I had such a great dream a few nights ago. It was like Randy and I were having a real conversation. He was telling me over and over how much he loved me, but that he just couldn't stay. It was…Continue
I am still trying to figure out how to deal with what has happened. I was 29 weeks pregnant with our first baby, a little girl to be named Jaclyn Paige. Her daddy named her... I lost him on October 1st. I kissed him goodbye to go on home from our friend's house, as he wanted to stay and ride his new can-am side by side. In a matter of minutes I got a call to come back. I'm still not sure how it happened but he rolled it. They were trying to resuscitate him when I pulled back up to the house, but he was already gone. I was able to hold his hand and touch his face and tell him I loved him before my parents showed up and took me to their house.We were supposed to have a 4D ultrasound and go to Dallas for our baby moon the next day. It was all he talked about that night. He was very excited. We both were. We had plans to wait another few months before we started trying for a baby. Luckily, this little angel snuck in on us despite being on birth control. I feel so blessed to have her now. She is the closest thing to him I'll ever see again and I'm so happy to have her. I am still in shock pretty much. I know he's gone but sometimes I have to think back and see him lying there to really come to terms. I know it's real but I still don't want to believe it.
So... I was doing "okay". I had "accepted" my reality. That is all still true, but some days it hits me like a truck that this is my life. It can be any random thing and the bottom drops out. I cannot control the hurt that I feel any longer. I can no longer tell myself that this is my life and I have to deal with it. The only thing I can do is cry like a freaking baby! Cry and Cry and Cry... and ask "Why?" over and over again. I know this is all part of the process. I just wish that I had…Continue
I have some things that I want to tell you. I am sure that you already know, or at least I hope you do. You have been the most amazing part of my life since we were children in afterschool daycare. We always had a connection that not many people understood in the beginning. Your dad laughed when you were 11 years old and told him that you would marry me one day. Hell, by the time we were 18 I would have laughed too. We had so many problems in that year. Like 18 was just…Continue
I have not written in a while... I really did not even realize because I have been so busy preparing for J. I got through my baby shower with flying colors. I actually had a great time. I laughed and cried, joked with friends, took pictures. Then spent the rest of the night with my mom, sister, sister in law, and my close friends washing and putting away her clothes and hanging new wall decor. I felt really bad when I laid down that night though. I felt like I had too much fun. I don't want…Continue
I went to the VA and the Social Security office today to inform them of Randy's death. I had to sign some form verifying dates and information. In the section of our marriage information it said we began our marriage on January 12, 2007 and that out marriage ENDED on October 1, 2011! WTH?!?! What do they mean it ended?? I HATED seeing that. It was like a knife through my freaking heart! Our marriage is not over until I decide it is. He is MY HUSBAND. Not my former or late husband.... my…Continue