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Widowed in 2015

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Members: 316
Latest Activity: Aug 7

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Comment by KayeL on April 29, 2016 at 4:19pm
I know, deaf widow. I would say most of us whoblament here and experience the intense pain is because we loved and were loved by our spouses/partners. I hate not be able to hold his hands anymore...
Comment by deaf widow on April 29, 2016 at 3:01pm

Thank you, KayeL.  No matter what age you are, being without our loved is VERY hard.  I really understand what you are going through!  (Glad you don't smoke)!  Am sending you lots and lots of hugs!!!!!

Comment by KayeL on April 29, 2016 at 2:20pm
I concur what u said, deaf widow. I don't smoke but I sit on the couch staring the nice golf/lake view my hubby picked to be our love nest 8 years ago. I so do wish he were still healthy and alive, would come home at 6 and showered me with lots of love. I have been thinking I am only in my mid 30s, this long lonely widowhood will eat me up soon.
Comment by deaf widow on April 29, 2016 at 2:04pm

I'm at 4 months now since my PJ died from cancer.  All I want to do is go back to live in the past when he was healthy.  I don't want to live alone without him, but what choice do I have?  I don't look forward to tomorrow.  There is no one to share with. Our friends have disappeared, too.  I sit outside (smoking) and stare at the world going by.  All I can think is "I wish you were here, PJ"!  I sooooooo....miss you!

Comment by TG1096 on April 28, 2016 at 6:00am
It's been 15 months since my husband died. I find, like many of you, that entering year two doesn't feel any better than being in year one. For me, it's the stark reality that all decisions, tasks, sorrows, and yes even joys, are mine and mine alone to experience. Have I made all the right decisions? Time will tell. Do I enjoy handling all of the household duties alone? That's a big no! Do I miss him equally in good times as well as bad? For sure! Everyday I actually set my intention to find peace in my day, and to remember the good times we shared, rather than dwell on all that I've lost.Some days I fail miserably, but I just keep on trying. I have noticed that some people think I should be "over it" especially at the 15 month mark. I choose to believe their concern is because they care about me, but the truth is they've never experienced this, so they have no real frame of reference. Instead I surround myself with those who "get it" like those in this group, as well as a few people I've become close to from my grief support group. It's so marvelously freeing to be able to speak my mind without fear of judgement, so THANK you all! Closing with a quote that came to me via a daily grief affirmation email :
"A cut finger is numb before it bleeds; it bleeds before it hurts; it hurts until it begins to heal; it forms a scab and itches until finally, the scab is gone and a small scar is left where once there was a wound. Grief is the deepest wound you ever had. Like a cut, it goes through stages and leaves a scar." Author Unknown
Comment by Really? on April 28, 2016 at 12:02am

There is already a thread about the movie Demolition but this comment applies more here. Maybe I'll go back to that thread later….

Anyhow, in the movie, the main character says, "Everything seems like a metaphor." So, so, so true, at least for me, and it sounds like for you, too, Mary H. I would be frustrated by a view/outlook that was altered without my say-so, too. For me the most obvious and persistent one in my life is the constant losing of things: my keys, the bag full of groceries I just brought home, a piece of mail I meant to answer, my cell phone…. In those moments when I can't find whatever item I only just had, I think, "Yep. It was right here-- real, present, mine… and now I can't find it anywhere… just like a certain beloved husband." :(

Comment by Nieta on April 27, 2016 at 11:15pm

Comment by Nieta on April 27, 2016 at 11:07pm

Dear Mary H,

I recognize that torturous parallel of powerlessness, which is echoed in the words, "I don't want this, but I have to accept it" all too well.

Comment by Mary H on April 27, 2016 at 8:10pm

neighbor just installed solar panels on the roof of their house that my bedroom window looks over.  before it was roof and skyline, ad now it's hard not to have the strong lines of the black and white grid pattern grab my attention.  I don't want this, but I have to accept it.  the thing is, I just don't feel so flexible anymore.  i feel like, geez, aren't things hard enough, now the view out my bedroom window isn't nice any longer?  And I know its not about the view is ruined, its about everything is ruined.

Comment by Really? on April 27, 2016 at 1:02pm

I had to let go of my husband in February of 2015. That means I've finished the first year and almost a quarter of the way into the second. I am frustrated that it's not getting easier... or worse, that it's in some ways it's actually getting harder.

My husband's death was not unexpected. I had some time to (try to) think about what I would do or how it would be… but I knew I couldn't imagine until I actually got through it. How right I was. I also remember saying to a couple of people that I didn't look forward to having to explain myself or jump too soon into action, etc. because I knew that so often happens to widows. I said, "I don't know how it will be when B is gone, but I am sure of one thing. I will more than likely be very, very sad for a long, long time and I hope people will understand that." I was exactly right and I think they do. I've had very little of the bullshit that so many people here have had to deal with, being pushed or pressured by people who have no clue what it's like to miss -literally- your other half.

So why is it that now that I'm here and am indeed very, very sad, for over a year now, that I'm so struck by this disbelief in my situation? It's not that I can't accept that he's gone. I know it in every cell of my being. It's not denial. It's more just pure exhaustion from being sad. I want to be me again, but I can't find "me." Or at least not the whole me, and that's the one I'm missing. I need her back.

There are happy moments, to be sure. I can laugh really hard with some people and feel safe and joyful and alive. But I"m stubborn and I want more. I want to be a firecracker and get on with the business of life, get back to work at the same energy level I used to have, make big plans and then execute them (right now, I'm making big plans but then only executing in fits and starts). 

I think I'm grateful to read that so many others are still struggling after a year. I'm not alone. What a gift to know that, even if it's a sad gift. But I'm also, hmmm…. disappointed to read that what I feared is true: there's no reason to expect myself to just get up and go yet. 

Is there anyone out there who did get their spark back after a year???? 1.5??? I know, everyone's different, but give a girl a little hope already! I'm feeling seriously beaten down. And, on top of that, I keep losing my f&^$*ing keys. 

 

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