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Latest Activity: on Thursday
Talk about a leap of faith!!! Several times in this group I have mentioned that I am so unhappy with my job that I was very seriously considering giving it up. Since my wife passed, I no longer felt the passion for going into this workplace every day and in fact would feel physically ill as I would walk across the parking lot towards it. I had to have a serious talk with myself and ask myself if it was worth putting myself through this every day. Last week someone asked the question on here, I think it may have been Mary H, if you knew you only had one year to live what would you do. The first thought that came to my mind and it didn't take any thought, was quit my job. So, my goal for the time being is to take a year for myself and see what life brings. I will start to use the knowledge I have gained from my palliative care course and volunteer at a local hospice. I am hoping to discover that I won't need as much financially as I thought I would. I look around me in this house and see lots of 'things' that I was convinced I really needed. As a widower, I found that I was engaging in a lot of 'retail therapy'. Although it felt good at the time, it didn't fill any hole that was left by my wife. If anything, it felt emptier as she was not here to enjoy it with me. So....with a little excitement and a whole lot of fear I will see what this next chapter brings in my life when it begins on April 29. From friends and relatives I am getting a mix of 'I envy you so much' and 'Are you effing nuts quitting a job in this day and age?' All I know is when a job makes you so sick at the thought of doing it every day, it is time to ask yourself if it is worth the sleepless nights, the constant knot in my stomach, the feelings of dread from the time I leave work until it is time to go back. Wish me well everyone:)
The book I am reading is Letting Go by David Hawkins. It's not a widow written book. I looked at the one you mentioned, and it seems like people really like it. I've been looking for something else because so many of the widow books wind up, like Fighting Forward, with the widow finding a new love. I am not against that at all, there is just a sad broken part of me that thinks I won't have the same fairy tale ending, that I'm not Cinderella, that I'm going to drag this massive growing pain around until I finally get out of this life. (And yes, it got better for a while, but now it is growing, like a boulder rolling down the long, long hill of all the time I have left and loneliness adhering to it as it rolls.)
And Heartbroken, I am sorry for your loss too. Everybody's post helps someone, I believe, and I hope it has helped you too and that you will join in more. Posting on this site is a lifeline for me, I know I'd be doing so much worse without it, and I am very grateful for everyone here.
Happy belated birthday Hope! I'm sure it was hard, be we all care about you. My own birthday is coming in a couple of weeks and I plan to ignore it. Or maybe to lean in to the pain. I've made a lot of mistakes trying to be strong because I thought it hopeless to ever get past how I feel, but I'm learning now to do just as everyone a little further along on this site has suggested ever since the beginning, to allow myself to feel how I feel regardless of the judgements I or anyone else around me makes about my life and the way I am handling the devastating loss of my husband and the end of my own best years. I found this great book which put it perfectly that says that grief is the feeling that you can never get over something, that "this one is too difficult." It made a good case that if you resist your grief it can go on and on for years. So here's to feeling really sad, and Happy Birthday to us.
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