"Boy do our stories sound similar! Not to negate anybody's loss or mourning, but sometimes, I think it's more difficult for the unwed widow to get back into their own life and harder to move on. We had plans with our significant others that…"
"I haven't been on here for a l-o-n-g time. Anyway, things have begun to surface about my mourning for my boyfriend of 18 years who unexpectedly died of a heart aneurysm on 9/3/2014. There was this guy at my church who had been…"
Boy do our stories sound similar! Not to negate anybody's loss or mourning, but sometimes, I think it's more difficult for the unwed widow to get back into their own life and harder to move on. We had plans with our significant others that went unfulfilled. I never got to experience the joy of being engaged, planning a wedding, be the center of attention at my wedding, and above all, actually getting to be a WIFE. Me and Chris had a long-distance relationship for more of the 15-1/2 years we were together. When we both still lived in Illinois--me in Naperville, him in Lombard--we spent A LOT of time together, obviously, and he stayed over almost every weekend so it was kind of like living together on a part-time basis. Then, in 2009, due to losing my job and not being able to afford my apartment any longer, I moved me and my son down to Florida to live with my mom for a couple of years, so from 2009 to 2013, our relationship was long distance with maybe 1-2 visits per year when either could afford it, though we did talk on the phone daily, multiple times per day. In fact, I used to get irritated with him sometimes for as much as he called me just to say "hey" and how many messages I'd come home to on a daily basis. Now, I regret so badly not having him to call me, I wish more than anything to have just ONE message that wasn't deleted to hear his voice again. Really, what was so wrong with him calling me a lot and wanting to talk to me anyway??? When I finally got him to move down in 2013 (July 3rd) it was a test to actually be living together 24/7. He had a host of issues from his past which ultimately led him to seek help from a bottle of beer, multiple actually, per night and that was a big friction in our relationship. I miss him every day and I, too, often bargain and ask God to please send him back, hoping still even after 3+ years that it was a horrible mistake, he didn't really die, and he's coming back to me. I'm lonely as hell without my best friend to talk to. I want to find that "second chance" and, I know it sounds awful, but every time I hear a widow saying that she is getting married again and has found her second chance, while I want to be happy for her, I just feel miserable and jealous. Like, how come she gets a second chance to be a wife when I never even got a first chance??? When do I get my second chance?
After Chris passed, I lost my job and decided that, instead of just taking another crappy job, I would go back to school to earn a real education. Chris always said he wanted to go back to school to learn a trade and never did. It was too late for him but what was I waiting for? I'm still young enough to get the education I always felt I missed out on getting. So I started out planning to just get my Certificate in Medical Billing & Coding which turned into completion of my A.S. degree in HIT. And, now, I've started the journey towards my Bachelor's degree. So I'm making positive steps towards my future, however, I just wish it wasn't such a lonely journey. God bless.
Welcome to Widville, drummergirl. I am truly sorry for your loss, and hope you find caring support and friendship here.
Here's the best place to start: Need help using the site? Ask here! You can join the Groups that fit you to connect to others with similar experiences. Share your story. Take a look at our Forum discussions where you'll find meaningful conversations taking place. I look forward to getting to know you here in Widville. Take care of yourself.