comment by Kaci on April 5, 2017 at 4:48pm
Flower,
You're ahead of the game in away since you've already gotten yourself in to a manageable place to live. I think it's great!

I agree, second year has been more difficult that the first. The reality of it all has set in and without a doubt this is really happening.

I have a very nice boyfriend, also widowed. Having him doesn't take the pain of my loss away or make me miss my husband any less but I certainly feel blessed to have him in my life. kc
Comment by Flower on April 5, 2017 at 1:45pm
Mary, I feel like the grief and sadness of not having my lovely man any more is settling on me more and more heavily as time goes on (it's almost 16 months now).
For me year one was about survival, year two is now facing up to the reality that this is my life....and I am not that keen on it to be honest!
I can't bear to think I may have so many long years ahead without my husband and I can't imagine there ever being anyone else, sometimes when I think about the future without him it's almost like having a panic attack. I tried to explain to someone that life without him feels like living but without the color and joy (I am sure they though I was being dramatic)
Kaci, I am really struggling with the motivation to do things, it's an achievement to get to work, look after the dog and exercise each day.
I sold my house and moved six months after my husband died (breaking one of those rules about what not to do in the first year). We had been talking about it and it felt like the right thing to do, my college age son was very supportive about it. I am renting a new apartment that has a nice community feel in a small town and I love it for now. I have no idea where I want to be in a few years but knew I couldn't stay in our big house. It was exhausting downsizing and moving though!
Comment by Kaci on April 4, 2017 at 2:30am
Mary H,
I'm so sorry you are feeling worse. At this point (almost two years for me) I am still continuously up and down.

Heartbroken Spirit,
Every day I think to myself I should journal/write. I know this would be good for me yet I fail to do it. I do that with a lot of things. I have so much to do but I just fail to act on it.

Is anyone working on cleaning out/organizing your home with thoughts of downsizing? My husband and I built our dream home in 2000. It's large and just my son and I live here. I have a three acre yard that's being taken over with weeds and Bermuda grass. I need a new roof and the shower in my bathroom needs redone. My attic and basement are full of "stuff" that needs sorted through. My husband left behind many childhood collections, coins, trains, etc. He continued to collect trains into adulthood. We have a huge dedicated "train room" downstairs....I'm overwhelmed when I think of dismantling it and packing it all up..to do what with it?? He had our kids involved so they each have their own collection as well. I would be open to ideas on simplifying life. I keep thinking that once I make it through the 2 year mark and that Spring is here maybe I'll get to some of it. Spring cleaning, that's the plan. Lol, we'll see.
Comment by Mary H on April 3, 2017 at 8:39pm

The book I am reading is Letting Go by David Hawkins.  It's not a widow written book.  I looked at the one you mentioned, and it seems like people really like it.  I've been looking for something else because so many of the widow books wind up, like Fighting Forward, with the widow finding a new love.  I am not against that at all, there is just a sad broken part of me that thinks I won't have the same fairy tale ending, that I'm not Cinderella, that I'm going to drag this massive growing pain around until I finally get out of this life.  (And yes, it got better for a while, but now it is growing, like a boulder rolling down the long, long hill of all the time I have left and loneliness adhering to it as it rolls.)

And Heartbroken, I am sorry for your loss too.  Everybody's post helps someone, I believe, and I hope it has helped you too and that you will join in more.  Posting on this site is a lifeline for me, I know I'd be doing so much worse without it, and I am very grateful for everyone here.

Comment by Kaci on April 3, 2017 at 6:31pm
Mary H,
What book are you reading, some of the things you mentioned sound like they could have come from Fighting Forward by Jan Owen.
Comment by Heartbroken Spirit on April 3, 2017 at 3:52pm
Seems like yesterday that Rick passed away. I absolutely hate Cancer!!!! But my life is gaining momentum although I still feel like I am living in a parallel universe. My family and friends are great and extremely supportive but there is a hole in my heart for sure. We had just celebrated our 30 wedding anniversary. I waited so long before posting because it hurt so much to write out my grief. But now, journaling helps. So sorry for everyone's loss!!!!
Comment by Mary H on April 3, 2017 at 8:28am

Happy belated birthday Hope!  I'm sure it was hard, be we all care about you.  My own birthday is coming in a couple of weeks and I plan to ignore it.  Or maybe to lean in to the pain.  I've made a lot of mistakes trying to be strong because I thought it hopeless to ever get past how I feel, but I'm learning now to do just as everyone a little further along on this site has suggested ever since the beginning, to allow myself to feel how I feel regardless of the judgements I or anyone else around me makes about my life and the way I am handling the devastating loss of my husband and the end of my own best years.  I found this great book which put it perfectly that says that grief is the feeling that you can never get over something, that "this one is too difficult."  It made a good case that if you resist your grief it can go on and on for years.  So here's to feeling really sad, and Happy Birthday to us.

 

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