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Widowed in 2015

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Members: 308
Latest Activity: Nov 4

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Comment by Meme908 on April 11, 2015 at 8:30am
I think whether it is going back to work or going places by oneself when previously you were a couple is one of the many hundreds of hardest things...Mary H has advice that also worked for me...that was to "rehearse" the experience by doing it in small doses....the other thing that has worked for me, is to just carry a lot of Kleenex for those times that the tears come...I have found for me that trying to hold back tears only results in a larger outburst. I have also found that people are not upset by my tears (as long as I am not upset by my tears) when they express condolences or talk about my husband...For some, this may help them see that their condolences and talk about my husband is appreciated
Comment by Terry on April 11, 2015 at 8:01am

catlady, going back to work was definitely a tough one!  As I was heading to work my first day, I was asking myself why I didn't think of asking for a couple of short shifts to start so that I knew I could retreat to my house after 4 hours.  They weren't able to accomodate me the first day due to coverage needs but the 2nd day I left after 4 hours.  I have been able to handle the regular shifts since then.  People coming up to me to offer their condolences and the hugs were really difficult at first.  The comments that really got me though were the "at least your wife isn't suffering anymore".  It is going to be a challenge especially with you working in the place that he spent so much time in.  I purposely had to take an alternate route to work to avoid driving by the hospital for the first 4 weeks as I would always look up at the window of the room she passed in on the hope that she would be looking out to me and it would have all just been a dream.  I can now drive by but still find my legs get weak when I am doing it.  Just remember, we have had that first day back as well so please know that we know how you will be feeling that day and our thoughts will be with you.

Comment by Mary H on April 11, 2015 at 7:37am

I think you might consider going back in for an hour the day or two before you start working so that you can let everyone express themselves and allow yourself to fall apart and be able to go home again afterwards instead of having to stay and work.  Break the glass on it, and it will be less difficult the next time.

Comment by catlady on April 11, 2015 at 7:17am

I am going back to work for the first time since my husband died Feb 16. I work at the same hospital where he was a patient for over 90 days. any suggestions on how to deal with everyone coming up and telling me how sorry they are and not crying all day? grieving is a profound experience, something I did not appreciate before, the grief for a spouse or SO is so different from anything else in life

Comment by Mary H on April 11, 2015 at 7:07am

I put together a photo and music slideshow for my husband's memorial, so I had to confront the photographs right away.  It was very hard at first, but then brought me comfort.  But when I look at the photos, it is different than when my husband was alive, as if there is something fundamentally changed about them.  I felt the same way about the world in the days after my husband died, when I would look out at the hills or houses, it seemed as if there was something missing from them because he wasn't there to see them as well.  It is a little quantum physic-y, but without my husband's observation, the world feels changed.  I am 3 months out and I think I am doing better than I actually am.  You can only tell people how you have learned to focus only on the day at had and not think about the future so many times before you realize that if saying that makes you start crying it isn't really working that well.

Comment by Terry on April 11, 2015 at 6:40am

Ginny2300, there doesn't seem to be a right or wrong way of grieving as I am quickly finding.  It has now been 36 days for me so I am right behind you in terms of time.  I have found that this week has been oddly different compared to last week when the mere thought of my wife or seeing a photo of her would have me crying and sometimes sobbing like you.  I don't think we are in denial or anything like that.  It may just be our system taking care of ourselves because the extreme grief that I felt the first 4 weeks was taking a toll on both my physical and emotional well being.  There are still going to be many very difficult days ahead of us.  I think we need to look at this as almost like being in the eye of the hurricane.  We entered it and are now 'enjoying' a brief respite before we start to leave the eye and enter the storm again.  Just keep thinking that there are many of us out here that are going through exactly what you are.  There is definitely comfort in numbers.  Take care.

Comment by Ginny2300 on April 10, 2015 at 11:53am

My heart goes out to everyone who has loved a lost one. The pain is so hard to bear.

It has been 44 days since my SO of five years passed. He had suffered a heart attack on 2/16 and we ended life support on 2/25. Everyday up until two days ago have been filled with sadness and weeping. I was looking at some pictures of him two nights ago and felt oddly detached.  I am still feeling this way today. Usually Fridays send me into a tailspin because I have another weekend without him. Last Friday looking at pics caused choking sobs. I don't know if it is a wave of denial that has come over me. Has anyone else felt like this so soon after a SO's passing?

Comment by Terry on April 10, 2015 at 2:27am

Thanks for the feedback regarding wearing wedding ring vs retiring it.  As it turns out the 'friends' who were suggesting that I stop wearing it were trying to send the message to me that how will anyone know I am available if I am wearing a wedding ring.  The truth is that I told my wife years ago that if something ever happened to her I would choose to remain on my own.  I would never have wanted or expected her to do that but it was and is a choice that I have made.  I never want someone to be put in the position where I would be comparing them to Anne so it is a decision that I am completely at peace with.  My gut reaction has been and will continue to be to cherish and wear my wedding ring until the day my turn comes.  I will figure out what to do with it after that before that time comes.

Comment by lonelyinaz on April 9, 2015 at 9:24pm
I just had one of the settings redone on the anniversary ring. Told the jewel smith i dont want to lose the diamond. He asked inherited? I said no "widowed", he said ok will take good care of it. Of course, i have my wedding diamond and band. 2 yrs i wear both and always will. Im not divorced im a widow! Im one of those who believe there is a big diff.
Comment by Mary H on April 9, 2015 at 1:18pm

My husband and I had matching rings, and I fought to get his back, for a time it didn't look like it was coming back.  Now I wear his and mine together on my ring finger.  His is larger, but my ring keeps it on my finger well.  It is something I cherish as something which was close to him for years, a beautiful symbolism to remind me of what we meant to each other, and what he still means to me.  If I were you Terry, I'd consider answering people truthfully that you are still wearing your rings because of what they mean to you.  I've said it before elsewhere on this site, but when you are newly widowed there seems to be an inclination among some people to a certain level of cruelty, but when you begin to feel stronger, people will treat you with respect again.

 

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