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smallfish1 (Mariann)
  • Female
  • East Waterboro, ME
  • United States
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Smallfish1 (Mariann)'s Blog

Another Blindside

Posted on February 22, 2013 at 5:25am 19 Comments

The day my husband left the house to run an errand and never returned because he suffered a massive heart attack and died--that was a huge blindside.  My life spiraled out of control pretty rapidly into a pit of anxiety and loneliness.  Gone without warning. 

Within days of the funeral service friends and family members returned to their daily routines leaving me feeling abandoned and utterly alone...another unexpected blindside.  For sure they would be there to hold me up when…

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Is Today the First Day?

Posted on February 1, 2013 at 3:24am 4 Comments

Is today the first day of the rest of my life?  As of today the twelve months of "firsts" has officially ended.  So now what?  We are all warned not to make hasty, life changing decisions in the first months following our loss.  Changes we might regret once we regain emotional stability.  Wish I could put a carpenters level on whatever or wherever it is in my body that determines whether or not my emotions are in balance.  When can I start living life again without the risk of regret?  Is it…

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One Year Later

Posted on January 31, 2013 at 4:44am 5 Comments

Here I am one year later.  In some ways still in disbelief that I live alone.  It's been one year and I still have his boots next to the door.  I still don't put the toilet paper on the roll (that used to drive him crazy so I did it to annoy him).  The dump sticker is on my windshield and I've become a regular at the dump and the recycling bin.  No snow or ice build up in the gutters, the bird feeders are full most of the time.  I guess I'm adjusting to the routine.  It is just so damn…

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When Roads in Life's Journey Instersect

Posted on November 10, 2012 at 4:57am 5 Comments

Yesterday I made my six month visit to the Cancer Care Center.  I've been cancer free for two years and this was a routine checkup with a new doctor.  As I sat in the waiting area I watched couples coming and going and thought about the days when I attended my visits at the center as the patient half of an anxious couple.  The door of the treatment area opened and a lady exited.  I watched her as she left the building and walked to an area known as the healing garden.  An area that my late…

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Comment Wall (19 comments)

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At 6:31pm on March 4, 2014, Morgana (Janet) said…

Mariann, call Maria at 813-368-4960 about Friday night in Tampa.

At 9:24am on April 1, 2013, Ramblinman said…

Hi Mariann,  I've been thinking about you and wondering not only how you are doing but whether or not you're still skiiing?  I had a rough Easter weekend, it being another 1st for me, and it looks like our skiing is pretty well over as this spring snow just isn't of good quality.  I suppose your mountains are still hanging in there with good snow or at least better than us.  The strange thing is that we have almost 20" of snow still on the ground but it's just not very useful.  Anyhow, I hope you're doing well and still hitting the slopes.    Gary

At 4:25pm on March 21, 2013, Paula said…

Hi Mariann, my number is 860-517-9185,  I be there all day

At 3:47pm on March 9, 2013, Ramblinman said…

Hi Mariann,

What a coincidence your message was because I was thinking of you today while I was skiing.  There's so few people I know that like to ski, except local friends, that you come to mind because of what you've told me in past messages about your enjoying skiing.  Well I hope you had a great day on the slopes or trails.  Our skiing, here in Wisconsin, is quickly coming to an end as March is starting to bring us thawing temps although a big snowstorm is predicted for this coming Monday so who knows?  Every time I hit the ski trails I think of my wife because she was always with me just as your husband was with you and it's still very difficult skiing alone even though I have come a long ways since the winter ski season began.  I guess what I'm missing, in part, is not being able to share the joy and experience with anyone close.  In fact I'm sure that alot of where I'm at in my grief is the inability to share the day, the experience and all the love that I have and it really hurts.  I'm sure you know exactly what I mean.  Thanks much for writing, Mariann, as your thoughts and words have helped to make my day!   Gary

At 3:29pm on March 9, 2013, Moving On said…

Hi Mariann,

Thank you for being my friend!  It's too bad we all have to meet like this, but I'm really happy that WV exists and that we can meet!  Hugs and a smile to you! Stan

At 1:54pm on February 1, 2013, SkipM said…

Hi Mariann,

   Thank you for your posts, I can inedify with them. So often now, I just would like to take a small vacation from my grief. Maybe just for a moment. Adjustments have not come easily, but I have had no other choice. I never in my wildess dreams ever thought that my wife would pass first. I had been working towards the day when I would be gone, and trying to get things ready for her to carry on.

   The first thing that really hit me was that all of our dreams and memories were for nothing.....what would I do with them now? My wife always came first with me, and the dreams and memories seem to be just for her. I actually felt a little guilty that I was the one left with them. In the begining, those memories were like broken, sharp pieces of glass.Every time I touched one, I got cut (hurt). But as time passed, the sharp edges began to smooth down. Now I can often pick up a memory, smile, perhaps laugh and feel joy. then there are those times when tears of sadness (and mixed joy) come.

  The feelings of aloneness, are often painful. At times I want to do something (anything) to escape them. I want to fill those place with something(someone) no matter what. But sanity returns, and I know that that is not the right path for me. I must grow into the whole (scarred) person that I am meant to be. If and when I become a whole person again---then will come a time I can choose to date or not. But for now it would only be an escape for me. I have nothing to offer a relationship of that kind.

  Again thanks for your writings....and Happy Birthday

At 2:40am on January 28, 2013, Diane said…

Hi Mariann....Sometimes I do things without understanding them.  My daughters had asked me last week what we should do about Friday and I was speechless.  The going out to dinner didn't feel right and now you verbalize why.  I don't want to be in public either.  I want to cry and think of him with the two people that understand this better than anyone else.  I am going to make dinner and have them here with our beautiful grandson.  I think I will take some old picture albums out as well as some DVD's I had made from old VCR tapes Don had made.  He took millions of hours of footage of everything under the sun, but most of all, us.  I will also be thinking of you this week, Mariann, and praying and hoping for healing for both of us.  thank you!

At 7:20am on January 26, 2013, Diane said…

Hi Mariann, I am not sure if I ever replied to this.  Please accept my apologies if I did not.  Someone else just sent me a message and I found all these messages that I am pretty sure I never read.  I am retired as of Jan 1 of this year and now have the time to try and understand this website!  I was struck by your comments, I recall that our anniversaries are similar - Don wil be gone a year on Feb 1.  I understand your pain and so sorry to read that you feel what I do.  I sold our 2005 Mini  Cooper S silver convertible that Don had painstakingly picked out, watched be built and LOVED to drive.  We used it for vacations and lovely summer nights as we stored it thru the brutal Cleveland winters.  I tried to drive it last spring, but it just broke my heart so I sold it.  I am now contemplating selling the house Don built and lovingly maintained for 26 years, but I can hardly say it without crying my eyes out.  I feel like I would be leaving him.  It's a large home and a huge yard that takes TONS of maintenance.  Can you tell me how you feel about your home today?

At 5:23pm on January 2, 2013, OHRJ said…
Thanks. I think it will. Looking forward to great discussions.
At 5:57pm on December 18, 2012, sandytoes said…

Thank you so much for friending me, Mariann.  So sorry for your loss.  It sounds as if his attack was a shock even tho he had problems many years ago.  It so hard to believe they're really gone, sometimes, isn't it?

 
 
 

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