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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Widowed in 2015

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Members: 325
Latest Activity: Jun 25

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Comment by Nardly on November 12, 2019 at 12:11pm

Since Van died in May of 2015 I have not dreamed about her. Not sure if this is a subconscious way of coping or not. But in the last month or so I have. It feels so good to see her again. Last night I dreamed her and I were at a casino for vacation and it felt like we were were getting acquainted again after a long time. I was nervous, happy and excited. It was so sad to wake up and lose her again. Are any of you dreaming of your deceased loved one?

Comment by Mary H on October 21, 2019 at 8:43am

I hear you looking for what you did wrong Nardly, thinking you must be to blame for the loss of the relationship you thought was a part of your life, and I've been there too.  But what I have come to realize is that we can't ruin a real relationship by not being perfect.  Real relationships are full of unearned grace and understanding, these things are freely given, and when they are withheld, its a shortfall in the other person, an inability to give, maybe an inability to deal with what's happened.  Maybe, in the case of children, they come to realize they should have shown more caring, and maybe in the case of adults, they have a guilty conscience, but it's nothing we deserved.

Comment by Nardly on October 20, 2019 at 11:32am

Same here Mary. Right after her passing her sister would have nothing to do with me. The only ones who stayed in touch was her son and youngest sister but that too is now a couple times of year communication. Her daughter who was 5 when we started dating, 10 when we married is now once a year. I look at her as my daughter. I was very involved in bringing her up, going to every gymnastic meet, track meet, band event etc. After the funeral she was at home and I asked her was there anything she wanted, she lives in Atlanta and we were in Virginia. NO! Mom has already given me everything! I was in shock.  Seen her one time since, even though she comes to Richmond to see her brother and aunts at least once a year. I guess I have no one to blame but myself. Van died from ALS and taking care of her by myself really wore on me in so many ways. When she came to visit it was not much help from her, she just wanted to act like nothing was wrong. I remember fussing at her to help. Not giving me more work picking up after her etc. But I wonder if it's like you said that to her family it's a part of history best forgotten. I'm nothing but a reminder of pain and death. 

Comment by Mary H on October 20, 2019 at 8:46am

I went to one of the Camp Widows also, maybe 2016, it's hard to remember, but it was very helpful.  I think it would be helpful even now in helping you with stuffed feelings.

It's beginning to seem like a long time since I lost my husband.  Almost 5 years, and I've brought my life to the point where I felt I could make a trip to bring my youngest (15) to see her father's family in England, and they weren't welcoming when I told them what I was planning.  It might have been a long time, but I still think of him as my husband, and it was a surprise to me that I've been closed out of that family.  For them it's done and behind them.  I am especially disappointed for the sake of my children. 

Comment by CinPan on October 20, 2019 at 6:09am

I attended Camp Widow in 2016, when everything was quite new and still a shock. While it may be a financial challenge, I am considering going for 2020 Camp Widow.  I feel like I need to do something to help bring some of these feelings I stuff down to come to the surface.

Anyone going or have gone recently?

Comment by Charlotteelsie on October 16, 2019 at 8:37am

Hi Hope, welcome back. I find my life experiences vary so widely some ate ok and some so challenging. It so good to hear about people on the group.

Comment by Hope on October 16, 2019 at 7:41am

I really miss the chat room. It was a real Godsend for me when I was here earlier. I got off for a couple of years and am now just coming back to Widowed Village. I felt very much like I needed this connection again

Comment by Mary H on September 21, 2019 at 6:36am

I'm glad to see you are doing well Gaye and Terry, coping and on the mend and thinking there are happier days ahead is how I'm doing too, and I wish it for all of us.  Yes, what we've been through has been so, so hard, and breaking our old expectations, being kind to ourselves, and finding what works for us now, that's the answer, I believe.  Maybe a little slower than the new-mate cure, but surer, or at least I think so... like the tortoise and not the hare.

Comment by TFH2015 on September 19, 2019 at 3:38pm

Mary H...the quitting my job thing lasted for 10 months.  I actually ended up going back to the same company (Home Depot) but in a much different role.  I’m no longer in management but instead just working part time maintaining shelf integrity, building displays etc.  Absolutely NO stress.  I go in each day looking forward to the day as opposed to sitting in my car trying to get the nerve up to go in as in my management days.  When I look back now, I realize I was just completely burnt out.  In 2015, I attended 7 funerals(friends, family, co-workers).  I think I just needed a break to look after me.  During those early years, I studied and got my certificate in palliative care which I thought was my calling.  I have never done anything with it because I was just done with death.  Still dealing with more recent losses but I find they aren’t hitting me as hard as they once did.  I like to think that mentally and emotionally I am on the mend and there are better, happier days ahead.

Comment by Gaye1950 on September 19, 2019 at 3:14pm

Its been helpful to be able to read everyone's posts. My husband died in December 2015 a week before his xmas eve birthday. All year he'd been saying he felt he wasn't going to make it to his birthday and his self fulfilling prophecy came true, sadly.  I still miss him every day and this past year have struggled mightily with depression but I'm winning!  I adopted a rescue dog, Dori, who makes me get out of the house and exercise a little, and more recently a very cuddly Russian Blue mix cat who seems to "Channel" my husband Jerry - sits on his urn box then comes and sits on me!  My son moved in with me which is a mixed blessing, but more good than bad. Good to have someone know if you come home when you go out in the evening especially!  So in nearly four years, I've learned I can cope, I can do myself good by helping others (I'm a RGL leader in Palm Beach County FL) and I hope someday love will find me yet again. Even at my age (almost 69- there should be a special birthday celebration, no?)  Young or old, this grief thing isn't easy. And even friend or family member I have lost in the interim brings it all back home. But maybe that's helping me process the loss?  Sending you all sunshine from South Florida.  Gaye H.

 

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