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Willie I understand and that is a very large burden your putting on yourself. But just maybe you could step back and look at it another way. You said you and your wife had always talked about everything, so do you think maybe she knew how much pain it brought you to talk about her passing. The same with her passing in the 5 min. you were gone. Maybe she just loved you so much she couldn't let go while you were there with her. My husband promised me he would fight for me, and he did. I also didn't talk to him about his passing, I just couldn't. But the night before he passed I finally had to except that we couldn't win this battle, but he just wouldn't let go. I finally told him I didn't want him to fight for me any more, it was ok for him to let go. I knew he was so tired and had been sleeping for almost two days. He passed the next day, and I think he was only holding on for me to be ready for him to go to lessen my pain. Just maybe your wife was trying to lesson yours. They both knew how much they we're loved I'm sure of that. Peace be with you. Lisa
I have thought so much about the guilt but I look at it in a little different way I think. I need someone or something to blame for taking this wonderful man away from his family, friends, co-workers and everyone else here on earth. He had a heart of gold, and beautiful artistic way with everything he did. I need a reason why he was taken, why god would want to take all the beauty he had to share away from the world. So the only thing I could come up with is some how it must have been my fault, I was the one making all of the medical decisions. I must have made a mistake. I think I'm just not ready to except that even if you do everything right bad things still happen. That tells me that it can happen to anyone at any time, I don't think I'm ready for that reality. Plus I tried blaming god but it's hard to be mad at someone you can't see yell at or look in the eye and ask why. I hope some of that makes sense to someone other them me.
I wish you a little more peace and healing with each passing day.
Yes Willie I think most of us feel guilt of one kind or another. I myself feel guilty because I told my husband that if he agreed to fight with me I just knew our love was so strong I know we could beat his cancer. I wanted to save him so bad and I know I did everything I could have. but the reality is he's gone so I didn't. When KC got sick he turned his life totally over to me, he even made his Doctors talk to me instead of him. So I made all the decisions for his care, so I sit a wonder did I miss something, did I pick the wrong doctors.....and the list can go on forever. One day we have to realize we loved them and that means we did everything we could to save them because we didn't want to loss them. One day we have to forgive ourselves even though we have nothing to be forgiven for.
I'm so sorry for your loss Willie, but I'm glad you've found us. This journey is a painful one and no one should have to travel it alone. This is a wonderful community filled with kind, caring people. You will find great comfort and understanding here. Welcome.
Welcome Willie: I'm sorry for your loss but I'm glad you found your way to this site. I hope you will find the same comfort and understanding here at WV that I have. In the beginning I just read the blogs and posts and lurked in chat. Post and join us in chat when you feel comfortable. It is nice to be among people who "Get It".
I'm so very sorry for your loss, Willie, but glad you found us. There is caring support and friendship here. Join the Groups that fit you to connect to others with similar experiences. Take a look at our Forum discussions where you'll find meaningful conversations taking place. Those 'chirps' you hear when you're in Widowed Village mean people are talking in the Chat Room; stop in some time and join the conversations. I look forward to getting to know you here.