This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."


Widowed in 2015

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Comment by Kaci on April 4, 2017 at 2:30am
Mary H,
I'm so sorry you are feeling worse. At this point (almost two years for me) I am still continuously up and down.

Heartbroken Spirit,
Every day I think to myself I should journal/write. I know this would be good for me yet I fail to do it. I do that with a lot of things. I have so much to do but I just fail to act on it.

Is anyone working on cleaning out/organizing your home with thoughts of downsizing? My husband and I built our dream home in 2000. It's large and just my son and I live here. I have a three acre yard that's being taken over with weeds and Bermuda grass. I need a new roof and the shower in my bathroom needs redone. My attic and basement are full of "stuff" that needs sorted through. My husband left behind many childhood collections, coins, trains, etc. He continued to collect trains into adulthood. We have a huge dedicated "train room" downstairs....I'm overwhelmed when I think of dismantling it and packing it all do what with it?? He had our kids involved so they each have their own collection as well. I would be open to ideas on simplifying life. I keep thinking that once I make it through the 2 year mark and that Spring is here maybe I'll get to some of it. Spring cleaning, that's the plan. Lol, we'll see.
Comment by Mary H on April 3, 2017 at 8:39pm

The book I am reading is Letting Go by David Hawkins.  It's not a widow written book.  I looked at the one you mentioned, and it seems like people really like it.  I've been looking for something else because so many of the widow books wind up, like Fighting Forward, with the widow finding a new love.  I am not against that at all, there is just a sad broken part of me that thinks I won't have the same fairy tale ending, that I'm not Cinderella, that I'm going to drag this massive growing pain around until I finally get out of this life.  (And yes, it got better for a while, but now it is growing, like a boulder rolling down the long, long hill of all the time I have left and loneliness adhering to it as it rolls.)

And Heartbroken, I am sorry for your loss too.  Everybody's post helps someone, I believe, and I hope it has helped you too and that you will join in more.  Posting on this site is a lifeline for me, I know I'd be doing so much worse without it, and I am very grateful for everyone here.

Comment by Kaci on April 3, 2017 at 6:31pm
Mary H,
What book are you reading, some of the things you mentioned sound like they could have come from Fighting Forward by Jan Owen.
Comment by Heartbroken Spirit on April 3, 2017 at 3:52pm
Seems like yesterday that Rick passed away. I absolutely hate Cancer!!!! But my life is gaining momentum although I still feel like I am living in a parallel universe. My family and friends are great and extremely supportive but there is a hole in my heart for sure. We had just celebrated our 30 wedding anniversary. I waited so long before posting because it hurt so much to write out my grief. But now, journaling helps. So sorry for everyone's loss!!!!
Comment by Mary H on April 3, 2017 at 8:28am

Happy belated birthday Hope!  I'm sure it was hard, be we all care about you.  My own birthday is coming in a couple of weeks and I plan to ignore it.  Or maybe to lean in to the pain.  I've made a lot of mistakes trying to be strong because I thought it hopeless to ever get past how I feel, but I'm learning now to do just as everyone a little further along on this site has suggested ever since the beginning, to allow myself to feel how I feel regardless of the judgements I or anyone else around me makes about my life and the way I am handling the devastating loss of my husband and the end of my own best years.  I found this great book which put it perfectly that says that grief is the feeling that you can never get over something, that "this one is too difficult."  It made a good case that if you resist your grief it can go on and on for years.  So here's to feeling really sad, and Happy Birthday to us.

Comment by Hope on April 3, 2017 at 5:37am

Trying to come back to life..Mary H. I get that. Its 21 months and counting for me. Thelma and Terry I understand your thinking and mixelated...yes, flat. The world feels flat a lot. I read where its better to accept our feelings than try to change them so I am trying to let go and not try to treat grief like a problem to be solved. Love to all of you. I turned 70 on Friday and it would have been our 33rd wedding anniversary. The love of my life. Everything going forward will be ok I guess but the best years of my life will always have been those with Ken

Comment by alonenow (Betsy) on March 30, 2017 at 2:10am
I am so glad that this group is active again. It is so validating. I have been struggling for a long time because I just didn't care about anything. Still a problem at 18 months but sometimes there are little glimmers of interest and hope. It's a long slog and life will never be the same without our loved ones but it sounds like many are making some progress, baby steps. Thanks so much for being here.
Comment by Mary H on March 29, 2017 at 8:36pm

It's good to know that you'd want to quit though, right?  A little message from yourself to yourself that you'd rather have a different job?  I know its not always practical to follow our dreams, but from where I'm sitting, I'm just trying to have dreams again, trying to care more about the little things so that I don't have to feel so much like I'm doing time.  I think about the beauty the dying often find in life when they know time is short, and I find my time too long, and nothing moves me anymore.  I've been trying to do things for myself, trying to come back to life, and it works for a little while, which is an improvement I guess.  It is a lot like depression, although it feels more like just having a too accurate picture of what the rest of life is going to be missing.

Comment by FitFLNana (Thelma) on March 29, 2017 at 1:10pm

I am in there with the rest of you!  It's been 2 years and one month for me - and I still am not really sure who I am now.  I'm still half of a whole.  Terry, if it wasn't for you feeling the same way, I'd think men are different.  I have a male friend who lost his wife exactly one year after my husband died, and he has been dating now for a few months - met women on a dating website!  That just is no where on my radar.  I think I need to be at a good place myself before even considering that!  I like the live as if it was only 1 more year idea too - except, I'd be like Terry again and want to quit my job - so then I'd be in trouble at the end of the year!  I just keep plugging along and end up back here reading your posts to remind myself that it isn't just me!  Thank you all.

Comment by Terry on March 29, 2017 at 6:19am

Mary H...I love what you say about living as if you only have one year left. In my case that could get me in a lot of The first thing I would do would be to quit my job and spend that year enjoying life, taking each day for myself instead of having to live up to a boss's expectations. The problem would come when I came to the end of that year and found myself still here and have the need for a new job!


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