Today was one of those difficult days. Perhaps it was the weather which was cool and rainy; but I really think it was because I was feeling more lonely today than usual.
I had found some savings bonds that my husband had bought. So I needed to fill forms to cash them and then present the forms with a certified copy of the death certificate. While getting the death certificate I ran across cards/notes that I had received upon his death. That was the trigger. Tears followed, and then the day just went downhill from there.
I know your two year anniversary is approaching, and I am assuming you are still shell shocked. Some days I am fine and things go smoothly. Then a day like today happens and I am feeling blue and abandoned.
I had dinner this evening with long-time friends. Every time they brought up my late husbands name, it was like a knife in my heart reminding me that I would be going home alone, while they were going home as couples. That part I am still trying to process without prejudice.
I keep telling myself that I will never have my old life back and that this is going to be my new life. The sad part is that I don't like this new life.
I know I am rambling, and I apologize for that. I am usually guarded in expressing myself, but I feel as though you as a gay man who lost his husband, understands more about the loss that I am experiencing.
It is late and I need to just turn off the computer and go to sleep.
Hi Craig, Thanks again for your call. It really did mean a lot. I know we can help each other through this. Call me anytime you need to talk. I realized I did not give you advise on picking up Brian's ashes. When you do go have a friend or family member drive you-don't be alone if at all possible. Also, I thought keeping Fred in the bedroom was a good idea, I found out it was actually somewhat strange. The first night I felt very weird so I did talk to him (I have talked to him several times) and let him know he had to stay in the dining room, which is where he'll be until Hawaii and NY. Everything has been good since. I wrote Fred an anniversary card on the 23rd, it is by his urn. Sort of an interesting story. On our first date we took our dogs to the mountains then went to a restaurant called Tasha's Hacienda for dinner. It has long since closed but recently the building opened as a gay bar. The Denver Wrangler moved from their old location to that very building. I knew I had to go on the 23rd, our anniversary. I sat at the bar, had a beer, and remembered our first date in that very same building. I went so far as to text him, I still have his phone activated. I do feel his presence, as I am sure you do Brian's. They're with us. I know we'll both make it through this OK. Life has changed for both of us, and we'll figure out how to deal with that change. I know Fred is never coming home, I just need to learn to accept that. You're in my thoughts, my friend. Take care, and talk to you soon. Dan
Hello Craiger, Thank you so much for reaching out to me. I am so sorry for your lose-I know the pain is unbearable. I know with time that pain will ease-we'll both learn how to deal with our loses. Let's keep in touch. I know we can help each other through this painful time. Yours truly, Dan