Thank you for this site. I look forward to getting more involved and hope that it helps somewhat. Saturday March 12th will be two weeks since my wonderful, beautiful, loving husband died and I am in utter turmoil. Food has lost its taste, life has lost its joy. I am living moment to moment right now and really don't understand what life is all about anymore.
I haven't been a big fan of the word "healing" since my husband died. That word just didn't sit right with me for a while. It felt too tidy, too neat. It didn't describe a way out of this mess to my shocked brain. I think I'm ready to take another look at it. I think I might be ready to give it a chance. If you ask me again tomorrow, I'll probably say something different but tonight, I'm setting an intention to heal.
I don't want to be stuck in this darkness forever. I do not want…
I had somebody in this life who just had to look at me for me to see a universe of love.
His smile swirled around me and filled me with joy.
He soaked in my pain with the deepest empathy a human is capable of.
He brought out the best in me, a side of me that I didn't know existed before him.
We held each other up, creating such a strong foundation that it felt like it would never crumble.
Part of our strength was that we were real.
I look in the mirror
I don't recognize who is looking back at me
I am what's left
One side of the portrait
Is there beauty in pain?
Maybe, but the pain remains
I am half of what we were
No beauty of life can replace that
I am what remains
It is a very different view
I don't like it
But I must see it
You are so alive in my dreams
The waking world wants more
I can only survive
I can't offer what we…
I write this as I listen to cars traveling in the snowy, slushy rain making that lovely swooshing sound that used to send a sense of calm through me. It is a calm that I can't quite capture through my grief but am reminded that it used to be there. It is unseasonably cold but I have the windows open anyway. I need the fresh air. Is it a coincidence that you leave me in the same year we don't get to have a spring? I don't know but it feels like the weather is mourning you too.