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Latest Activity: on Friday
I find myself rehashing the final few days of my wife's life over and over again in my mind. This comes and goes but I find it very unsettling. I am not sure if I am thinking that by going over it again it will make it seem like she is still here or what. It is not like I am trying to find something more I could have done but instead seem to feel a closeness to her when I do it. Do any of you find yourself doing the same thing and what do you come away from it with? Relief or feelings of frustration at reliving the ordeal?
Supposed to crept back into my mind last night for no reason. He's supposed to be here, he's supposed to be here with me all my life. You see writers express this feeling in time travel movies all the time, the unlikely world, the wrong world, the terrible mistake. That's how I feel. Trapped in a shadow world, going through the motions, trying to be brave.
Terry and Barbee, thanks for your posts earlier in the week about anger. I lost my fiance on 2/10 and have been finding that these last few weeks I am incredibly angry about everything. Not at my fiance and not at God, but at everyone and everything else. The littlest things set me off. I'm not an angry person and I'm not used to feeling like this, but I'm glad to know I'm not alone. I also love the suggestion about the ice cubes--I'm going to give that a try.
David and I did everything together. So I am finding it hard to get out of the house. I also have been fighting a flu that I think has been caused by my exhaustion with the whole "hospital days/weeks/months". I try and drag my self out most days to take care of at least one thing on the "paper work" list. Any ideas on how I can meet a lady friend that would go out to a movie or breakfast occasionally with me.
It was my birthday yesterday. As my kids lit the candle on my cake and sang happy birthday to me, I had to stop myself from using the wish to have my husband back.
Ginny2300, there must be something in the air today because it was a rough one for me as well. It started off with me thinking that it was going to be an 'okay' day but I was walking down an aisle at work and the thought came into my mind that my wife was really gone. It seemed like my mind was trying to give me a dose of reality even though it was telling me something that I thought I already knew. This must be part of the grief process where our minds allow us to digest things in small portions to make them manageable. I had to go to a quiet place at work to allow those darn drops of water to leak out of my eyes again. I find I am crying over other people's losses now too especially if it is another husband losing his wife because I know exactly how he feels. I guess we just need to trust that things will get 'different' because at this point hoping for 'better' just doesn't seem realistic to me.
Terry, thank you for your response. I now see that I must have been in the "eye of the storm" as you put it because after a pretty decent weekend (the first since my SO had his heart attack) I have melted down today. I work from home so I am glad no can see me crying constantly. But, that detached feeling I had last week has gone and now I am feeling everything so strongly again. I must learn to be patient with the ebb and flow of this grief.
Mary H, you are so right. The past few days I was thinking to myself "what if I go back to the way I was before I met Anne?" I used to be very introverted and my life consisted of going to work and then coming home until it was time to go to work again. Anne taught me that life was so much more than that! Thank you for bringing it to my attention that that is not the person I am anymore! I will not go back to being that person, the person that she encouraged me to be is the new me. I know I have been so lucky to have her as a part of my life. There was a 18 year age difference between us (she was older) and many people thought that it would probably not last. We would have celebrated our 27th anniversary on June 17th. I am still going to find a way to mark that day. I read last week that "death ends a life, it does not end a relationship". I took great comfort in that because it matches my belief. When Anne passed, I knew that our love was eternal and I was okay with never finding that kind of love again, the kind that some people never find.
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