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Widowed in 2015

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Comment by Terry on April 20, 2015 at 6:17pm

I find myself rehashing the final few days of my wife's life over and over again in my mind.  This comes and goes but I find it very unsettling.  I am not sure if I am thinking that by going over it again it will make it seem like she is still here or what.  It is not like I am trying to find something more I could have done but instead seem to feel a closeness to her when I do it.  Do any of you find yourself doing the same thing and what do you come away from it with?  Relief or feelings of frustration at reliving the ordeal?

Comment by Mary H on April 20, 2015 at 5:37am

Supposed to crept back into my mind last night for no reason.  He's supposed to be here, he's supposed to be here with me all my life.  You see writers express this feeling in time travel movies all the time, the unlikely world, the wrong world, the terrible mistake. That's how I feel.  Trapped in a shadow world, going through the motions, trying to be brave.

Comment by CandJ02 on April 17, 2015 at 5:54pm

Terry and Barbee, thanks for your posts earlier in the week about anger. I lost my fiance on 2/10 and have been finding that these last few weeks I am incredibly angry about everything. Not at my fiance and not at God, but at everyone and everything else. The littlest things set me off. I'm not an angry person and I'm not used to feeling like this, but I'm glad to know I'm not alone. I also love the suggestion about the ice cubes--I'm going to give that a try. 

Comment by Meme908 on April 17, 2015 at 8:21am
Broken...I have a similar situation in that my husband and I, while, we had a few friends, we just preferred to be together....it has been two months, and i know that I am the only one that can keep Mel's name alive so that our young grandchildren will not forget him...it does seem to help to have a few social outings and I have just been calling up old friends and inviting them to lunch...I also live where some of the churches offer bereavement groups (and you do not need to be a member to attend)...the bereavement group was very helpful to be able to share and it also organized my week around going somewhere on a Monday night... I also decided to do a volunteer activity...again, just for the company...
Comment by broken on April 17, 2015 at 6:33am

David and I did everything together.  So I am finding it hard to get out of the house.  I also have been fighting a flu that I think has been caused by my exhaustion with the whole "hospital  days/weeks/months".  I try and drag my self out most days to take care of at least one thing on  the "paper work" list.  Any ideas on how I can meet a lady friend that would go out to a movie or breakfast occasionally with me.

Comment by Mary H on April 14, 2015 at 5:09am

It was my birthday yesterday.  As my kids lit the candle on my cake and sang happy birthday to me, I had to stop myself from using the wish to have my husband back.

Comment by Terry on April 13, 2015 at 1:16pm

Ginny2300, there must be something in the air today because it was a rough one for me as well.  It started off with me thinking that it was going to be an 'okay' day but I was walking down an aisle at work and the thought came into my mind that my wife was really gone.  It seemed like my mind was trying to give me a dose of reality even though it was telling me something that I thought I already knew.  This must be part of the grief process where our minds allow us to digest things in small portions to make them manageable.  I had to go to a quiet place at work to allow those darn drops of water to leak out of my eyes again.  I find I am crying over other people's losses now too especially if it is another husband losing his wife because I know exactly how he feels.  I guess we just need to trust that things will get 'different' because at this point hoping for 'better' just doesn't seem realistic to me.

Comment by Ginny2300 on April 13, 2015 at 12:16pm

Terry, thank you for your response. I now see that I must have been in the "eye of the storm" as you put it because after a pretty decent weekend (the first since my SO had his heart attack) I have melted down today. I work from home so I am glad no can see me crying constantly. But, that detached feeling I had last week has gone and now I am feeling everything so strongly again. I must learn to be patient with the ebb and flow of this grief.

Comment by Meme908 on April 12, 2015 at 4:53pm
Reading Mary H and Terry's comments today, I had a moment of respite from my sadness and realized that to have had the incredible experience of having been able to love, and be loved, unconditionally was a special gift....and while I am still protesting through my grief that this connection does not exist in the physical sense, the impact of the special people in our lives does, I believe forever stay with us ....the experience of our relationships changes us. Over the years, I often said that my husband made be kinder and less critical--overall, he made me a better person than I might otherwise have been...perhaps in the future, we will be able to actually believe this Dr. Seuss quote I recently found: Do not weep for what was, but smile because it happened."
Comment by Terry on April 12, 2015 at 8:00am

Mary H, you are so right.  The past few days I was thinking to myself "what if I go back to the way I was before I met Anne?"  I used to be very introverted and my life consisted of going to work and then coming home until it was time to go to work again.  Anne taught me that life was so much more than that!  Thank you for bringing it to my attention that that is not the person I am anymore!  I will not go back to being that person, the person that she encouraged me to be is the new me.  I know I have been so lucky to have her as a part of my life.  There was a 18 year age difference between us (she was older) and many people thought that it would probably not last.  We would have celebrated our 27th anniversary on June 17th.  I am still going to find a way to mark that day.  I read last week that "death ends a life, it does not end a relationship".  I took great comfort in that because it matches my belief.  When Anne passed, I knew that our love was eternal and I was okay with never finding that kind of love again, the kind that some people never find. 

 

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