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Bigfatchunkylover57's Blog

First kiss...

Posted on October 27, 2011 at 2:18pm 9 Comments

Today marks 16 years to the day since the first, not my first kiss...not her first kiss...our first kiss. I wrote about it on my "other" blog.


Here's what I didn't write there, the questions that run through my head all the time:


It's times like these I can't help but wonder if she'd still be alive if we hadn't kissed that night? If "we" hadn't become "us"? Who…


My dream...

Posted on October 3, 2011 at 4:30am 4 Comments

I woke up, at some point during the night, distressed and confused. I had been dreaming about Sara again. I realized it's a dream I've been having regularly for about 4 or 5 months. In my dream she has moved out of our home. I spend my time in the dream trying to convince her to move back, to just come home, to ease this hurt in my heart. She never says a word. She just looks at me sadly, with love and compassion in her eyes. It feels so real. It hurts so bad.


Most nights I…



Posted on September 18, 2011 at 7:54pm 8 Comments

I went for a motorcycle ride today. Nothing new about that. I've ridden almost 10,000 miles since the weather warmed up to where I could hit the road this past spring.


In the middle of the ride, Creep, by the Stone Temple Pilots, came up on my playlist.  Part of the chorus goes like this:

Well, I'm half the man I used to be

(This I feel as the dawn)

(It fades to gray)

Well, I'm half the man…


It's too darn quiet...

Posted on September 16, 2011 at 3:52pm 0 Comments

I just got home from the movies. Went by myself. That seems to be the trend lately. I still do lots of things with my family and friends, but I find I'm doing more and more things by myself.


I was caught by surprise as I sat down and realized how quiet my house is. Seven months in and it still hits like a fist some days. Not that I don't expect it to, I'm just surprised that I'm surprised when it does.


You can read more on my "other" blog:…


Comment Wall (8 comments)

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At 5:27pm on October 5, 2011, jean said…
Thank you for sharing these beautiful pictures with us all. I am so sorry you are here.  Prayers going up for you
At 10:41pm on September 24, 2011, Debbie said…
I'm sorry for your heartache and loss.
At 4:04pm on August 21, 2011, rodsgurl09 said…
So sorry for the loss that brought you here, but I'm glad you found WV. I've found an outpouring of understanding and support, and I know that you will too.
At 8:09am on August 20, 2011, Alive & Mortal said…

Let me come in

where you are weeping, friend,

And let me take your hand.

I, who have known a sorrow such as yours,

Can understand.

At 9:24pm on August 19, 2011, Lisa (lost) Lamb said…
So glad you found us Chad....So sorry for your loss. I hope you will find the same comfort and understanding here that I have. This can be such a long, sad and painful road....none of us need to travel it alone.

At 4:22pm on August 19, 2011, MsKris12 said…

So terribly sorry you are here, Chad.  I hope you find support, understanding and comfort in these web pages.  I know I have.  Your blog is an amazing testament to the love you have for your beloved wife and oh, so beautiful daughter.  God bless.



At 3:07pm on August 19, 2011, Dianne in Nevada said…
So pleased you found us, Chad. Take a look around and join our conversations - in the Groups, Forums and Chat Room. You'll find wonderful support here. We do have other widowers here, too, and I'm originally from Adrian, MI - just down the road from you.
At 2:29pm on August 19, 2011, wannabmartha said…

So sorry for the reason that you’re here but glad you’ve joined us. You’ll find insight, understanding and support here at Widowed Village. We’re traveling the same road together some further down the road than others.  Join a group when you’re ready to get better connected. Participate in a forum and/or chat anytime. If you have questions, feel free to ask. There is always someone around willing to help.


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