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Latest Activity: Aug 7
Thank you, KayeL. No matter what age you are, being without our loved is VERY hard. I really understand what you are going through! (Glad you don't smoke)! Am sending you lots and lots of hugs!!!!!
I'm at 4 months now since my PJ died from cancer. All I want to do is go back to live in the past when he was healthy. I don't want to live alone without him, but what choice do I have? I don't look forward to tomorrow. There is no one to share with. Our friends have disappeared, too. I sit outside (smoking) and stare at the world going by. All I can think is "I wish you were here, PJ"! I sooooooo....miss you!
There is already a thread about the movie Demolition but this comment applies more here. Maybe I'll go back to that thread later….
Anyhow, in the movie, the main character says, "Everything seems like a metaphor." So, so, so true, at least for me, and it sounds like for you, too, Mary H. I would be frustrated by a view/outlook that was altered without my say-so, too. For me the most obvious and persistent one in my life is the constant losing of things: my keys, the bag full of groceries I just brought home, a piece of mail I meant to answer, my cell phone…. In those moments when I can't find whatever item I only just had, I think, "Yep. It was right here-- real, present, mine… and now I can't find it anywhere… just like a certain beloved husband." :(
Dear Mary H,
I recognize that torturous parallel of powerlessness, which is echoed in the words, "I don't want this, but I have to accept it" all too well.
neighbor just installed solar panels on the roof of their house that my bedroom window looks over. before it was roof and skyline, ad now it's hard not to have the strong lines of the black and white grid pattern grab my attention. I don't want this, but I have to accept it. the thing is, I just don't feel so flexible anymore. i feel like, geez, aren't things hard enough, now the view out my bedroom window isn't nice any longer? And I know its not about the view is ruined, its about everything is ruined.
I had to let go of my husband in February of 2015. That means I've finished the first year and almost a quarter of the way into the second. I am frustrated that it's not getting easier... or worse, that it's in some ways it's actually getting harder.
My husband's death was not unexpected. I had some time to (try to) think about what I would do or how it would be… but I knew I couldn't imagine until I actually got through it. How right I was. I also remember saying to a couple of people that I didn't look forward to having to explain myself or jump too soon into action, etc. because I knew that so often happens to widows. I said, "I don't know how it will be when B is gone, but I am sure of one thing. I will more than likely be very, very sad for a long, long time and I hope people will understand that." I was exactly right and I think they do. I've had very little of the bullshit that so many people here have had to deal with, being pushed or pressured by people who have no clue what it's like to miss -literally- your other half.
So why is it that now that I'm here and am indeed very, very sad, for over a year now, that I'm so struck by this disbelief in my situation? It's not that I can't accept that he's gone. I know it in every cell of my being. It's not denial. It's more just pure exhaustion from being sad. I want to be me again, but I can't find "me." Or at least not the whole me, and that's the one I'm missing. I need her back.
There are happy moments, to be sure. I can laugh really hard with some people and feel safe and joyful and alive. But I"m stubborn and I want more. I want to be a firecracker and get on with the business of life, get back to work at the same energy level I used to have, make big plans and then execute them (right now, I'm making big plans but then only executing in fits and starts).
I think I'm grateful to read that so many others are still struggling after a year. I'm not alone. What a gift to know that, even if it's a sad gift. But I'm also, hmmm…. disappointed to read that what I feared is true: there's no reason to expect myself to just get up and go yet.
Is there anyone out there who did get their spark back after a year???? 1.5??? I know, everyone's different, but give a girl a little hope already! I'm feeling seriously beaten down. And, on top of that, I keep losing my f&^$*ing keys.
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