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Mary H
  • Female
  • La Jolla, CA
  • United States
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Mary H's Discussions

Faking it to Make it Didn't Work

Started this discussion. Last reply by SweetMelissa2007 Mar 26. 8 Replies

When I hit two years I decided that I was going to stop wasting my life in sorrow and heartbreak.  I decided that I would focus on feeling grateful for the wonderful life I was able to share with an…Continue

What to do when someone's pity talk begins to feel like too much?

Started this discussion. Last reply by Nance63 Feb 6. 12 Replies

I lost my husband almost 2 years ago, and there is a woman who worked with him who cared for him very much and she has made a point of checking in with me regularly and making sure I am okay, and…Continue

Is it easier to decide not to move on?

Started this discussion. Last reply by Lupe's husband Mar 14. 48 Replies

I loved my husband so much, and he was an incredible person.  I knew how lucky I was to have him in my life.  It is so easy now that I have lost him to think that no one could love me as much as he…Continue

Advice on Vacations in the First Year?

Started this discussion. Last reply by Dianne in Nevada May 28, 2015. 22 Replies

I have had several (not widowed) people tell me that I should take my kids on a nice vacation this year, and I thought at first that we should as well, but the problem is that we took so many really…Continue


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Latest Activity

Suzy B replied to Mary H's discussion Dating Again for those Born in the 60s in the group Born in the 60s
"Speaking of scammers, I had a funny experience on facebook.  Once I changed my "status" to "widowed" on there I started getting a LOT of men I didn't know, mostly living or claiming to live on the other side of the…"
Jul 21
Mrs. M. replied to Mary H's discussion Dating Again for those Born in the 60s in the group Born in the 60s
"I will never date again.  That is fine with me as I am still in love with my husband.  I need socialization rather than isolation.  Check your email..."
Jul 12
Erica_D_W replied to Mary H's discussion Dating Again for those Born in the 60s in the group Born in the 60s
"Mrs. M. -- my husband too died suddenly of a massive heart attack in September 2016.  Same thing, no warning.  Just gone after 3 weeks in a coma and on life support. We had just become true empty nesters and were working our last 5-10…"
Jul 12
Tate2701 replied to Mary H's discussion Dating Again for those Born in the 60s in the group Born in the 60s
"I was a long term carer left with strict instructions not to find anyone else after 28 years of marriage, two months short of my 50th birthday.  I think I am going to be able to comply with this; indeed I promised I would.  He was a really…"
Jun 7
happylilycat replied to Mary H's discussion Dating Again for those Born in the 60s in the group Born in the 60s
"I'm at 15 going on 16 months, and I cannot even stomach the idea of dating at my age (I'll be 53 on June 8th)!  I confess, I did try OurTime for a month when I was at the 8 month mark, but I just cruised through it and never replied…"
Jun 1
Mary H replied to Jill's discussion How old were you when your spouse died? How does your age affect your self-concept now that you're on your own?
"NoLongerinBergenJC, I have seen you questioning yourself a little the last couple of months, asking yourself if you are just making excuses, and I wanted to let you know that from my perspective I see you being true to yourself.  I was one of…"
Apr 14
Mary H commented on Soaring Spirits's group Widowed in 2015
"Terry, you are both a brave and a compassionate person, and I wish you the very best on your new journey.  I completely understand what you mean about the emptiness of "things."  We all have to find a way to make life matter to…"
Apr 8
Leslie Dianne replied to Mary H's discussion Dating Again for those Born in the 60s in the group Born in the 60s
"I was 50 years old when my husband of 25 years died suddenly at age 52 on May 10, 2012 of an undiagnosed Pulmonary Embolism. He recently returned from a plane trip, didn't feel well, went to the doctor and was sent home. He was dead less than…"
Apr 6
Mary H commented on Soaring Spirits's group Widowed in 2015
"The book I am reading is Letting Go by David Hawkins.  It's not a widow written book.  I looked at the one you mentioned, and it seems like people really like it.  I've been looking for something else because so many of the…"
Apr 3
Mary H commented on Soaring Spirits's group Widowed in 2015
"Happy belated birthday Hope!  I'm sure it was hard, be we all care about you.  My own birthday is coming in a couple of weeks and I plan to ignore it.  Or maybe to lean in to the pain.  I've made a lot of mistakes…"
Apr 3
KMA2106 replied to Mary H's discussion Dating Again for those Born in the 60s in the group Born in the 60s
"Wow did you sum up my feelings perfect. I'm young enough to still want the intimacy and best friend next to me but was so comfortable where life was that I didn't expect to be here again. When I read and hear different groups I'm not…"
Apr 1
Mary H replied to NoLongerInBergenJC's discussion Paying it forward -- does it help you?
"One of my 12 year old daughter's best friends' mom is dying of fairly quick brain cancer and it hurts me so keenly, because as bad as it is for them now, I know what they have in front of them. She and her husband are the nicest people in…"
Apr 1
Mary H commented on Soaring Spirits's group Widowed in 2015
"It's good to know that you'd want to quit though, right?  A little message from yourself to yourself that you'd rather have a different job?  I know its not always practical to follow our dreams, but from where I'm…"
Mar 29
Imogen replied to Mary H's discussion Dating Again for those Born in the 60s in the group Born in the 60s
"I haven't dated since 1980.  It is a whole different world out there.   What I find odd, is that we are dating people our age, the same generation. We were brought up med be gentlemen & a woman be a lady.  Guys hold the door…"
Mar 28
Mary H commented on Soaring Spirits's group Widowed in 2015
"I am always struck by the fact that regardless of how different we may be in age and circumstance, we have so much in common in our bereavement.  I've been wondering if the problem in my case might be that as I began to feel better, I lost…"
Mar 28
SweetMelissa2007 replied to Mary H's discussion Faking it to Make it Didn't Work
"(((HUGS MARY))) Every facet of grief is a process - that's what makes it suck. Learning to cope w/unknown emotions while carrying them them around is no easy feat nor is it fun as well as clouds the reasons for doing it. I've never dated,…"
Mar 26

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Mary H's Blog

Reflections on the First Year on the Anniversary of My Husband’s Death

Posted on January 7, 2016 at 8:56am 0 Comments

Today I came across a quote by Marcus Aurelius, “Tomorrow is nothing, today is too late; the good lived yesterday.”  What can he have meant by it?  I can only assume that he lost someone too, as that is how I felt nearly every day for an entire year.  The pain I felt on my husband's death was so intense that I thought the physical stress of it would carry me off as well.  Everything around me looked flat, as if the world itself was changed without his observation of it.  I didn’t sleep, and…


Comment Wall (7 comments)

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At 9:28am on February 17, 2016, Hope said…

Mary H, you didn't need to apologize at all. Trying does not always work and you are so right. Hugs

At 6:03pm on June 27, 2015, Brucer said…

Hi Mary H,

I am so sorry for your loss and I wish you all my best.  My wife died 2 yrs and 8 months ago and this journey of grief goes on and on.  I saw your comments about family visits and how inconsiderate they can be.  For me, I experienced their lack of understanding of my wife's cancer as she battled for 8 years.  Her family continued to rely on her for everything as if she was perfectly healthy.  They expected her to put on holiday dinners, birthday parties, give haircuts, name it!  I could barely stand it and tried to politely suggest that others step up.  It was maddening at times.  We moved to Albuquerque from Cleveland for a job opportunity for me while she was in remission.  Eventually, her cancer returned and she passed in our home and we were together...just us two the way it should have been. 

People can be so selfish sometimes and others, like my wife, are so unselfish always giving of themselves.  Even now, If I dwell on the demands that her family put on her, I begin to boil so I try to block it out.  Life is too short for pointless anger. 

I hope each day is a little better for you.  Stay well.


At 8:36am on April 24, 2015, laurajay said…

awe mary...thx  I so feel your pain   so fresh  so puzzling  and the urgency with which the grief  attacks is so exhausting...especially when resolve does not flow.  Be strong. I will not say it gets easier or softer...only you will know if it does...but there will be more changes and when they come they often give a glimpse of something that resembles understanding.   love lj

At 2:10pm on April 20, 2015, Gary'swife said…

Mary- Thanks for the friend request.  I hope you can get some of the paperwork and financial things sorted out.  That is the worse, and the most pressing in the beginning.  I know you have already found this site to be helpful, and trust you will come here for sharing, and venting as needed.  It's a horrible journey we are all on, but it's good to know we are not alone.

At 1:19pm on March 31, 2015, Terry said…

Hi Mary, hoping that you are having a day that you can live with.  At one time I would have thought it an odd comment but I am realizing now that I have days that are manageable and others that make me wish it would all end for me.  I know that I will eventually be able to find a new purpose for my life but right now it just seems like such an effort to get up in the morning and try.  Evenings and overnights are the worst but I have found a slight change over the past 1 1/2 weeks that have surprised me somewhat.  Until then, I had to have some kind of sound on in the house whether it was radio or tv because I found the silence deafening.  Now a lot of the time, I have nothing turned on because I am getting used to the sound of silence.  It allows me to think, to remember and to talk to Anne.  It is funny that at one time talking in an empty house would have made me feel a little foolish but it seems to come naturally when I am talking to her.  I have even found myself reading the sympathy cards to her as they have come in the mail.

At 8:43am on March 13, 2015, Deborah B said…

Just stopping by to let you know that I lift in prayer and send you lovelovelove.  My husband has been gone for 15 months now.  I miss him more every day.  Sending you strength for the funeral.


At 9:16pm on March 7, 2015, Dianne in Nevada said…

Welcome to Widville, Mary H. I'm so very sorry for your loss, but pleased that you found us. You'll find caring support and friendship here.

Here's the best place to start: Need help using the site? Ask here!  You can join the Groups that fit you to connect to others with similar experiences. Share your story. Take a look at our Forum discussions where you'll find meaningful conversations taking place.  I look forward to getting to know you here in Widville.


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