Today is 6 years since Kevin died. I keep thinking I'm doing so much better and bam! the huge hole in my heart opens up again. I'm struggling today. "Friends" tell me how strong I am, and how well I'm doing and I realize that I'm an imposter. I put on my " cheerful, keep going" mask and today the mask just wouldn't stay on. I broke down more than once and several times in public. People give you a wide berth when that happens, especially in the grocery store!
I know that I have come a…Continue
August is my least favorite month.I pretty much hate it. August 25 2007 is the date that my husband died. When August comes around, as it always does, I am thrown into a place that I thought I was past. I am sad, I am angry, I am filled with regret for what was, what should have been, what could have been, had cancer not stolen my husband away. We were not perfect people, although I have done my best to make Kevin a saint in the last 6 years. So if he is the saint, what does that make me?…Continue
We all know the "look". It's the one that says "Let me say hi and get away before she starts talking about him again", or "Oh no, she is going to mention his name-again". It's "I feel sorry for her but she should have moved on by now", it's the " Oh God, this is awkward and I am going to look away because I am so glad it's not me" look. It's all that and more, and we have all experienced it. It comes from family, friends, co-workers, etc. I have been getting that look for almost 6 years…Continue
I just had a week off for Spring Break. I traveled to Pennsylvania to see some family and my ailing stepmother.I had not seen most of my family for 2 1/2 years. They don't travel here to see me but expected me to fly up there . I traveled alone, a lonely almost 60 year old, trying to do the right thing, going to see family. All they did was tell themselves how great I'm doing. I feel more support here on this site than I do with my siblings, who are aware of my poor financial and…Continue