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Widowed in 2015

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Comment by Hope on May 6, 2016 at 7:18am

So many of the comments I am reading are encouraging in that you are making progress and the "open wound" is healing. I can relate to this as well. While I think of my husband everyday and will always love him my mind is now more focused on building a life alone. I am not as sad and I am getting out more, becoming more productive. It feels good. Then, there are those days where I get that big wave of grief again but they are less and not as overwhelming. I feel that I have finally accepted this new reality. What I feel now is I need to find more friends (particularly widows/widowers) and create a community I can relate to so I am not as lonely. While my family loves me and we see each other they are busy and I don't want to completely lean on them for company. May you all have more good days...Hugs

Comment by Really? on May 6, 2016 at 5:28am

"Transition from 'me' to 'we'" Not there completely yet, but I really enjoy the days that I am. Sometimes I wake up full of life, and a feeling that it's my life to live and the question is only, how can I live it well? And even though I'm so aware that it's mine and mine alone to choose/build, there's also an awareness that he's still with me and he's happy that I'm happy and he's cheering me on. Other days, I can barely see my way until the night time and that becomes my single goal-- just getting through the day. But I can't seem to figure out what the pattern is, if there is one to be found.

I too can report that I'm (nearly!) done with the fully open wound feeling, mixelated. What an apt description.

Congratulations to you, Terry on finding a specific path! I've found one, too, but I hesitate to make the complete leap. I'm getting there in stages, though.

Brandy1977, I talk to my husband out loud, too. I also write to him. Either way, it feels like I've gotten something off my chest and it's easier for me to move on to the next thing.

Comment by mixelated on May 5, 2016 at 8:15pm

After having made it through the first major family crisis without him this last month, having seen our daughter through her accident and surgery and moved her back in with me to recover, I think I am stronger and more stable. I am taking more things in stride rather than crumpling at each challenge. I have stopped feeling like an open wound.  

Most of the time, anyway.

Comment by Mary H on May 5, 2016 at 8:01pm

I'm doing better too.  I made the transition from we to me.  I don't like it nearly as much, but at least I don't feel like a person ripped in two any longer.

Comment by Brandy1977 on May 5, 2016 at 3:34pm

Hi Everyone, Sorry I have not been on for awhile a lot of changes and up and down emotions.

SuzyB, I can relate the 1 year anniversary is coming up on June 16th and I can't believe how fast time has gone just like you I am trying to move forward a little each day I  know I will miss her for the rest of my life but I can't have her back so myself and my kids are going to have to be a family without her here. I still talk to her out loud when I am alone and ask her what I should do when it comes to decisions about our girls. I know we are all going through this journey be we will make it through one step at a time. Hugs to you

Comment by Suzy B on May 5, 2016 at 7:26am

Hi everyone.  I'm not sure exactly what is happening, but I seem to be feeling quite a bit better about my life lately (yes, I'm surprised).  In mid-June it will be a year since Darrell has been gone, so I've begun dreading the anniversary coming up, but other than that things have been going fairly well. I still miss him a lot each and every day, but now I can look at old photos of good times with him and experience both joy as I remember the fun times we had as well as the sadness that he is no longer here. I feel I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I know I will be grieving him to some degree probably the rest of my life, but I can also see that going on with my own life might just be possible without him. In fact, I am already doing that.

Comment by FitFLNana (Thelma) on May 4, 2016 at 1:01pm

Terry - you are blessed to know what area to get into to put purpose back into your life!  And you'll be such a blessing to others!  I am looking - but so unsure.  I am searching for my new normal - and for what the next chapter in my life should look like.

Comment by brokenhearted on May 2, 2016 at 5:53pm

@Hopeful30 - thank you for your kind words.  I don't post too often but I do read the comment wall from time to time.  It's hard sometimes reading the about grief that we all have to work our way through but it's also somewhat comforting realizing this roller coaster of emotions and the efforts to move forward even if by one hour at a time; it's not only me.  All of us are trying to find a way to continue on without our beloved.  Hugs, strength to all and continue to believe in yourself.

Comment by Nieta on April 30, 2016 at 10:59am

Hi Mary H,

I get what you are saying and it is absolutely true.  Husbands and wives make sacrifices, compromises and do things for one another because they love each other.  While well intended, comments like "it wasn't always easy," don't exactly help.  Sometimes, you just need someone to be there to listen and not comment on evolving emotions.

I recently visited my parents in Florida.  Since my Patrick died, my mom has said things that have made me angry and simply aren't helpful at all.  Initially, she stopped mentioning his name as if he never existed and I love to hear his name and I don't want him erased.  I also don't want to hear any gripes about times when they were at odds for whatever reason.  I understand that mothers don't like to see their children suffering and it is their natural instinct to try and make things better, but sometimes it is simply better to be there and remain silent.

I came across an article that mentioned  8 of the worst things you can say to someone who is grieving, and I let her read it during my last visit.  I know it must have upset her because she'd practically said everything on the list to me, but I explained that I did not show it to her to hurt her but to help her understand that the best thing she could do for me is simply be there for me when I fell apart and not try to fix me.  I further explained that what I was on a journey that only I could find my way through and that this was not something I would simply get over.  I think she finally understood.

Here is the link:  8 Worst Things...

Perhaps you can show the list to your friend and speak to her about it.  If she is a true friend, she will understand.

Comment by Mary H on April 30, 2016 at 10:20am

I have a friend who means well who is always waiting to seize on any statement I might make to try to re-frame my loss as not the worst thing in the world.  For example, I might say, "I was weeding the lawn yesterday and he would have really loved it if I had been out there doing it with him while he was still here, but, I was always so tired trying to keep up with him that I would be trying to catch a nap when he was weeding so that I could stay up late with him."  And she would say something along the lines of "it wasn't always easy."  Sometimes she sucks me along with her, and I always feel dirty afterwards.  The thing is, when we love someone, we do make sacrifices, stay up late so they don't have to go to bed alone, stop what we're doing to greet them when they come home, run around doing the errands that make things go smoothly, and at times we press ourselves into their lives at the expense of our own, but we get back more than we give, and none of it makes getting to make all the decisions when you didn't before, or always getting enough sleep worth it.  There's no way to twist what happened into not that bad, and I need to find some way to stop getting sucked into these conversations.


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