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mls64 (Mike)
  • Male
  • Athens, TN
  • United States
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mls64 (Mike)'s Discussions

Family and friends distance ?

Started this discussion. Last reply by barbee Sep 17, 2017. 9 Replies

I've noticed a huge gap between me and family,friends. My wife passed this past July 3rd and it was as if everyone in my life has evaporated. I have 4 grown daughters, all with lives and school and I…Continue


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In love for 26 years, married for 24 years, 4 daughters, 2 granddaughters. Recent empty-nesters. My wife was diagnosed with cancer 1/6/17, she passed away at home 7/3/17.
My only option is forward !

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Mls64 (Mike)'s Blog

The Continuous vigilance

Posted on September 22, 2017 at 11:42am 3 Comments

I've been trying to dissect the emotion, trying to understand the root cause of it.Pinpoint the individual issues, which I'm sure there are many, and attack it head-on. As I've stated before I want to go face-to-face with this emotion, not hide from it but manage it. Not control it, but manage it.

A thought rolled through my brain the other day about how someone in love has a continuous vigilance over the health and well-being of their relationship. Not just once in awhile but at… Continue

Role reversal,

Posted on September 17, 2017 at 1:29pm 9 Comments

If it were you passing away, what would you tell your spouse? What advice or direction would you give?

For some people here there was time to have those conversations.

My wife and I had time but it was a conversation I could not handle. But I wonder about those that lost loved ones unexpectedly.

Some of us were fortunate enough to receive a blessing from our spouses, to eventually move forward and others here were not.

Those precious words from a departed loved… Continue

Separating emotion from logic...

Posted on August 30, 2017 at 7:31am 14 Comments

To start let me give a quick history. My wife Teri and I were married for a little more than 24 years. Four daughters, two granddaughters. We found out this January that she had cancer. She passed on July 3rd.

Like most everyone else here, the sense of loss is all-consuming.

The "what will I do now" question applies to us all.

I've read countless posts, and for the most part I can relate to the writer.

However, I don't want to just relate to other posts, I want a… Continue

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At 3:52pm on October 17, 2017, Fluffycat52 said…

I am so sorry for your loss Mike, I understand how you feel about dating again, I met my husband through a friend I knew at College she worked at the same place my husband lived, my husband knew no strangers he loved to talk, anyway it is different now dating than it was in the early 90's I am glad I met my husband was allowed to have a Son with him and to have wonderful In-Laws, I was Blessed to have them and to still have my 94 year old Dad to be able to live with, we just don't know how long we have on earth, I just live one day at a time that is all I can do.Hope you have a nice week Mike I will keep you in my prayers. Your Friend, Lisa

At 6:00pm on September 22, 2017, Hornet (Cindy) said…

Thanks for the friend request, Mike. That was such a nice surprise when I logged in this evening. I hope you are doing well right now and had a decent day. (It's a minute-to-minute journey at first, isn't it?)

Tomorrow is the 4th anniversary of Rick's passing and I'm just feeling really strange about it all. Even after this long, life doesn't seem quite real. BUT (and this is important)...I am much, much steadier. And man, did I need steadiness...major steadiness. I was the 'walking dead' for more than a year.

Just saying this to give you hope (in a realistic way) that you and your daughters will be ok...even though it doesn't look that way when you are only a few months out. I say 'realistic' because of the great shift your world has suffered. Life is never the same after that kind of shift, as you know...and that is why I say I feel 'strange' even now. The world isn't the same without Rick and never will be again.

I don't suppose this strangeness will ever leave me completely, but I am dealing with it. In fact, I think I've done a pretty good job of it. I managed to survive the financial blow (no life insurance, huge loss of income, etc.). I take care of my home by myself. I repair things I never really understood before (the car, the air conditioner, light fixtures, etc.).

And as if losing my husband wasn't enough, I've dealt with the loss of friends and even family members...not because of death, but because they just seemed to have vanished into thin air after Rick died. No calls, no visits. Nothing. Even my mother in law, whose family I was a part of for 32 years. (Isn't that awful? Family vanishing?)

Now at four years out, Mike, with all that has happened after Rick left, even after losing friends and family I thought I could always count on, I am stronger in many ways than I was before. I realize how much I can bear...much more than I could have imagined.

I hope you come to realize that strong you strong your daughters are. If you don't know it will in the days to come. And you will be ok.

Have a good night, and thanks again for the friend request!


At 6:44pm on September 21, 2017, Hornet (Cindy) said…

By the way, Mike. I still have lots of Rick's things all around me. Photos, tools, his truck. An entire dresser still full of his favorite clothes. My daughters even picked out their favorite shirts that their Daddy wore. They have them hanging in their closets right now!

You just hang onto whatever you want. There is no schedule the Valley of the Shadow. There is only your heart. Your heart will tell you when its time to change things...IF it is ever time to change things.

And don't let anyone else badger you into doing something you are not ready to do. You know best. YOU.

Take care of yourself, Mike! Let me know if you need anything.


At 6:37pm on September 21, 2017, Hornet (Cindy) said…

Hello, Mike. Cindy (Hornet) here. I appreciate your comment on my 'ring' post and reading it took me back to that time when I was about 3 months out after losing my husband, Rick.

What a dark thing this grieving is, isn't it? I am so sorry for what you have gone through. But I wanted to give you just one more nugget of advice that may help you and your children - when you can, when your heart and mind begin to clear a bit more.

Try to focus your mind and heart on the time of life before your wife became ill. Think of your 24 years with her before cancer. THAT is the time worth reflecting on. THAT is the time that you and your wife grew into one, made a home, had children, loved and laughed...lived your lives. Just the everyday things.

You see, your wife wasn't cancer and illness. She was sooo much more. It was hard for me to remember that when Rick died...the horror of that last day was killing me. 

I lost Rick suddenly. He wasn't well, he had some serious issues, but no cancer diagnosis (thank goodness). He had fantastic doctors. He was taking all his medications properly, eating well, etc. We had no idea of what was to come. One night we went to bed and Rick died in his sleep...he was gone. Just gone.

I felt like someone blasted me with a shotgun. I was literally reeling. My teeth were chattering, I was shivering for days after he reaction was so strong. And then...I went numb. It was the most horrible time of my life. I know darkness very well.

For months I couldn't get the pictures out of my head...rolling him over when he didn't wake up after I called his name...his face as I was furiously performing CPR on him...the paramedics loading him in the ambulance...the doctor's face when he told me Rick couldn't be saved.  And, oh dear God, the grief-stricken faces of my daughters. It was a entire went completely black in an instant.

But what really helped me grow steadier a few months out was reading the posts here. I didn't participate for a good while at first. I just needed to know I wasn't alone in the dark...sadly, there were many others with me...suffering just as badly. Then, I started participating in Widville and writing blog posts, just like you are now.

The communicating...even though its online, not face-to-face (which still bugs me a bit)...started moving my mind to other places...places away from the dark. And finally, I started moving past that last day when Rick died. I forced the memories of that day away and made myself think of all the days before then into the front of my mind, where they belonged. THOSE are the memories I choose, Mike. Not the sadness, the doctor visits, the medicines, the fearful days, the last day...all those things I could not control, could not prevent.  I choose the days that Rick was smiling...or even when he was angry. Anything but the sickness... anything but death. 

Rick was a living, breathing, wonderful human being whom I loved beyond words, and he deserves to be remembered for all the days before his last day here. He was so much more than that. And so is your wife. She is more than cancer...more than fear.

One last thing...I am a Christian...and in my soul I know she is still with you, just as Rick is still with me...and always will be. Not only is her very essence living and breathing in your children, her lovely spirit surrounds you all.

I think of Rick's last day here as his first day THERE...and how wonderfully happy he is! A happiness and joy like none of us can und

At 3:52pm on September 13, 2017, Callie2 said…
Hi mis64,
Thank-you for the friend request, look forward to reading your future posts. Sorry for the reason you join us but hopefully you will benefit from the support. Remember that each day is a day towards healing and remain positive even though it may be difficult at times. Wishing you peace!
At 5:55pm on August 29, 2017, Joyce said…

Welcome mls64: I'm sorry for your loss but I'm glad you found your way to this site. I hope you will find the same comfort and understanding here at Widowed Village that I have. In the beginning I just read the blogs and posts and lurked in chat.You can join the Groups that fit you to connect to others with similar experiences.  Post and join in chat when you feel comfortable. It is nice to be among people who "Get It".


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