I guess I should tell my story here...in the past year I lost the two most important men in my life. My dad died in January, he was 71. Four months later, my husband died, he was 39. I am still trying to process both of these losses. My dad was on dialysis, fighting kidney disease, but to get the phone call and hear he had decided to stop dialysis was the worst phone call in my life. I had a great relationship with him, and he was such an inspiration. He lived an active healthy life until this random illness began to chip away at his happiness and youthfulness.
Barely weeks after returning home after my father's death, I found myself in the ER with my husband - in complete disbelief at the scan that showed he had a brain tumor, and not a small one at that. This was only the beginning of the dark path we embarked on that revealed terminal cancer throughout his body, tumors in his abdomen, on his spine...in his bones. I remember the doctors saying, he has months. Not years. I just couldn't even comprehend it.
So here I am. Trying to process what has happened during the past year. Both my dad and husband were very "pragmatic" about what they were facing. But I am having a much harder time. While I am not religious, I have always been very spiritual, but even my long-held beliefs are being challenged during this process.
I am also trying to figure out "what's next". My husband and I were just getting ready to try and adopt a child...now I feel like I have absolutely nothing...in my 40s, no husband or family. WTF. This is not a road I want to be on, but I am trying to accept it for what it is, pain, anxiety, sorrow, anger, confusion and all.
My husband's birthday is coming up on Saturday. He would have been 40. I have made plans to meet up with some of our friends for dinner at one of his favorite restaurants. I have been feeling a bit lighter in my heart, and because of this have taken on more than I was able to for the past months. In fact, I even applied for a new job, and of all craziness, have an interview tomorrow.
But today...today the grief started creeping around. I was in a work situation where I met new people,…Continue
I spent a wonderful evening with friends last night, there was lots of laughter, and I had a genuinely good time. Then I returned to my car and had a widow melt-down.
It has been 9 months, and there are days when I feel like, on some level, I am coming to "acceptance" that he's gone. For all I know, maybe this acceptance is actually denial, or the distraction of going to work, because then, out of nowhere, I get hit with a wave of complete disbelief. Completely debilitating, sobbing,…Continue
This morning *that* song came on the radio, the song from last summer that went straight to my heart, the song that goes straight to my gut, and immediately takes me back to a place of deep sorrow. But then another one came on, and another, ALL songs from last summer that remind me of my husband, of his death. What is going on? Did someone make a medley of my horrendous summer?
Ah, the Grammys. Of course. Might need to avoid them this year.
To a normal person - a person *not*…Continue