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Widowed in 2015

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Members: 298
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Comment by Hope on April 3, 2017 at 5:37am

Trying to come back to life..Mary H. I get that. Its 21 months and counting for me. Thelma and Terry I understand your thinking and mixelated...yes, flat. The world feels flat a lot. I read where its better to accept our feelings than try to change them so I am trying to let go and not try to treat grief like a problem to be solved. Love to all of you. I turned 70 on Friday and it would have been our 33rd wedding anniversary. The love of my life. Everything going forward will be ok I guess but the best years of my life will always have been those with Ken

Comment by alonenow (Betsy) on March 30, 2017 at 2:10am
I am so glad that this group is active again. It is so validating. I have been struggling for a long time because I just didn't care about anything. Still a problem at 18 months but sometimes there are little glimmers of interest and hope. It's a long slog and life will never be the same without our loved ones but it sounds like many are making some progress, baby steps. Thanks so much for being here.
Comment by Mary H on March 29, 2017 at 8:36pm

It's good to know that you'd want to quit though, right?  A little message from yourself to yourself that you'd rather have a different job?  I know its not always practical to follow our dreams, but from where I'm sitting, I'm just trying to have dreams again, trying to care more about the little things so that I don't have to feel so much like I'm doing time.  I think about the beauty the dying often find in life when they know time is short, and I find my time too long, and nothing moves me anymore.  I've been trying to do things for myself, trying to come back to life, and it works for a little while, which is an improvement I guess.  It is a lot like depression, although it feels more like just having a too accurate picture of what the rest of life is going to be missing.

Comment by FitFLNana (Thelma) on March 29, 2017 at 1:10pm

I am in there with the rest of you!  It's been 2 years and one month for me - and I still am not really sure who I am now.  I'm still half of a whole.  Terry, if it wasn't for you feeling the same way, I'd think men are different.  I have a male friend who lost his wife exactly one year after my husband died, and he has been dating now for a few months - met women on a dating website!  That just is no where on my radar.  I think I need to be at a good place myself before even considering that!  I like the live as if it was only 1 more year idea too - except, I'd be like Terry again and want to quit my job - so then I'd be in trouble at the end of the year!  I just keep plugging along and end up back here reading your posts to remind myself that it isn't just me!  Thank you all.

Comment by Terry on March 29, 2017 at 6:19am

Mary H...I love what you say about living as if you only have one year left. In my case that could get me in a lot of trouble...lol. The first thing I would do would be to quit my job and spend that year enjoying life, taking each day for myself instead of having to live up to a boss's expectations. The problem would come when I came to the end of that year and found myself still here and have the need for a new job!

Comment by mixelated on March 28, 2017 at 5:47pm

I am right there with you all on this. It's not exactly depression, but it is a lot like it. It makes me crazy when people are surprised that I'm "still dealing with that." If they think most widows are whooping it up and dancing the conga or whatever after just two years, then it's clear that they haven't bothered to pay attention. I miss him every day. I feel as though time is short, despite my being relatively young, so I am trying to do some of the things I enjoy the most, like hiking. However, it all seems very flat without him even if they're my own interests. (On the other hand, I did go hiking by myself for the first time last week, and that was unexpectedly wonderful, even if I found myself talking to flowers and trees like a complete nut.) I am starting to feel very lonely now and then, but I really don't want anyone's company - I'm not sure that makes sense, but there it is. I too am tired of being tired and lost and unhappy, and I'm hoping to catch hold of something that brings back an interest in life. Maybe I should set a goal to work towards, like backpacking for the first time, or a ten or fifteen-mile hike like I haven't done in years. A big enough goal to feel I've accomplished something, but small enough to be doable.

Comment by Flower on March 28, 2017 at 5:04pm
Bundles and Hope,
I crave quiet time! People always ask me if I am lonely - the answer is no but I miss my husband horribly. I find being around people is very tiring and by the time I have spent the day trying to be normal at work I am done! I make myself go out one evening a week and once at the weekend and I am normally glad I did but honestly that is enough for me.
Comment by Hope on March 28, 2017 at 4:54pm

Bundle, I like that idea of going to your own rhythm. I can't do what I used to...don't have the same desires or interests. I am not a homebody but I do find that I don't need as much interaction as I used to

Comment by Bundles549 on March 28, 2017 at 4:49pm

Terry and Flower, I am right there with you! I would love to be able to just go according to my own rhythm instead of trying to keep up with the rest of the world. And they soo don't get it! Everyone is so invested in you moving on according to their time frame! Ans they see what they want to see.

Comment by Bundles549 on March 28, 2017 at 4:45pm

To Cindy, Hope, and Seaneen...yes, I hear you!!! I can't imagine looking too far into the future and seeing nothing there! I would like to have companionship again, but I want it to walk up to me. I am not about to start looking for someone! I go through the motions of life too. I feel drained and tired by the weekend. This past weekend was spent with my 95 year old mother, who lives 3 hrs away. I was ready to leave 2 hours after I got there! She was just overwhelming! I understood that she had been missing me, was so happy to have me and she wanted to experience her daughter doing everything for her, but that really wears me out. And her home to now not set up for any guests, especially overnight. The little details, like meals, and where the towels are, are just not taken care of. So I have to fumble around and be inventive on top of all the rest. Al (hubby) used to make it easier for me by cooking food for us to take, driving me out there, engaging mom in conversation when she wa sucking me dry. Being alone and by myself is such a big adjustment. I like my alone time but when it comes to getting things done, those 2-person jobs are daunting for just 1. I think, and I sigh, and I wonder what this is all about. What was the point of taking my husband away so suddenly and leaving me with no support? Why do I need to learn more? Why do I need to be more independent?

 

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