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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Widowed in 2017

We're so sorry you have a reason to join us. Please get acquainted here and make friends anywhere on the site.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

We are grateful you found us so soon after your loss, but until this group grows please feel free to also join the Widowed in 2016 group. There are active conversations there with others in their first year of loss.

Members: 138
Latest Activity: on Monday

Discussion Forum

Making new friends

Started by Mike. Last reply by MidnightBear (Tony) Feb 15. 7 Replies

I read a lot about people who have a great support group of family and friends. But my wife was my best friend and my family is far away. So my support group is digital, either online or on the…Continue

Why did this happen?

Started by Mike. Last reply by Clare Feb 15. 14 Replies

Hi,It has been less than two months since my wife died and I have been trying to figure out how/why my wife got a one in a million disease like Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. I keep running it over and…Continue

Dating Again?

Started by Mike. Last reply by Carmen513 Feb 13. 6 Replies

I saw this article and thought I would post it. I make no judgements one way or the other. I am interested in others peoples’ opinions. …Continue

Its Official

Started by HelensRay. Last reply by Clare Feb 11. 11 Replies

Its official I just hate hate hate hate this life without my Helen.  Cancer snatched Helen from me 30th June and I thought I was doing OK, but every day is getting so more wearisome.  I go out, I…Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by NancyD on October 30, 2017 at 5:19pm

45 days.  I am still mostly just SO SAD.  But this afternoon I also felt just plain overwhelmed. Very defeated.  I have been working with Wells Fargo bank to accomplish three things:  close a checking account that was in my husband's name only, close a charge card in both our names, and change the way our mortgage payment is made each month so it will no longer be deducted from the now-defunct checking account.  Well, I spent an hour on the phone with various folks at customer support last Friday and finally gave up, thinking I had at least closed the charge account  I went into the branch office today and surprise!  they had screwed that up, doubling the close out payment I had made over the phone.    And they couldn't figure out exactly what forms, affidavit, etc. needed to be completed to close the bank account and get me a cashier's check for the balance.  It took 90 minutes of my sitting there while the one guy and his manager got on the phone and tried to take care of it..  Bottom line, I'll have to go back again to get the check. Grrrr.   Now intellectually I understand that the problem here is that the folks at customer service on the phone and the bank guy are not well trained:  they didn't know what to do, kept passing the questions off to someone else, etc.  But it just seemed like the universe was conspiring to make me feel bad.  Like it isn't enough to have lost my beloved (who worked with banks all the time and would have been livid at this crappy customer service) I also get to not be able to accomplish the most basic steps to move forward in a financially responsible way. ("Just show me the money!")  I felt like crawling out of there and crawling back to bed.  I know this is all overreaction and grief related---who would want to be taking care of this sort of business anyway?  And I AM tired of doing business that starts with my announcing that I'm a widow and need help to _____ (close this account, change the name, or...fill in the blank).  OK, rant over.  I am going to make myself a cup of tea, watch some stupid TV show, and go to bed.  And be very sad that I'm doing it all alone in a too quiet house.  You know.    

Comment by InsideLove on October 30, 2017 at 11:57am

Pearlinden, this makes me sad. It always gives me a future snapshot. I only am at 2 months, and I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride in The Twilight Zone, if you know that old series. My husband and I used to watch the reruns and remember some instantly and others, not so much. It is THESE times that keep pulling the scab of the raw pain I keep feeling. It comes and goes with no predictability at all. I sob more in the morning and evening since those were our private, fun and intimate times. The day, we each went our own way when home. We always traveled even when we were working full time and now, there is not even that to look forward to. We had October and November all planned out - FL, TX, AZ. I had to cancel everything. Never to look forward to again is how I feel. 

I read about, maybe here, someone saying they would not move out of the way if a piano overhead broke from a rope pulling it up to someone's window. I do know what you say when you say; you want to die but won't take steps.


adoption1964, I've joined 2 grief groups and have a counselor - all of which I am in weekly. In those, and here, and find we all without speaking a word, KNOW what each other feels.


I find it's so much more painful to be in groups (like my church's general bible study) where people are just rolling forward in their own lives as usual. Same complaints, same hangups, same habits. I PRAY to go back to the sameness of my life. Because there is not a normal life. Not even a new normal. I loved what I had. It was terrific; it was comfortable, it was full of love (except when either Marty pissed me off, or I pissed him off.)

I hate this and every feeling it brings with it. I want my life back as it was. I don't believe this BS about a new life. A new normal. Whatever the words are that I hear. There isn't anything that will help me move on from loving my husband of 47 years.


HelensRay, maybe I can be grateful for not having such as stinging, insensitive comment as you are dealing with. But I do either put someone on my DO NOTHING WITH EVER AGAIN list if they want to tell me, what I need. Thankfully I have less people there than on my list of people to BE WITH and DO WITH.

I will say again, I am getting from here, this community, that this is it. The grief, the pain, the sadness. They will be here, maybe less than right now, maybe not. Who knows.

Thank you all for being here. Really. I'm unfortunately glad I found my way here.

Comment by adoption1964 (Kim) on October 30, 2017 at 11:11am

I am sitting here wondering why don't I feel.  I don't feel joy, I don't feel sadness I just am.  I am going into my 6 month of widowhood and it really really sucks.  I read all of your posts and can totally relate to all of you.  I am at the I just don't understand part.  Am I numb, I don't think so; when I start to talk about him to someone I cry.  I think about him all the time and it is still hard to believe it is real.  I have a counselor.  I walk and work full time.  I try to be social but honestly it is exhausting. Anyone else have these feelings and thoughts.

Comment by Pearlinden on October 30, 2017 at 8:35am

Hello Ray!  Thank heavens for Widow Village for the very reasons you state.  I am being judged on a daily basis by people who just have no idea, or why I'm not where I "should" be in my healing by now!  Is a liquidizer the same as a juicer?  I felt the same guilt when I gave Charlie's juicer to his sister.  At least it still works and she will use it.  Peace to us.  Pat

Comment by HelensRay on October 30, 2017 at 7:19am

Pearlinden, what I get from Widow village is that I can say where I am at, and everybody here knows exactly where I am (if you get what I mean!!).  I can say things here that if I said in the pub I would get some very strange looks or someone trying to rehabilitate me. I lost my Helen just 4 months ago and just before you posted I was apologizing to her that I was having to throw away her liquidizer because it was broken.  I know what people would say - its just a bloody liquidizer - but it was her liquidizer, the one she used on such a regular basis.  The first time I used it I felt guilty and now I have to throw it away!!.  Ray 

Comment by Pearlinden on October 30, 2017 at 6:40am

Thanks.  I'm just trying to keep a low profile and not open my mouth.  Just smile.  No one wants to hear it, or they try to fix it, wish it were that easy.

Comment by adoption1964 (Kim) on October 30, 2017 at 6:24am

Pearlinden:  I totally get what you are saying.  I am going into my 6 month.  No it is not the same loosing a father, brother, etc.  I too had some tell me at lunch I know about grief I lost my brother.  I just smiled and shined on, while inside I am thinking nope not the same ugh.  I too was told maybe a group, club, cooking classes somewhere where they don't know your sadness.  Gee thanks. I did those things and have been keeping busy.  I think we can only stay busy for so long.  Keep strong and I am thinking of you.

Comment by Pearlinden on October 29, 2017 at 11:58am

OK, it's finally hit me like a ton of bricks.  I just passed the 8 month mark, and thought I was doing OK.  Coasting on adrenaline and busyness I guess.  Reminds me of when I had knee replacement surgery, they put a super local anesthesia in the joint and I thought "that wasn't so bad" - then after a couple days it wore off!  Up to now, that was the worst pain I've ever experienced, but it was only physical.  I never knew I could hurt so bad emotionally, and in body too.  I had a complete breakdown on Tuesday.  Was supposed to fly to California for a friend's husband's memorial (!) and could not even think of getting on a plane.  Just paralyzed with grief, still am.  I don't care if I live or die, but would not take active steps, too scared.  Trying to get out some, in the last two days had someone tell me they know how I feel, they lost their father;  and yeah, they got divorced, it's the same thing.  How can we not strangle stupid people?  I've been told to join groups, book clubs, bible study, volunteer -- yes, I'd do/have done all those things if I had the energy to meet new people.  I'm tired of telling my story, I hate my story because it no longer has Charlie in it.  So looking forward to Camp Widow to be with my tribe.  Thanks for listening.

Comment by Gunnerx2 on October 27, 2017 at 5:07am

Kimmy I know exactly how you feel.  My husband passed in July.  I still sob every day.  Yesterday I finally went to the courthouse to record a quick claim deed to take his name off the deed to the house.  I felt like I was erasing him.  It broke my heart to do that ...

Comment by SoundOfSilence on October 27, 2017 at 4:17am

Thank you InsideLove, hopefully this site will help us all get through this devastating time.

 

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