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We met at age 7 and shared a beautifully unique friendship. Two states and different paths separated us as teens yet our paths merged at the perfect time 20 years later. It was kismet until the day you died in my arms 3 months ago. You always said you'd love me forever and a day. I promised the same, it just came a lot earlier than I expected. Those five years were a fairytale romance and we lived happily ever after. Devastation complete in this after in which I now reside. Missing you terribly.
Rosie, Rick had COPD and circulatory problems. He also had a-fib (heart fluttering). He simply slipped away during the night. He wasn't well, but we had been to all the doctors. We got good checkups from all of them in the weeks before. Then, he just died. I know it may sound crazy of me...but I didn't let them do an autopsy. I just couldn't stand the thought of it. It's almost as if there was a storm coming...and Rick knew it. He would say things about dying and about me taking care of the house and kids without him. Looking back, I felt something deep in my bones too, but I fought hard against it. I would jump up and tell him that he wasn't going anywhere and not to worry. He was getting the best medical care and had the best medications available for heart issues, etc. I just don't know, Rosie. Cutting Rick apart wouldn't have brought him back. I am not sorry I didn't let them do an autopsy. I would have been grieving either way. How did your Dorian go?
I haven't dated, no, but would I? I just don't know. My mind and heart are not there....don't know if they ever will be but I'm not saying I wouldn't. I'm just not there yet, you know? I am still in a kind of shock from all of it. Those of us who are suddenly widowed weren't even thinking of being in this place. Those that cared for their loved ones who had terminal illnesses may have put some thought into life 'after'. You and I didn't know we would be living a life without our husbands...at least not this soon. Maybe I'm slow in accepting the new reality. Maybe I'm still angry about the way things turned out. But I can't put myself into a relationship with anyone until I've dealt with this baggage I carry. It just wouldn't be right. And even after I deal with it/accept it, I may choose to stay solo. I just don't know. Cindy
Rosie, I don't think you will be alone the rest of your life. Who knows? For me too...who knows? I've lived long enough to never say never. Even though I can't imagine anyone else, I get 'skin hungry'...longing to be held, kissed, etc. But my bar is so high right now (namely, it would have to be Rick doing it), I won't be snuggling anytime soon, for sure. I don't really think about a relationship. Talk about guilt! I am still married in my heart. I imagine that you feel that way now and will for a while. In fact, I still wear my ring. I can't imagine taking it off. It has been a part of my body for so long...I've only removed it for hospital stays when I had my two children. I suppose some would call that being 'stuck', but so be it. I won't take it off until I know it is the right time...and if the right time ever comes, I will know. I guess I'm trying to figure out who I am without Rick. I've been part of a team for so long, and this loss has really changed me. I wasn't expecting that. I don't even know me anymore. How unfair to saddle someone new with a veritable 'nobody'. I'm glad to hear that anything I've written has helped you. You help me too. Always wishing you the best. Cindy
Oh, Rosie. That makes my heart ache. What you went through sounds so very similar to my experience. I was pissed the night before as well. A wave of guilt washed over me so strong when it happened...I thought I would drown.
Police too...barring me from the bedroom where the paramedics were working on Rick...hands on their guns! (Criminal that I am...standing there in my pjs...my hair sticking out in every direction...wild-eyed!) But they didn't question me...they were just gone after that morning. I don't know what happened to them.
And yours was my thought too..."What just happened? Oh my God! My Rick...my Rick!" I lost 20+ pounds over the next two weeks...I mean to tell you Rosie, I ate NOTHING. Nothing. It took me months to gain it back..and I had to really concentrate to do it.
That was about 20 months ago...September 23, 2013. Now? Now I just try to keep busy...I hate saying that...everyone says that. But it is the truth. In the beginning, I was busy, but I was busy trying to remember to breathe in and out...put one foot in front of the other...that was all I could do. I was trying to return to work too, like you, but I was no good to anyone there.
Now is easier...but I'm not used to it, Rosie. I do believe we grieve for the rest of our lives (I know you must hate to hear that, but you probably already know its true). I think some couples are so close, that the grieving does last the rest of our lives, but it won't RULE our lives for the rest of our lives, can you see what I mean?
I come home every day to a quiet house. It isn't 'new', but I'm not used to it. Some days will go by and I receive hardly any calls (Rick was my most frequent caller). It isn't new, but I'm not used to it. I have been by the cemetery several times, but I can't comprehend his name there...his face (I ordered an outstanding marker...it is beautiful...photos etc).
We were married for 32 years, Rosie. I am getting along quite well on my own...to my great surprise, but I'm not used to it. I don't have the one person whose opinion mattered most to me to talk to anymore. But, Rosie, I knew him so well that I already know what he would tell me without asking. That is what comforts me most.
And the guilt? Well, Rosie, all I can say is that I was just living life. Imperfectly, for sure, but my love for Rick and his for me was never the problem. Never. I'm sure your love with your husband wasn't the problem either. We were just living like any other couple would...we had our problems and sore spots and sometimes we would argue about them.
Your guilt comes from the timing of it all...mine too. The harshness of that does pass. You can make a lot of progress if you will push the things you cannot change behind other memories...I don't mean forget them...we learn from mistakes we make, and we become better for them...but don't let them rule your life, Rosie.
My Rick was so much more than that last day. He was all the days before. I wrote a blog entitled that: The Days Before. I will repost it. Its all about choosing memories. I am so hoping it comforts you, my friend.
Hello, Rosie. So glad to see your friend invitation. I hope you are having a good day...hmmm....what does that mean now? That's what I used to wonder when I was only 3 months out. Rick died in September. Three months later, my daughters and I were trying to work up the energy to put up the Christmas tree. I look at the pictures of that Christmas and I can't believe how I looked. I didn't want many pictures taken...I could not smile. Just couldn't do it. Now, looking back, it was just fog. Deep, thick fog. I don't know exactly what you are feeling, Rosie, but if it is foggy...it will get lighter and lighter, and then you will see the sun again. Just remember while you are in the gray of that fog, that the sun IS there. Your heart just won't let you see it right now. This is an unbelievable path we are walking. So surreal. I hope we can help each other walk through it. Peace to you, Rosie. I'll be thinking of you.
(((Rosie))) So sorry for the reason you are here but glad you found us. WV has been such a great support to me and I hope you will find it to be the same for you. Glad to meet you and hope to see you chat often.
Welcome to Widowed Village, his little Rosie, I am very sorry for your loss, but pleased that you found us. You will find caring support and friendship here.
Here is the best place to start: Need help using the site? Ask here! You can join the Groups that fit you to connect to others with similar experiences. Share your story. Take a look at our Forum discussions where you will find meaningful conversations taking place. I look forward to getting to know you here in Widville