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Mary H
  • Female
  • La Jolla, CA
  • United States
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Mary H's Discussions

Faking it to Make it Didn't Work

Started this discussion. Last reply by Mary H 8 hours ago. 7 Replies

When I hit two years I decided that I was going to stop wasting my life in sorrow and heartbreak.  I decided that I would focus on feeling grateful for the wonderful life I was able to share with an…Continue

What to do when someone's pity talk begins to feel like too much?

Started this discussion. Last reply by Nance63 Feb 6. 12 Replies

I lost my husband almost 2 years ago, and there is a woman who worked with him who cared for him very much and she has made a point of checking in with me regularly and making sure I am okay, and…Continue

Is it easier to decide not to move on?

Started this discussion. Last reply by Lupe's husband Mar 14. 48 Replies

I loved my husband so much, and he was an incredible person.  I knew how lucky I was to have him in my life.  It is so easy now that I have lost him to think that no one could love me as much as he…Continue

Advice on Vacations in the First Year?

Started this discussion. Last reply by Dianne in Nevada May 28, 2015. 22 Replies

I have had several (not widowed) people tell me that I should take my kids on a nice vacation this year, and I thought at first that we should as well, but the problem is that we took so many really…Continue

 

Mary H's Page

Latest Activity

Mary H replied to Mary H's discussion Faking it to Make it Didn't Work
"Thanks SweetMelissa, I find that too, that I am becoming more and more true to myself, but its still a process.  I wasn't aware of "faking it" when I decided to change my perspective, I felt as if I was taking charge, picking…"
8 hours ago
SweetMelissa2007 replied to Mary H's discussion Faking it to Make it Didn't Work
"In a short time from now, it will be 10 years. It's so much different now from the active or waning years of grief. Not until Bob died did I actually start being true to myself in everything I felt or did. Faking it never was an activity I…"
9 hours ago
Callie2 replied to Mary H's discussion Faking it to Make it Didn't Work
"Mary, you have already made a lot of progress. The problem can sometimes be when we begin feeling a little better and then it ambushes us once again and we feel distraught. It is not a linear thing. It's a whole lot of ups and downs and back…"
yesterday
Mary H replied to Mary H's discussion Faking it to Make it Didn't Work
"Thank you Widow85, Callie2 and Lupe's Husband, your replies helped me start to breath again.  Thank you for your wisdom, each of you.  Now that I've broken down in grief and just accepted that this is going to be me regardless of…"
Thursday
Lupe's husband replied to Mary H's discussion Faking it to Make it Didn't Work
"The problem with what you are saying is that you are not wasting your time on sorrow and heartbreak.    Like the other people here have said, you have to go through it.  You loved your husband.   You still love him.  …"
Thursday
Mary H commented on Soaring Spirits's group Widowed in 2015
"And the world, when you look out at it and all the people walking through it, does it seem like not your world anymore?"
Thursday
Callie2 replied to Mary H's discussion Faking it to Make it Didn't Work
"Mary, some will say that year #2 is often more difficult than the first. I guess reality really begins setting in at that time. You cannot wish grief away, you can hope it goes away soon, but that's the scary and difficult part of grief---we…"
Wednesday
widow85 replied to Mary H's discussion Faking it to Make it Didn't Work
"This old camp song/story came into my head, Can't go around it, can't go over it, can't go under it, gotta go through it. My sincerest sympathy and long-distance hand holding to you. I'm a little over 3 years out, and for me, 2nd…"
Wednesday
Mary H posted a discussion

Faking it to Make it Didn't Work

When I hit two years I decided that I was going to stop wasting my life in sorrow and heartbreak.  I decided that I would focus on feeling grateful for the wonderful life I was able to share with an absolutely incredible man even if it was traumatically and suddenly cut short, cut to half of what I expected, cut to me on my own trying to make sense of the enormity of my loss.  I was so lucky, afterall, that people came up to me at the funeral and told me how lucky I had been.  Intellectually, I…See More
Wednesday
Mary H replied to Mary H's discussion Dating Again for those Born in the 60s in the group Born in the 60s
"That sounds like a lot of reasons not to put yourself out there, right?  If men are pressing you to give in by the 3rd date, they are obviously finding you an attractive prospect which might mean you are having to come up with reasons not to…"
Mar 15
Imogen replied to Mary H's discussion Dating Again for those Born in the 60s in the group Born in the 60s
"That is what I found too.  Med in there 50's are looking fir someone 30 - 40.  I can't decide if they think they are such an awesome catch, or want someone to look after them as they grow old.   What I have found is that men…"
Mar 15
Mary H commented on Soaring Spirits's group Born in the 60s
"Hi, I want to welcome all of the new members who have joined in the last couple of months, and encourage you to share.  Born in the 60s can be a relatively quiet group because most of us are working, or still have children at home, and we are…"
Mar 15
Lupe's husband replied to Mary H's discussion Is it easier to decide not to move on?
"That's probably true.     A friend told me that our friendship gave her the self esteem to move into a new relationship.   I like that.  "
Mar 14
Callie2 replied to Mary H's discussion Is it easier to decide not to move on?
"Didn't really mean the chat literally, what I meant was that type of meeting would seem more appropriate. I think you both needed each other at the time. Missing our spouses includes the intimacy of sharing one's inner feelings and it…"
Mar 14
Lupe's husband replied to Mary H's discussion Is it easier to decide not to move on?
"She lives around 100 miles away, so getting together for a brief chat is unlikely.   I've known her for almost two years.    I get the feeling I was sort of a cool guy to hang out with between boyfriends. And no, I've never…"
Mar 14
Callie2 replied to Mary H's discussion Is it easier to decide not to move on?
"Can't say I blame you. Maybe meeting for a cup of coffee and a quick chat. Wow. Some things perhaps, better left unsaid. While I see nothing wrong with male/female friendships, you have to be cautious. Knowing this woman for a relatively short…"
Mar 13

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Mary H's Blog

Reflections on the First Year on the Anniversary of My Husband’s Death

Posted on January 7, 2016 at 8:56am 0 Comments

Today I came across a quote by Marcus Aurelius, “Tomorrow is nothing, today is too late; the good lived yesterday.”  What can he have meant by it?  I can only assume that he lost someone too, as that is how I felt nearly every day for an entire year.  The pain I felt on my husband's death was so intense that I thought the physical stress of it would carry me off as well.  Everything around me looked flat, as if the world itself was changed without his observation of it.  I didn’t sleep, and…

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Comment Wall (7 comments)

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At 9:28am on February 17, 2016, Hope said…

Mary H, you didn't need to apologize at all. Trying does not always work and you are so right. Hugs

At 6:03pm on June 27, 2015, Brucer said…

Hi Mary H,

I am so sorry for your loss and I wish you all my best.  My wife died 2 yrs and 8 months ago and this journey of grief goes on and on.  I saw your comments about family visits and how inconsiderate they can be.  For me, I experienced their lack of understanding of my wife's cancer as she battled for 8 years.  Her family continued to rely on her for everything as if she was perfectly healthy.  They expected her to put on holiday dinners, birthday parties, give haircuts,...you name it!  I could barely stand it and tried to politely suggest that others step up.  It was maddening at times.  We moved to Albuquerque from Cleveland for a job opportunity for me while she was in remission.  Eventually, her cancer returned and she passed in our home and we were together...just us two the way it should have been. 

People can be so selfish sometimes and others, like my wife, are so unselfish always giving of themselves.  Even now, If I dwell on the demands that her family put on her, I begin to boil so I try to block it out.  Life is too short for pointless anger. 

I hope each day is a little better for you.  Stay well.

Bruce

At 8:36am on April 24, 2015, laurajay said…

awe mary...thx  I so feel your pain   so fresh  so puzzling  and the urgency with which the grief  attacks is so exhausting...especially when resolve does not flow.  Be strong. I will not say it gets easier or softer...only you will know if it does...but there will be more changes and when they come they often give a glimpse of something that resembles understanding.   love lj

At 2:10pm on April 20, 2015, Gary'swife said…

Mary- Thanks for the friend request.  I hope you can get some of the paperwork and financial things sorted out.  That is the worse, and the most pressing in the beginning.  I know you have already found this site to be helpful, and trust you will come here for sharing, and venting as needed.  It's a horrible journey we are all on, but it's good to know we are not alone.

At 1:19pm on March 31, 2015, Terry said…

Hi Mary, hoping that you are having a day that you can live with.  At one time I would have thought it an odd comment but I am realizing now that I have days that are manageable and others that make me wish it would all end for me.  I know that I will eventually be able to find a new purpose for my life but right now it just seems like such an effort to get up in the morning and try.  Evenings and overnights are the worst but I have found a slight change over the past 1 1/2 weeks that have surprised me somewhat.  Until then, I had to have some kind of sound on in the house whether it was radio or tv because I found the silence deafening.  Now a lot of the time, I have nothing turned on because I am getting used to the sound of silence.  It allows me to think, to remember and to talk to Anne.  It is funny that at one time talking in an empty house would have made me feel a little foolish but it seems to come naturally when I am talking to her.  I have even found myself reading the sympathy cards to her as they have come in the mail.

At 8:43am on March 13, 2015, Deborah B said…

Just stopping by to let you know that I lift in prayer and send you lovelovelove.  My husband has been gone for 15 months now.  I miss him more every day.  Sending you strength for the funeral.

Deborah

At 9:16pm on March 7, 2015, Dianne in Nevada said…

Welcome to Widville, Mary H. I'm so very sorry for your loss, but pleased that you found us. You'll find caring support and friendship here.

Here's the best place to start: Need help using the site? Ask here!  You can join the Groups that fit you to connect to others with similar experiences. Share your story. Take a look at our Forum discussions where you'll find meaningful conversations taking place.  I look forward to getting to know you here in Widville.

 
 
 

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