I hope you've seen some light as the days pass by. I know you're not buying the whole 'time helps' thing and I understand that. I've felt that way, too. But now that I'm 8 months out I will say it's far better than those early months.
And today is your birthday ... which can be a tough day. I had my first birthday alone just a couple of weeks ago and it isn't easy. But I survived it. You will, too.
Spend some time with us here. There's great support and it helps a lot to find that you're not the only one feeling as you do.