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Widowed in 2015

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Latest Activity: May 14

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Comment by Jack's girl on April 25, 2016 at 6:33pm

Yes, Danteprayer I get those thoughts too.  I find I rehearse going to meet him in the ER and finding out he's dead. I replay why I didn't stay with him longer, and wanting to see his eyes one last time.  It's upsetting at the least, and morbid as too, and it pops up in my thoughts frequently. 

Comment by mixelated on April 25, 2016 at 4:57pm

Suse, weeding a tiny tiny moss garden sounds so very peaceful. Maybe I will make one.... 

I thought I had reached a relatively quiet, stable place for a while, but what with my daughter moving back in I've had to do a lot of things I wasn't really ready for yet - packing his clothes into boxes, getting rid of our bed so that I can make room for my home office stuff, going through yet more mementos - so that I'm having another round of sobbing, nightmares, being unable to do anything productive like actually get out of bed.

I say 'another round,' but really the part about not being able to get up and face the day is new. For more than a year, I got up and got through every day, and in fact hardly could rest at first. Like I ran on adrenaline for the first 9 or 10 months. But I feel like I've absolutely just run out of juice. I'm so tired. This has been unexpected, and I'm finding that grief is still taking new forms. 

I have found so far that those 'year ago' days and holidays are more upsetting in the weeks/days leading up to the day, then that the day itself is not as bad as expected. But I have had to learn to anticipate 2-3 days of recovery time afterwards. 

Comment by Mary H on April 25, 2016 at 4:18pm

I never got to see my husband after he died, which I found so saddening and disorienting, as if I couldn't properly know it had happened or say goodbye.  But when I read stories like yours, danteprayer, I think maybe I was spared.

Comment by Mary H on April 25, 2016 at 4:11pm

The "a year ago" days are exhausting, and at least for my family, I found no relief from the ceremonies I had planned.  It will get better in a couple of months, after you pass the year-agos as well as the it-can't have-been-a-years which follow.

Comment by Cliffy's Girl on April 25, 2016 at 3:56pm
So this day a year ago was the last day I got to spend with my husband and it has been a very exhausting day mentally and I still feel so lost without him and I'm dreading the same time tomorrow when I got the call telling me to come to the hospital because something had happen to him. I know he can't but I wish he could just come back and hold me and let me cry for him till I'm done. I miss him so much.
Comment by danteprayer14 on April 25, 2016 at 3:45pm

Sigh.  Did anyone here find their spouse dead, unexpectedly?  Lately I can't seem to get the image of my husband out of my mind - how I found him.  It seems like it's more vivid than normal and it's driving me nuts.  Having it pop into my head is really distracting when I have responsibilities. 

Comment by Suse on April 24, 2016 at 6:56pm
This is my first post - I joined a couple hours ago. My husband died 14 months ago, after years of illness.
I didn't expect to post for awhile, but I read the comment by
Kayel about your losing your motivation.

I don't know about you, and my past 14 months may not be relevant to your situation. But,
I am so grateful that I was able to just not do so many things. My head seems to have resided in a space apart, and I could spend hours doing things like weeding the moss garden, one microscopic weed at a time. I think I went into a meditative state, a resting state and a healing place. I was so exhausted after years of care taking and working as a hospital nurse.
And now I am hiking and reading and cooking and. And. And And still having intense moments of grief but also longer moments of feeling safe and alive.
I expect my own motivation was to listen and to wait until the pieces fell back into alignment.
I even remember telling my granddaughter that my brain must have fallen out. She suggested that I wash it off, pop it back in, and get a better zipper for my head. It was a silly exchange but 'my brain falling out', Pretty much describes how I felt.
Comment by Mary H on April 23, 2016 at 1:13pm

Yesterday I realized that a small thought had crept into my mind, "I am still here," and that it was sitting in the place where "I would welcome death" usually resides.  When I lost my husband, I almost lost myself too, but I am still here.  I don't know how I got my head above water, and I'd say, there's nothing but water all around, no land in sight, but still...  15 months of thinking every day that I wanted to die, and now I can breath again.  At least for now.

Comment by deaf widow on April 23, 2016 at 11:58am

My hubby's BSA bike was sold.  Now I am feeling very sad.  He loved his motorcycle and now it's gone.  An empty space.  An empty home.  The bike was rusting on my patio and I needed money to eventually be able to purchase a cheap car.  Now all I can do is stare at the empty space with empty dreams.  It hit me so hard that my hubby is gone.  This is a very sad day.

Comment by FitFLNana (Thelma) on April 20, 2016 at 3:05pm

Hope - this is a slow process and we are all different.  These are my feelings though.  I'm at 14 months now - and am realizing that I feel much better when I can look for others to help!  Anything - a note - a smile - whatever need you see that you can meet.  It comes back around too!  I had a friend call me last weekend and she was at a store and wanted to purchase an outdoor patio rocker and she couldn't fit it in her car.  She asked if I would mind coming to the store to pick it up.  So, of course, I did.  She was so appreciative, but it wasn't a big deal.  Same weekend - I was frustrated trying to figure out how to fix a leaking toilet - posted a question on Facebook, and a friend's husband called and came over and fixed my toilet!  It has been so very difficult for me to ask for help since my husband died - and this man was so kind to volunteer!  He said "no big deal, just took a few minutes" - but to me - it was a big deal.  I feel that since I am still here - God is not finished with me yet.  So, I am always on the lookout for what I can do to help someone else.  Eventually, I think God will show me what the next chapter of my life is going to be - but for now - I am just doing the best I can as each day comes.  I strive to find joy wherever I can because I believe we are to have a deep abiding joy - even while experiencing this grief.  I can look into my grandsons precious blue eyes and feel that joy!  I choose to dwell on the positive and limit the times I allow myself to be sad.  I am striving to celebrate the life I shared with my husband of 30 years - someone else on here shared that as their goal for the 2nd year, and I have adopted it as well.  Maybe something will help you as well.


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