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Widowed in 2017

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Members: 156
Latest Activity: yesterday

Discussion Forum

Making new friends

Started by Mike. Last reply by SweetMelissa2007 Apr 19. 20 Replies

I read a lot about people who have a great support group of family and friends. But my wife was my best friend and my family is far away. So my support group is digital, either online or on the…Continue

A Ton of Bricks

Started by Shoosie2. Last reply by HelensRay Apr 18. 5 Replies

Hi everyoneTomorrow is the 4 1/2 month mark that my Rick left his 'earth-suit' , and it's just really hitting me hard that my Rick won't ever be back. Ever. I tried to get that through my mind and…Continue

Has Anyone had any 'Strange' things happen in your house since your spouse passed?

Started by Shoosie2. Last reply by SweetMelissa2007 Apr 17. 12 Replies

Good Morning EveryoneI haven't had much of a chance to post anything recently, but I do read everything. I just had to ask this question. Two days after my Rick passed, December 20, 2017, I was…Continue

ANC service on Feb 28 was beyond words

Started by InsideLove. Last reply by Rainy (Misty) Mar 8. 2 Replies

Marty’s Arlington National Cemetery service exceeds words, just as my grief for my missing him every day no words seem to be enough.We had 40+ family and friends in attendance. I hired a photographer…Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by Carmen513 on March 17, 2018 at 8:04pm
Hi Mike,
Thanks so much for posting . I am so sorry for your loss.
It echoes everything so familiar to me (unfortunately)
This thing called grief sucks, of course I knew it would, but I didnt relis=
e that some days Id be hanging on by my fingernails and other days Id wonde=
r why I had!I guess its instinctive to want to survive, which is why for me=
at the 3mth month I felt like I was treading water in a deep ocean for a w=
hile there.My instinct to survive battled with my heart grieving for its so=
ulmate!
On the outside I appeared to be "coping". On the inside I felt like a ragin=
g hot mess with anxiety/sleeping problems.
Month 7 and I still miss my man like crazy,yet the storm has calmed or Ive =
become a better swimmer ( a bit of both) I think lol.=20
The truth is I will miss him til the day I die. And we will grieve for many=
things,past,current and future. The focus of my life ie future, has lost f=
ocus. My leading man has gone on ahead as we all shall someday too.
For now, all we really have is the day we are in anyway,so I am just gonna =
do today...
Everyday our loved ones keep loving,guiding,cheering us on..so I do it for =
him,until I can do it for myself.
May God bless you both Mike
Comment by NancyD on March 17, 2018 at 5:40pm

Thank you ShirleyB.  My husband died six months ago and I can feel a shift towards the kind of thinking and feeling you describe so well.  I too want to "maybe start doing 'things again' ".  What might that look like? I am trying to figure out what kind of life I want to lead going forward, how I want "to be in the world".  It's overwhelming to even think about sometimes.  I had retired two and a half years ago and shortly after that---before I had time to start experiencing life without a full-time job---Frank was diagnosed with stomach cancer.  I loved and took care of him for 14 months. I'm grateful that I could and did, but now I'm sort of stunned with what I don't have:  a husband, a career, a plan for a life. I've taken on a small volunteer position two mornings a week.  It gets me up and dressed and out of the house.  That's a good thing!   But it's not something I want to do longterm.  I just can't figure out what I DO want to do yet.  Whatever it turns out to be, I want it to be meaningful and I want to include inside me all the love I still have, and will always have, for him.

The grief, like so many folks here describe, comes in waves and just knocks me down.  The waves are further apart now, though, and I hold onto to that as a sign of hope.  I am also learning what sorts of things can make me feel worse and I try to avoid them.  Like reading sad books or watching scary movies at night. Taking charge of my life in little ways like monitoring how things affect me is helpful.  Expressing gratitude for what I DO have is helpful. Not giving in to the despair and simply "putting myself to bed" when I'm tired and cranky is good too. Such simple actions, but I think they are helping to move me forward. 

 

Comment by Melissa on March 17, 2018 at 12:34pm

Thank you so much, ShirleyB. You give me hope. It's been four months for me, and until I read your post I haven't seen much hope. Now I think there might be something to look forward to. I'm so grateful to you.

Comment by hazydays on March 17, 2018 at 10:21am

ShirleyB. I loved your post and your words completely echo my feelings. What happened, how we got from there to here and whats to come....all of it. Similar timing to me also. 10 months yesterday for me. 

Comment by ShirleyB on March 17, 2018 at 10:13am

It's hard.  It's harder some days than others but it's still hard.  We are here, alive and well, living our days, doing our thing...and our people are not here with us.  I lost John about 10 months ago.  I quit my job shortly before I lost him.  My son left for college 3 months after he died.  My life was flipped around and turned over sideways and continued rolling down a huge hill before it came to a stop at the very bottom.  Where I sat and existed for a few months.  Going through the motions and thinking things like why me or why my family?  Can he still feel and hear me even though he's gone?  Is he "sad" he is missing his children grow up, his son graduate high school and go off to college, his daughter learning to drive, dance her first competitive solo etc etc?  And then about 4-5 months in for me I started wanting to maybe try "doing" some things again.  So I started volunteering in a couple of different capacities.  I looked back to what I enjoyed doing before I became a wife and a mother with a full time job and a crazy schedule.  And I slowly started taking a couple things on. I took my daughter on a trip- our first without the "boys."  We made our way through John's birthday in October, Thanksgiving and then Christmas....and then I was just sad for a couple weeks. That was a lot to go through not having him here with us.  And then I slowly started to feel a bit better.  In February I walked into a little indy coffee shop, chatted with the owner for what seemed like hours, and was offered a job there.  I only wanted something very part time and I just started that a week or so ago. I took the kids bowling with some friends last night- something we hadn't done in years and years. I'm enjoying the snow melting here in MN and looking forward to Spring. I'm looking forward to potting my flowers, moving my boy back home for the Summer, enjoying spending time with friends and family. I want to live. I want to be happy. And I so know John would want that for me too.  Do I miss him?  You bet.  Every day. He was the absolute love of my life and my best friend.  Just writing that made me tear up.  Do I cry still?  Every day.  But I find as I grieve his loss that the waves that come and go now are shorter.  I am sad for minutes instead of hours and days.  I still have bad days though- but they are less- like one every week or two instead of every day multiple days in a row. I truly believe we all grieve differently.  It will take some of us longer to be able to move forward- not forget- NEVER forget- just move forward.  But I truly feel we can all move forward.  And the intense grief may last longer for some of us than others.  And all of this is ok.  But I do believe we can all find happiness and joy again.  Baby steps. I remember the first time I laughed out loud after John died- FOR REAL- not a fake laugh, and I thought wow- like I never thought I'd be able to do that again. And I felt that John was there and smiling and happy to see me find that brief moment of joy.  He is always with me.  We were together since we were in our early 20's. He has helped shape and mold me into the person I am today. I am proud to be who I am because I know a part of John is part of me and always will be.  Allow yourself time.  There is no right or wrong amount of it.  Allow yourself to cry...I really honestly feel this helps. I always find after I cry- that I do indeed feel better afterwards.  Like I am able to get some of the ick out.  Take care of yourself the best you can. Try and eat decently, get enough sleep, exercise if possible....taking care of you is totally ok and a must do.  Allow a little happy to come into your life...a beautiful flower, song, a laugh at something funny. It will get easier. Always there, but easier.

Comment by Gunnerx2 (Carol) on March 17, 2018 at 8:48am

Mike, I feel as if I wrote your post.  I go on day after day and even manage to smile and people think everything is good.  "Oh you look so much better".  I don't want to look better, I feel guilty when people say that. I still feel like a shell and wonder how much longer I have to live so that the pain will finally go away.  I get no joy or pleasure out of life anymore.  I'm alive, I'm not going to kill myself, but I am not "living" if you know what I mean.  I had to go out shopping this morning and halfway through my errands I just had to come home.  I could not go to one more place with this stupid smile on my face.   Carol

Comment by Shoosie2 on March 17, 2018 at 6:58am

Hi Mike

I'm sorry we are all going through this. I think you and I are a the same timeline- 3 months out. As far as finding something that give a tiny bit of meaning. I have thought about the thinks my Rick used to love doing. While there are some things I can't do, tech stuff and mechanical things, I have found that doing some things I can that he appreciated helps. He never was into gardening, but absolutely loved walking through the flower gardens I put in and maintained. He loved mowing the yard, and would then proudly state 'Our park is up and open again'. He loved to brew his own beer- that I can't do. He loved to joke around and play with our dogs. So I have made it a point, weather permitting, to not just feed the dogs and go through the motions, but play with them. I can feel some of gloom lift when I do things that he loved. I talk to him, while I'm doing them. It's just a thought, but anything that can help you, give it a try. Yes, I have to force myself to do some of them, but afterwards, I find a bit of peace.  For what it's worth.  Everyone, try to find some peace today.

Shoosie2

Comment by Mike on March 17, 2018 at 6:24am

Ok so I’m starting to journal again temporarily, maybe. I had stopped for a while. It’s just that all the  entries sound the same:

I miss her. 

I can’t find anything I really want to do. 

Everything seems pointless. 

I’m lonely and unhappy.  

I have no one to confide in. I miss that a lot.  I could talk to her and tell her things I can’t tell anyone else. She would listen and give me good advice.

Yes I’ve managed to get on with a  lot of things. What good is that if I’m lonely and unhappy all the time?  I get up and take a shower and shave and go to work and go shopping and do the finances and do laundry and clean house and eat  but so what! What is the point?! How long is this going to hurt and how long do I have to cry? This is the worst thing that could ever happen to me.

I know everyone on this site is suffering. Some worse than me. No offense but it doesn’t make me feel better that others are suffering too.  It usually makes me feel worse that so many people are going through this. 

I know it’s only been about three months and it’s not going away soon but it’s so lonely. 

Did I say that already? 

I have tried finding things to be grateful for each day but it seems forced. 

Ok. There, I said it. 

Comment by Gunnerx2 (Carol) on March 16, 2018 at 3:14pm

I think that is beautiful.  Melissa, you are right it brings comfort.  Ray your Helen is with you all the time now.  Over our 30 years we bought new rings every 10 years (long story why).  Sometimes I wear all three of my rings stacked together.

Comment by Melissa on March 16, 2018 at 12:51pm

I tried to take my wedding ring off, but I needed it. When I put it back on, I felt so much better. Like Gilbert was a little bit closer. I wear his wedding ring on my middle finger. It's very heavy, so it's a constant presence. I think everybody has to do what feels right to them.

I just wish us all some peace from this horrible pain.

 

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