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Widowed in 2015

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Latest Activity: Mar 10

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Comment by Terry on May 16, 2016 at 5:47am

Nardly, I hope you were able to experience some peace yesterday as you had to mark the one year passing of your wife.  For me, I found that once I got through the first year, things began to seem a little brighter and each day wasn't filled with as much dread as before.  Reading the last sentence of your post really struck me.  I have often thought that if I could just die, then I could be with Anne again.  Coincidentally, in my assignment this week for my palliative care certificate, one of the questions is 'How do you feel you would react if you just found out you had a terminal illness?'  I have been asking myself, do I answer it truthfully?  My gut reaction is that I would think yahoo!  I am on my way Anne.  That would probably freak out the professor and fellow students as that is not the reaction they would be expecting.  Or, I could give them the answer they want and say the usual 'shock, disbelief and all that stuff'.  It will be interesting when I sit down to write it which direction I go with it.  Take care Nardly.

Comment by Mary H on May 15, 2016 at 5:01pm

My heart goes out to you on this difficult day Nardly.  I was so anxious going up to the day, it can mess with your head, to know that its been a year.  It makes you look ahead and think, if I am so little better at a year, will the rest of my life be nothing but suffering and sorrow?

Comment by Hopeful30 on May 15, 2016 at 3:01pm
Hugs and prayers go out to you on this difficult day Nardly.
Comment by Nardly on May 15, 2016 at 12:22pm

Well today at 1:08 pm it was one year since my wife and best friend Van died. Like all of you I miss my love every day, pray and talk to her everyday. She was the one who brought my mother and I back together. She suffered a lot in the last couple years with her ALS. Yet she would not want to be a bother, did not want pity. I miss her so much today, I know some of you feel so badly for not being there when your love passed away. It's a double edge sword. I'll never forget holding her hand, watching her face as she would take a breath, then after a while another. More time between them. Her eyes staring at the ceiling. Her two sisters and two daughters and I were there when she took her last gasps of air. her daughter screaming no, no, don't go. Her sisters holding hands saying the Rosary in her last few minutes. Her daughters crying. And I was selfish. I was angry because I wanted her to myself. To hold her. to keep her from leaving.  I don't know if she was aware of us or not. Every day I see this. I know I'm rambling but I would do it over again so she would not be alone. I so look forward to death now so I can join her. 

Comment by Mary H on May 15, 2016 at 12:06pm

Thanks deaf widow, it helps to know there are people who understand.

Comment by deaf widow on May 15, 2016 at 10:24am

Go easy on yourself, Mary H. It takes time to become a "new" you.  You're only human, you know.  I believe your Aunt is right.  Now..."Take a deep breath".  Also, you might be surprised to find out that you are not the only one on the "sharp end of the stick".  There maybe others that family fusses about, you just never know.  Be sure not to ask 'em!  LOL 

Comment by Mary H on May 15, 2016 at 9:55am

Well, I dared to open the email, I was afraid, but she was nice as always.  She told me that I should take a deep breath and be as nice as I can be for the children's sake, and that I need to accept the mother and the stepmother "warts and all."  You know, I am super relieved she didn't take a stronger stand against me, but I am left thinking, why am I always the one who has to be on the sharp end of the stick?  Someone was talking about metaphors a bit back, and I think, this is another one.  Why does it have to be me?  I don't want to be that person anymore, I am calling enough in my own life.  The only problem is, I don't quite know how to handle the new me yet.

Comment by deaf widow on May 15, 2016 at 3:48am

You have suffered a great loss, Mary H.  You are still under a lot of pressure trying to raise children without your hubby.  Any feelings of being hurt by family/friends will be magnified @this time.  If it were me, I would try to back off from reacting to this family. Remember ... "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything"?  Maybe time will fix it.  I would go for a walk or maybe take the kids on a something you enjoy!  Please go easy on yourself.  You are a great Mom!!!!!  Am sending you and your kids lots of (((HUGS)))!

Comment by Mary H on May 14, 2016 at 4:26pm

I feel like I am doing better, because I am doing better relatively, but I have some trouble with handling the little extra things.  Its as if I have handled and am handling so much that I don't have any tolerance for those things people do who make it worse.  My friends will say to me, "that's the last thing you need," and I have begun to try to accept the trials with grace, saying, "there is no mathematical formula that says, you have been through so much, you don't have to deal with anything else," or, "just because you've been through something very bad doesn't mean life stops coming at you."  An example, the way I have been treated by my husbands family.  Now, I can take whatever, as long as they leave me alone, but I cannot tolerate them hurting my children. I told my husband's stepmother to stop talking smack about me behind my back, and now my youngests' 12th birthday has come and gone without the usual birthday card with $40 in it for her, and I had to watch her checking the mailbox everyday and finding nothing which breaks my heart.  I emailed on the day to say nothing came in case they had forgotten or something had come up, but got no reply.  That was a week ago.  Yesterday I wound up writing my husband's father's sister to ask her to talk to him about not hurting my children by disappearing on them and I didn't hold back with how I feel.  I realized this is starting to b a pattern with me, of snapping when confronted with unnecessary unkindness,  and, so okay, I've called them out on their behavior in a way they don't like, but Enough is Enough!  My husband's parents, and all of the aunts and uncles are all still alive and active and all have their spouses and all are comfortable, and I haven't asked them for anything except to Stop Being Awful Already, and now I have a reply from the Aunt, who I loved and was always so nice, and I am afraid to open it and read it because I am afraid that she is going to turn on me too.  I thought I'd write in for a little support, and I might open the email and read it tomorrow.  I am trying to strengthen myself to forgive myself for not handling everything perfectly, and am hoping the email will be understanding and kind.  I have just lost my expectation of kindness.

Comment by deaf widow on May 14, 2016 at 4:26pm

I have a friend in California who has cancer and is receiving chemo treatments. Today she emailed me and said she wants to end her life because she is tired of being sick.  I told her I understood her pain but to try to stay alive for her husband.  I wouldn't wish this journey on my worst enemy.  Being a widow/widower is not good, you know?  Why, why, WHY can't they find a cure for cancer!!!!??!!  This sucks!


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