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Widowed in 2016

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Members: 240
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Discussion Forum

Our Loved Ones Birthday....

Started by spiritual dragonfly (Linda). Last reply by Susan Nov 29. 10 Replies

Today is Jims 66th Birthday....he passed on October 14, 2016., so my journey right now is dealing with all the firsts. Was wondering how y'all have dealt with you loved ones birthdays? I wrote a poem…Continue

How do you turn a 2 person life into a 1 person life?

Started by Riley. Last reply by Susan Nov 26. 40 Replies

Loneliness is eating away at me.  I'm not lonely for other people around me.  I'm lonely for my husband that died.  How do you turn a 2 person life into a one person life?  I sit in this house and…Continue

I hardly ever cry

Started by MonstersKitten. Last reply by Susan Nov 25. 36 Replies

I've noticed from reading other posts that I don't appear to be having as difficult a time as others. Does anyone else get this kind of feeling, like you're not reacting in what appears to be a…Continue

How do you feel about your grown children's way of dealing with death

Started by Riley. Last reply by Tate2701 Nov 19. 1 Reply

Hi all, I have two daughters.  They are both married and have children.  Does it bother you that your grown children seem to handle the death of their father so differently.  I guess kids expect…Continue

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Comment by Athena53 on May 17, 2017 at 9:55am

I've been doing a decent job of clearing out DH's things- donating some, pitching some, selling on e-Bay, sending some to family and keeping those with sentimental value.  This past week, though, I did a major pass through the house in preparation for the neighborhood garage sale this weekend. I realized how many things fell into the category of too valuable to put out as Free Stuff on Craigslist but not worth selling on e-Bay.

So, I had to face decisions on things I'd been ignoring up to now.  Getting rid of the printer in what was DH's office- I have a wireless one up and running.  There was something so symbolic about unplugging it.  I'm selling his power saw, the electronic clippers I used to cut his hair, and an antique heater (not even sure how it's fuelled) that never did find a place after we moved 2 years ago.  Between the two of us we had way more screwdrivers and wrenches than one person needs, so I'm keeping the good ones and putting out the duplicates. 

I'm a practical person- I'd rather have something go to someone who will use it rather than have it in boxes in the basement, and the money will help the travel budget (DH would approve) but it's weird seeing so much of our past put out for a garage sale!

Comment by catapan on May 13, 2017 at 11:06am

Hi, Lostmyeverything:  how lovely for you  that he was there.   I tell Stuart every night, as I'm settling down to sleep, that I want him here in my dreams but since I don't remember my dreams, I can't know if he's around or not.   I therefore assume he is!

Mother's Day is not an immovable feast.   If it's hard for you, tomorrow, just think that it is NOT Mother's Day here in the UK, it's just an ordinary Sunday;  so pretend you're here, instead.

Comment by Lostmyeverything on May 13, 2017 at 9:53am
This morning he was in my dreams. 5 minutes before my alarm went off, he got out of bed, turned to me and said c'mon hunny, it's time to wake up. He was smiling and healthy looking, breathing normal. I woke up after he said that. Glanced over at the alarm clock he used to jump up and turn off every morning.... looking for him, forgetting that he is no longer with us. My muscles grew heavy, the sadness consumed me. Now, as I sit here alone, I wonder if he popped up in my dream because it is Mothers Day tomorrow?
Comment by Athena53 on May 10, 2017 at 3:18pm

I live in the Midwest and it's just now starting to get warm and sunny on a regular basis.  I had another of those  "aha" moments about things I could change this week when I realized I hadn't turned on the A/C yet. DH's health issues meant that he couldn't tolerate heat or cold- he'd get chills, which would lead to agonizing itching attacks, so we had precious few days when we didn't have the heat or the A/C on.  I'm different- I tolerate heat pretty well.  I've started opening the windows, which I can do because the bedroom faces a quiet lake and the windows are so far up (this is the back of the house and it's built into a hillside)  that a burglar would need a gigantic ladder to climb in.  It got a little warm last night and I turned on the ceiling fans, which was all I needed.  Now I have fresh air throughout the house and I wake up to birds (well, sometimes Canada geese) and fall asleep to peepers and bullfrogs. I'm looking forward to seeing the electric bill!

Comment by catapan on May 2, 2017 at 12:56pm

Thank you Nance63;  I'm home now, snuggled in bed (it's c-c-c-c-cold out there) with one of my cats curled up beside me.   

I did it.    I did what I'd hope I'd do.    Chris, one of Stuart's longest friends and a bit of a hero climber (made a lot of noted  "First Ascents" in his younger days) led me up a route I know - and NOT one that I've ever soloed, so seconding on someone's rope was quite the norm.

I am proud of myself.    I recognised moves on the route that, on every previous occasion, I'd felt a little unsure, so feeling unsure this time was normal.    I got to the point where I have ALWAYS hesitated - and yes, I hesitated this time as well but, amazingly, for less time than has often been the case.    I did not fall apart.  I did not weep all the way up the route.   And I quit while I was ahead;   I'd said "One route" and I'd chosen that route - and I'd done it.

I very much appreciate your support.    You show great understanding;  I hope you are showing as much kindness and understanding to yourself as you are to me.    You come through as a strong person.

I have been reading some posts from the What's Your Grief site and this one - here's the link

backs up a lot of your kind and sensible words about this crazy journey we're all on.    Maybe you will choose to make some time to read it, for yourself.

Tomorrow will be my first day back at "work", at the Outdoor Education Centre where I have been a voluntary assistant instructor for getting on for ten years, and where Stuart worked (for money!)   We rarely actually worked together, as a team, by choice, so I have my own identity there.    I KNOW I can do this.    I know I am ready to pick up this work again and it feels totally different from what I think I know, what I know I feel about rock-climbing.   I also know that there are colleagues waiting for me there, waiting to support me should I need it, ready to let me take things easy, should that need to happen;  and it might but, in fact, I know I can do this.

So I will tell you, when I have done it

Thank you, again, for your caring support.    .

Comment by Nance63 on May 2, 2017 at 8:33am

catapan,  PLEASE do not be so hard on yourself.  First of all, you are NOT the same person you were. You are a shattered, injured version of yourself, and you are still needing to heal and regroup. It's not a sudden healing, it's a slow, jagged process.

You thought you were ready to jump back into your life, and try.  You did try and you were successful in taking that step. But you also were wise to know your limit. And perhaps you are not ready to try that again just yet, and your body is more aware of that than your brain is. 

You need to reach a more secure, stable plateau. Maybe find a baby step that you can take first, to build up your emotional muscle?  and allow yourself the time you are needing, forgive yourself for not being there yet. Don't blame yourself or hold yourself accountable in a negative way. 

You and I are very different, but your posts always resonate with me. I'm not sure why. There is almost nothing about us that is similar, except your way of describing your feelings.  I am a stranger to myself also. I liken it to myself having undergone an earthquake, which has fractured me and changed my very identity. I need still to come to terms with who I am, now... now that life has changed me so.

As for me, that is throwing my perspective into a very grey, dismal place, but I am aware of it and I am working gently with myself to try to go through it and hope for a brighter outlook one of these days...  I am a piece of unfinished pottery that has been smashed or smooshed and will not turn out to be what I started out as, but I will be refined and be something, in time...

Comment by catapan on May 2, 2017 at 7:50am

Tuesday evenings, during "the season", is when our mountaineering club meets to climb on local outcrops.     Today's Tuesday.

At the beginning of the the outdoor season, I went along - found someone willing to help me try to climb again - and sobbed my way up the first route, climbing very ineptly;  and struggled and wept less up the second;  and quit while I was ahead, didn't do a third; and hiked the two miles back to my car, alone, not always crying.

There have been circumstances that have intervened and I haven't been on the rock on a Tuesday evening since.    I don't even try to wonder if I've allowed the circumstances to intervene, very conveniently.    Suffice it to say that I haven't climbed.   This can't go on.

This evening, a friend is to meet me at the outcrop crag.    I have got a blast of IBS - or is it food poisoning?   What have I done to myself?    What psychosomatic excuse am I giving myself this time?  I have made it possible for me to cry off from this evening;  again.    But climbing is one of the things I have done and that has been part of who I am for the last 42 years - thirty of them with Stuart at the other end of my rope.   

I WANT to be able to do it again.     I know I am going to get ready, pack my rucksack, drive out there, walk up to the crag - maybe crying all the way.    But I am going.    And I am so scared.   I can't find the person I was for most of my adult life;  I'm a stranger to me.     Can someone please hold my hand.

Comment by happylilycat on May 2, 2017 at 4:39am

I am donating some of Morris' dress clothes to the Viet Nam Veterans organization in my area.  In my search for additional clothes I found a "sick boy" t shirt, which is from Sick Boy Motorcycles in Laconia, NH, among other locations.  It made me laugh a little, which was nice, because he always cut the arms off his t-shirts because his arms were just so big.  Even at age 63 he was solid as a rock.  My man, my love, my baby boy, which is what I used to call him.  What a gentle, golden heart he had, despite his terrible experience as a sniper in Viet Nam, and all his other trauma.  I miss you, my Sick Boy.  What a wicked sense of humor you had! You could make me laugh like no one else on Earth.  I love you and I miss you, baby boy.  Rest in peace until I see you again. 

Comment by happylilycat on May 1, 2017 at 3:15pm

Amy, I'm glad you have some help!  Big hugs and love. AJB

Comment by daringtoday on May 1, 2017 at 3:12pm

Alison, thanks for your good wishes. A broken leg is a piece of cake compared to bereavement, honestly. I do miss Loren more keenly -- it is so hard grasping that I will never see him again. I am fortunate that my son is here to help and that my friends have provided a lot of help. Hang in there! Amy


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