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Widowed in 2017

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We are grateful you found us so soon after your loss, but until this group grows please feel free to also join the Widowed in 2016 group. There are active conversations there with others in their first year of loss.

Members: 90
Latest Activity: 13 hours ago

Discussion Forum

Its Official

Started by HelensRay. Last reply by HelensRay yesterday. 4 Replies

Its official I just hate hate hate hate this life without my Helen.  Cancer snatched Helen from me 30th June and I thought I was doing OK, but every day is getting so more wearisome.  I go out, I…Continue

How am I supposed to even begin to prepare for Christmas?

Started by Tania. Last reply by Tania on Friday. 3 Replies

The holiday season is lurking - growing closer every day. It's supposed to be a joyous time with family and friends. It's not even Halloween and already items are on display. Christmas in July was…Continue

How to Introduce Myself

Started by Pearlinden. Last reply by BelovedPeach Nov 2. 1 Reply

I moved to my old hometown a few months ago, after a long absence.  I'm generally an outgoing person, before all the dark grief.  People are very friendly here.  Up until recently I responded…Continue

Sadness

Started by Kimmy. Last reply by Malgosia Oct 31. 12 Replies

Hi my husband Owen passed away 10 days ago. His battle with cancer finally ended. This overwhelming sadness is gut wrenching

Comment Wall

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Comment by NancyD on October 31, 2017 at 3:52pm

ShirleyB, you are right.  I'm not judging anybody's sh*t here but the saga continued today and I still don't have my money.  The bank guy just called me to tell me I should come in again tomorrow to finalize the process of closing the checking account and he asked me AGAIN if I would like to just keep the account in my name rather than close it.  My husband Frank too worked for this same bank years ago as a trust officer so the irony does not escape me!  :)   He always  said that banks have only two things to sell you: safety and service.  I try to be grateful that my money is safe today !  If I were a comedian I think I could do a funny sketch about this!  It would feature my husband in heaven looking down on the situation and trying to pull strings to make it work smoothly.  Oh well.

Also, like InsideLove said, some of these "adventures" have gone very smoothly and for me too the Social Security office has been great.  Go figure.  

I try to do no more than one or two "business" tasks a day; it's a lot to process mentally.  I am slowly making progress toward my goal of simplifying my finances: paying off debt, closing accounts.  When I get it all done, I think it will be a great relief.  I also have many, many more thank you notes to write and I want to get back to doing them. I'm sure folks don't care if they are late (or probably even if they arrive at all!) But it is therapeutic for me to write personal notes to people to thank them for the kindnesses they showed us.  It makes me cry but they are healing tears rather than tears of frustration.  

Comment by ShirleyB on October 31, 2017 at 11:54am

I am just over 5 months out now from losing my husband, John. He was 49 when he died leaving me a 46 year old widow.  I just "recognized" both his 50th and my 47th birthdays this month. The BS about getting through all the "firsts" is exactly that as far as I'm concerned.  Fathers Day without my kid's father here...is ALWAYS going to suck. So are other monumental days.  I'm learning this as I go as initially I was told if I could get through that first year...yes- so many out there have their own opinions of how and when I should grieve.  Amazingly they have never been through anything like I'm going through.  Not to say they haven't experienced loss- just not my kind of loss. The loss of the love of your life and being left now with basically a second "lifetime" to live without him here.  I will say though that as a society we are not taught how to deal with death, dying or grief.  So I take it with a grain of salt when people either say or do the wrong thing or say or do nothing at all. I get it. They simply have no clue.  This also goes with all the calls we have to make to change or close things out or to remove our spouses name off of something etc.  They have no idea half the time how to deal with us.  But I get it. I wait patiently because ultimately they are going to get it done (Or this has been my case anyway), and I try to be understanding knowing that they are leaning how to deal with something new on their end, and that I'm sure they are uncomfortable dealing with the new widow on my end...and to be honest- who knows what things are going on in their own lives that we don't know about? Everybody has sh*t so who are we to judge anyone else right?  Most often I find people are wanting to be helpful and simply don't know how. Me getting ticked at them doesn't help.  Somebody mentioned Wells Fargo and what a pain it was dealing with accounts.  My husband worked for Wells Fargo and Wells Fargo has been soooo incredibly good to me and my kids. They have been extremely accommodating and have gone out of their way to make sure all is done correctly and done well. There is sooo much paperwork to deal with when someone passes away too, so many calls to make and accounts to change and close etc. The whole process can be overwhelming.  But I take things day by day.  I try to make a point to find happiness in my day as well- something good. Something to keep me moving forward.  We will never forget.  But I take this opportunity to recognize that John has helped shape me into the person I am today.  And by god I am going to keep moving forward to make him proud and to live the life that he no longer has the chance to.  It's hard EVERY day.  I cry EVERY day.  But I'm living too. I wish the same for all of us. My heart goes out to all of you who belong to this club none of of us ever wanted to be a part of.

Comment by SoundOfSilence on October 31, 2017 at 10:19am

I have had so many of these issues and I have now found that I just have to ask for managers at all times, not that it is a sure thing you will get someone good but after the last few weeks of literally getting bounced around on everything I have come to that conclusion. It is so hard when you are so overwhelmed and yet again there is no support. I have spoke to Toyota 5 times about his RAV 4 since he died, a week and a half ago I told them I was going to voluntarily return it and was told I would it a call in 3 days or so to arrange it, when I asked what did "or so" mean there was no answer, this morning I still had not heard from them so I called again and was told they had no record of my call and that she could start that process for me if I liked, I said no I need to speak to a manager. Once he got on the phone I found out I could take it in to any Toyota dealership and drop it off so I did not have to pay towing costs, I was so grateful to this man but yet so angry because if I had known that I would have dropped off the vehicle weeks ago. Again it just felt unreal, I keep thinking oh how well my husband would help me through this right now but unfortunately that is not my reality and it hurts so bad. 

Comment by Pearlinden on October 31, 2017 at 9:50am

InsideLove, HelensRay, Nancy, and all the rest of us that endure incompetent or at best indifferent treatment:  I wish I had known about this group in the first couple months.  The tip about only doing one thing a day is invaluable, and I have it now.  The impersonal nature of trying to reach an insurance company, bank, spouse's employer (press 1 for this, 2 for that, etc.) and trying to get to the right party, come up with a password, and so on is just so wearing.  I too have wanted to reach into the phone to shake someone, and I'm not proud of dropping the f-bomb out of sheer frustration.  I tried getting an advocate, my sister, even my lawyer, to make those calls, and most times they won't talk to anyone but The Widow.  I try to wait for another day when I'm stronger.  On a positive note, I got the best service of the bunch from American Airlines - nice surprise!

Comment by InsideLove on October 31, 2017 at 8:46am

I'm reading NancyD and HelensRay about some of the gut hitting and heartbreaking ways people approach us in our grief with the tasks and actions we are forced to deal with after we lose our spouse. I don't think it's all from lack of caring. Yes, there are plenty of people I come across who do care, sometimes at the least expected places - try on Social Security office for me! Also, Starbucks (both my husband and I were/are Gold Card members) But sadly the list of people who either don't care or can't show care or compassion are far more in numbers.

Instead, maybe it's more of people do not know what to say, haven't been trained about it in the companies we have to work through the aftermath of everything or haven't had or forgotten they had some experience with grief of some sort, or anything along these lines.

Knowing that sometimes it can be anything I just don't do more than one thing a day. Being a doer (as I suspect many of us are) I wanted to get things done, quickly. But those obstacles of distressing systems, with uncaring or people, sometimes don't have an ounce of understanding the pain at any level. Then, of course, losing my mom just 2 weeks after my husband, I took things down to first gear, only doing 1 task a week for each of them, and 1 thing a week for me.

But more than that I tell people, as you all have, that I lost my husband and mother, adding I need to take this slowly, my brain is mush and what they end up hearing either in person or on the phone is my emotional breakdown. Does this help them? Not always. Does it help me, ALWAYS. I want them to stop the way some people ignore my situation and go about with business as if it is just another issue. But when they don't know their own system, or it's just so complicated to explain or execute, I end up frustrated, angry and just wanting to slap somebody's face.

Here and in my two local support griefs, I know I am experiencing nothing personal. It doesn't make it right. It makes it what it is. Now.

Comment by HelensRay on October 30, 2017 at 9:01pm

Nancy, Its just so bad that we have to go through these hoops.  I did have a few issues when closing accounts but generally no major problems but it all felt a bit impersonal, however there was one occasion it was not and I think it is worth passing it on.  I contacted one of the clothing companies that Helen was a customer to advise them that Helen had passed away and to take her off the mailing list.  The young chap I spoke to was so sympathetic and caring that I emailed the company to say I thought the young man was doing a great job and this is the reply I received:

" Dear Ray

Thank you for contacting BonMarche.
Thank you ever so much for these kind comments as it was me (Ben) who spoken to you, I am very sympathetic as I really want you to look after your self and be careful. Where ever you are sir and when ever you feel sad just remember there are people who care and want the best for you even if they are just strangers.
Please take care.
Kind Regards
Ben
Customer Services "
There are people who care, but perhaps they just don't have the time.  Ray
Comment by NancyD on October 30, 2017 at 5:19pm

45 days.  I am still mostly just SO SAD.  But this afternoon I also felt just plain overwhelmed. Very defeated.  I have been working with Wells Fargo bank to accomplish three things:  close a checking account that was in my husband's name only, close a charge card in both our names, and change the way our mortgage payment is made each month so it will no longer be deducted from the now-defunct checking account.  Well, I spent an hour on the phone with various folks at customer support last Friday and finally gave up, thinking I had at least closed the charge account  I went into the branch office today and surprise!  they had screwed that up, doubling the close out payment I had made over the phone.    And they couldn't figure out exactly what forms, affidavit, etc. needed to be completed to close the bank account and get me a cashier's check for the balance.  It took 90 minutes of my sitting there while the one guy and his manager got on the phone and tried to take care of it..  Bottom line, I'll have to go back again to get the check. Grrrr.   Now intellectually I understand that the problem here is that the folks at customer service on the phone and the bank guy are not well trained:  they didn't know what to do, kept passing the questions off to someone else, etc.  But it just seemed like the universe was conspiring to make me feel bad.  Like it isn't enough to have lost my beloved (who worked with banks all the time and would have been livid at this crappy customer service) I also get to not be able to accomplish the most basic steps to move forward in a financially responsible way. ("Just show me the money!")  I felt like crawling out of there and crawling back to bed.  I know this is all overreaction and grief related---who would want to be taking care of this sort of business anyway?  And I AM tired of doing business that starts with my announcing that I'm a widow and need help to _____ (close this account, change the name, or...fill in the blank).  OK, rant over.  I am going to make myself a cup of tea, watch some stupid TV show, and go to bed.  And be very sad that I'm doing it all alone in a too quiet house.  You know.    

Comment by InsideLove on October 30, 2017 at 11:57am

Pearlinden, this makes me sad. It always gives me a future snapshot. I only am at 2 months, and I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride in The Twilight Zone, if you know that old series. My husband and I used to watch the reruns and remember some instantly and others, not so much. It is THESE times that keep pulling the scab of the raw pain I keep feeling. It comes and goes with no predictability at all. I sob more in the morning and evening since those were our private, fun and intimate times. The day, we each went our own way when home. We always traveled even when we were working full time and now, there is not even that to look forward to. We had October and November all planned out - FL, TX, AZ. I had to cancel everything. Never to look forward to again is how I feel. 

I read about, maybe here, someone saying they would not move out of the way if a piano overhead broke from a rope pulling it up to someone's window. I do know what you say when you say; you want to die but won't take steps.


adoption1964, I've joined 2 grief groups and have a counselor - all of which I am in weekly. In those, and here, and find we all without speaking a word, KNOW what each other feels.


I find it's so much more painful to be in groups (like my church's general bible study) where people are just rolling forward in their own lives as usual. Same complaints, same hangups, same habits. I PRAY to go back to the sameness of my life. Because there is not a normal life. Not even a new normal. I loved what I had. It was terrific; it was comfortable, it was full of love (except when either Marty pissed me off, or I pissed him off.)

I hate this and every feeling it brings with it. I want my life back as it was. I don't believe this BS about a new life. A new normal. Whatever the words are that I hear. There isn't anything that will help me move on from loving my husband of 47 years.


HelensRay, maybe I can be grateful for not having such as stinging, insensitive comment as you are dealing with. But I do either put someone on my DO NOTHING WITH EVER AGAIN list if they want to tell me, what I need. Thankfully I have less people there than on my list of people to BE WITH and DO WITH.

I will say again, I am getting from here, this community, that this is it. The grief, the pain, the sadness. They will be here, maybe less than right now, maybe not. Who knows.

Thank you all for being here. Really. I'm unfortunately glad I found my way here.

Comment by adoption1964 on October 30, 2017 at 11:11am

I am sitting here wondering why don't I feel.  I don't feel joy, I don't feel sadness I just am.  I am going into my 6 month of widowhood and it really really sucks.  I read all of your posts and can totally relate to all of you.  I am at the I just don't understand part.  Am I numb, I don't think so; when I start to talk about him to someone I cry.  I think about him all the time and it is still hard to believe it is real.  I have a counselor.  I walk and work full time.  I try to be social but honestly it is exhausting. Anyone else have these feelings and thoughts.

Comment by Pearlinden on October 30, 2017 at 8:35am

Hello Ray!  Thank heavens for Widow Village for the very reasons you state.  I am being judged on a daily basis by people who just have no idea, or why I'm not where I "should" be in my healing by now!  Is a liquidizer the same as a juicer?  I felt the same guilt when I gave Charlie's juicer to his sister.  At least it still works and she will use it.  Peace to us.  Pat

 

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