my grief is a child
wild and unpredictable
stormy and sweet
whiny with dirty fingernails
and sticky fingers.
I need time away
and yet, I also can not stay
because it needs me
and I am in love.
It is my child-
our child that we made
It is what is left of us
It is full of us
always just around the
playful and demanding
with wet kisses.
I have been away for just over a week, I flew out to Broken Hill as the distance is too great to drive alone. I stayed with one son and together we drove for seven hours to visit my other son and his family. This is the only way I have managed to do that trip. I stayed with my younger son at a time when he had his daughter on access, we had a few fun days and then she got sick and we had two unhappy days with her. That is life when you have a pre-schooler and he always says he loves her…Continue
Today one year ago was Sandy's funeral. The last time I was able to tuck her in to rest peacefully forever. Sandy always went to bed well before I did most nights and I would frequently come up to bed and have to remove her glasses and tuck her in as she would fall asleep reading or watching tv. So one year ago today when I tucked her in and covered her up in the casket is a memory I will never forget. Don't get me wrong it was tough then and also thinking about it now, but am grateful I was…Continue
It's been 13 months. My wife Carla died June 12, 2016. Sunday is her birthday but she's dead so she's not getting any older. I am 47 and I get older every year, but Carla will always be 56. If I ever hear anyone complain about turning 60, I want to punch them.
I was doing reasonably well. In fact, I'm much better now…Continue
Added by The Hungover Widow on July 17, 2017 at 2:46am — No Comments
Just saw a movie recently where it was obvious the older woman could not let go of the past and I could see how that was hindering her progress in life. I know sometimes that is so me. I want things to be the way they were at some point in my life long gone that I considered looking back was the ideal life. If that can't happen I think I want my present life to be based on that. Well guess what? that is never going to happen. When Ray had the stroke in 1999 I was 43, working part-time,…Continue
It's been 5 years for me. We were married for 28 years. For most of us, things do improve with time. We adjust to this "new life" and we have such a sense of gratitude for so very much! Wishing all the best for you!
There are so many possible combinations in this world.
We travel here, there and everywhere!
We meet so many people.
We do so many things.
We make so many choices. …
Ten years ago today, I married the love of my life.…Continue
Too many times now I have been struck down in sharp grief and reacted in ways I didn't think were lifelike. I keep sailing through this sea, sometimes foggy sometimes not. I get that this is fairly new to me. I get that my journey is only just beginning. I get that there are new surprises around every corner. I just find it startling when my reaction is stronger than expected.
A few months ago I woke screaming from a deep sleep because I heard Vicky screaming for help, as she had…Continue
Added by The Hungover Widow on June 29, 2017 at 4:18am — No Comments
I hate that helpless feeling that comes when something goes wrong in the family and I just know there is nothing I can do to alter what is happening. I know if Ray were still alive that he would have a contribution to make in the present situation. I know that on my own I will not jump into the car and go out and help, but if there were two of us that would happen. This is when being a widow sucks, when you need two wise heads in a situation. So I consulted my daughter and she said:…Continue
‘There is nothing that can replace the absence of someone dear to us, and one should not even attempt to do so. One must simply hold out and endure it. At first that sounds very hard, but at the same time it is also a great comfort. For to the extent the emptiness truly remains unfilled one remains connected to the other person through it. It is wrong to say that God fills the emptiness. God in no way fills it but much more leaves it precisely unfilled and thus helps us prese…Continue
I just came to work. I didn't know what else to do. I don't really want to be here, but I think home would just be depressing. Well, it's all depressing. But I didn't want to be alone, and I still hear a voice telling me that no one cares and to shut up and get over it. So I didn't want to ask anyone to come over, just to keep me company. So work it is.
Once I thought I'd love to not have to go to doctors appointments every week, multiple times a week. Now I'd give…Continue
Winter weather is cold and wet again, we need the rain for crops further up the valley and to refill the local water supply so not a lot of point in complaining, winter will pass in time and it will be Spring again. I have been doing some of the needed outside work between rain periods so managed this afternoon to repot some of the bromeliads and weed some of the many pots around my back yard. It is not what I want to do but provides a reason to get up each morning and gives me something…Continue
My latest article is in the wonderful online publication "Modern Loss." It's a father's day tribute to my dad who raised me after my mom died when I was ten. We became even closer when he helped me see that life could still be worth living after I lost my George in 2013. Here it is if you'd like to read it: http://modernloss.com/father-grief-mentor/ I so appreciate your patience with my posting links instead of actual…Continue
I know Pandora learns its listeners preferences, but I still don't think it's a coincidence that tonight I've heard If I Die Young, I Can Only Imagine (Shane's funeral song), Die A Happy Man, and now Marry Me (Shane and I's song). I think this was to get my attention, and then the next couple of songs played, some new to me, some I needed to listen again to the lyrics:
You're Not Alone by Meredith Andrews
Today is Bob's 10th year anniversary ...
Today our 23 year old daughter was diagnosed with MS ...
Today my 32 year old nephew was diagnosed with tumors on his pituitary gland ...
Two days after Bob's death, I had a dream of my daughter & nephews w/ravens flying around ...
Never could figure out why this particular nephew was in the dream instead of his brother who died 9 months prior ...
Not only is today's date darker, it is sadly more meaningful…Continue
Hello. I am new to this site. I lost the love of my life to cancer two weeks ago. We were married for 21 years and have two children ages 18 and 15. Beyond the feeling of grief I have never felt before in my entire life- that comes in incredible waves out of nowhere at any time of the day...I find myself having trouble grasping that this is my new world. Who EVER thinks they are going to come part of a sight like this. I find it surreal at times. To think about the fact that John will no…Continue
We came to Australia when I was seven, a family of four as I had a younger sister who was four. We didn't have much as we had lived in a rented house in England and got little for the furniture we sold. But both Mum and Dad were determined to make a better life in Australia and they did. It was very hard at first as they had no backup from family, my sister really got sick and some of what they had was spent on medical bills and my Mum couldn't find a job. She took a job as a housekeeper…Continue
Farewell to the man I love
When I was sitting out on the deck last night I noticed a single star. With the clouds so thick you couldn't see the moon, I knew it had to be you, and although I miss you so much I realized that you weren't gone at all. In fact you are and always will be alive in our hearts and memories.
I can see you tinkering with your candles, riding on your harley and constantly building something. You lived to be outside, you were happy most any place, it…Continue
Added by sandi on May 29, 2017 at 4:35pm — No Comments