widow@34's Page

Thinking of you today.

I can see you are young like me. It has been 1 year 3 months yesterday. My husband died from a Massive Blood Clot in his leg, unexpectantly. Leaving me and our at that time 9 year old daughter. It has been a rough road, and still rough. If you want please feel free to message me. ~Heather

i read your post.  dont blame yourself, thou it is easy to do.  i too said things( the month before my husband died at the age of 43) that i did not mean.   i know you are hurting so bad right now, the hurt is almost like a physical pain and how it would be just easier to sleep and forget it all.  your husband knows how much you loved him, we are all human and we say things sometimes that we do not mean.  stay strong  

hugs

Lgomez, I'm so terribly sorry for your traumatic loss. I too lost my husband suddenly to a heart attack; he passed away right beside me in bed while I slept, and I found him when I woke 2 hours later. I know the guilt all too well...why didn't I wake up? Why didn't I hear anything? He had been feeling ill the night before, refused to go to ER, why didn't I call an ambulance when he refused? The mind runs through all kinds of would-haves, should-haves trying to magically create a different ending to the story. I honestly think that nothing you or I could have done would have changed the outcome....but I understand completely the tendency to think it would have. Be gentle with yourself. I wish you peace. (((((hugs)))))

I'm so sorry for the loss that brought you here Igomez, but so glad you've joined us. this is a vast journey we are all on, some a little farther down the road then others. One thing please always keep in mind none of us need travel it alone. You will find great support and friendship here. We all understand, so if you need us we are here.

Welcome to our community.... I hope we can keep you company on your journey ahead. Please look around a bit and read this basic introduction to the site. You can find more information about how the community works under "Help!" in the navigation bar, and we'll send you a few newsletters with tips and ideas in the coming weeks. If you need a little more help, go to the Home page and look in the right hand column to see the link to a "Help Desk" form.
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Big hug!
Supa
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So sorry to read about the traumatic loss of your husband - especially at such a young age.

My husband died from a massive heart attack too, but with less drama than what you had to go through. My husband was airlifted from our property in NH to Dartmouth Medical Center where doctors performed emergency surgery to put stents in his heart. He languished for 10 days in ICU before I had to make the difficult decision to pull the plugs. He died a few hours later on September 7, 2010.

One thing I've discovered during my grieving that doesn't seem to be mentioned much in books, or other resources I've come across, is that regret is a huge part of the emotional process - or at least it has been for me. The overly-referred-to Kübler-Ross model talks about denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance as the five stages of grief. But what about regret? In my experience regret has trumped all other stages in the Kübler-Ross model, except maybe depression - something I grapple with daily as I try to move on without my love.

My husband and I were together for 30 years and were exceptionally close. Yet I still find myself wishing I had loved and appreciated him more when he was alive. I replay things I wish I hadn't said or done. Wished I had been better still. But in reality all couples have their struggles, ups and downs, good times, bad times and everything in between. So I understand your comments about a rough patch you had just gone through with your husband shortly before he died. But it sounds like you had moved through that, so please don't blame yourself for the stress of that situation possibly having caused his heart attack.

The other thing that has been a challenge for me since my husband died is learning how to be kind to myself and love myself. A year and a half later and I still don't have that one down yet either.

It's a strange place, this widowed thing. Life goes on as we try to learn how to maneuver through this unfamiliar landscape without our loved one.

I say this as much to myself as you: Please be kind to yourself. Don't beat up on yourself for not reacting differently during your husband's traumatic heart attack. I often believe that I could have saved my husband too. But it didn't play out that way.

Love and acceptance for ourselves and our situation. Easier said than done.

Sending loving thoughts to you. I understand your pain.

Gretchen