Today marks 3 months that I am without my beloved husband Mike. Every day gets harder and harder to go on without him. I feel like such a different person today than I was before he passed, The me that I was have died with him. I feel like I am only existing but not feeling. I am numb inside. I have no desire to do anything, It is so difficult to sleep and it is difficult to wake up without him. I often ask myself if I was a good enough wife and think of ways that I could have been better, I…Continue
I just wanted to share that I recently published a book on my grief and continued grief. It is all about my spouse who I lost last September - it is a book of poetry entitled My Groans Pour Out Like Water you can find it on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Groans-Pour-Out-Like-Water/dp/1987460162/) here and read some of the reviews on Goodreads here (…Continue
I am lonely, no getting over that fact. I can be out among people all day but I come home to an empty house. After almost six years I am still not used to that. Sometimes when I am sittting here on a cold winter's night when there is nothing worth watching on the television, when I've finished my latest book and become bored with handcraft, I can find myself with too much time to think. Tonight is one of those nights. So I thought about family life, how it was when we were first married, as…Continue
Today is one of those days, I woke up and realized I was alone. I'm not sure why I was shocked about that, my very first thought was to wonder where Jerry went and why he didn't wake me up. Then it hit me, these thoughts came in such rapid succession that I scarcely had time to blink. While I was still sitting on the side of my bed I thought, great, now I've set the tone for my day and haven't even stepped foot onto the floor.
Hours later, it's rainy and overcast the house is…
I having been thinking a lot lately, essential to who I am. Lately I cannot help but try and sort out my life as it is, and what it may look like in the future. For the last nearly two years, I struggled with what I thought was singular grief at the loss of my husband, the loss of our relationship and our future together. I came to realize that yes, that is the considerable cause of my sadness, but I came to another conclusion that may apply to others in my age group as well (born in the…Continue
I don't know about all of you, but I should not shop alone. My wife knew this, and would be sure to go with me if I went anywhere other than the grocery store, and even that could be dangerous. I always got what was on the list, but there was always something else that ended up in the cart. When we were shopping together, all it took was that glance from her and the thing went back on the self and I went back to pushing the cart. Now don't get me wrong and think I was the only one who…Continue
I was going through the closet today and found the garment bag with our wedding clothes in it..my breath caught in my chest for a minute. I haven't forgotten about them...I've always known they are there..every time I go into the closet I feel them. That sounds weird but its true. I took the bag down and walked into the bedroom and sat down on the side of the bed..holding the bag close as tears started to fall. Slowly I unzipped the bag and took out a black tux and a box that holds a red…Continue
My wife and I were not pack rats so much as we just had a habit of collecting things beyond our house's ability to accommodate :D. We had hobbies that were varied and sometimes difficult to support in a small city house of 1200 sqft (and 1200 poorly laid out sqft at that). So we had boxes in the attic and in our dens that were full of various projects we were working on. Over the last 8 months I have wondered into my wife's den about 5 times, maybe a couple more than that when searching…Continue
Exactly 3 months ago today my world was shattered and I lost my only true love and my soulmate. People keep telling me the heartache I feel will become more and more bearable. Right now I don't see how that will ever be possible. Even after 50 years together (over 47 married) we were looking forward to the future. We still had so many plans and dreams. Despite his illness (he was on dialysis) we had learned to navigate around his treatments and we still managed to travel and do the things we…Continue
Heard that one in a book I was reading’ basketcase in a nanosecond.’ Im way back to thoughts I had the first day. The sadness is back not that it was gone but there’s a heaviness to it. I was trying to do a workout yesterday morning and in the middle of it BAM it hit me. I kept going but my steps were heavy and lost energy. Now sleeping is more disruptive. Wake up in the middle of the night crying and with anxiety. I have to get up rock in my chair the rest of the time .…Continue
50 years ago yesterday Ray and I got married. It was a warm day for winter as today was and we got married at my local church and went to an old dance hall nearer to his family's home where family and friends had gathered for a fancy supper and some dancing. A work colleague describd it as a "real hillbilly wedding" and it certainly wasn't formal and with the dancing to a three piece band it was quite an energetic affair. My Mum and mother-in-law handled the catering to the satisfaction of…Continue
All it took was one manila envelope.
It was Saturday evening, and the girls and I were trying to have a relaxing evening after a long day spent at the zoo. Everyone was tired, but refusing to rest. So tempers were a little short and moods were a bit sour. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything. At one point, I realized I hadn’t checked the mail, so I went outside and did so.…Continue
This weekend I became a first time Grandmother. This sweet little girl wrapped me around her finger instantly. I cried and laughed and hugged and kissed...but as I was leaving my driveway to go to the town when my daughter lives I had a bit of a melt down. As I was sitting there waiting for the gate to close it hit me that I would be driving back in with a changed heart. And in that moment I needed Howard so incredibly much...and he was not here..I could not get out of the car and go…Continue
After 7 years I hoped I would be better at this. This morning I am having a very hard time. Two weeks after losing my husband I found a job. I met a lady there that helped me make it through each day. She was so good and kind to me. Friday night she lost her husband. My heart just breaks for her. He had lost his insurance when he had to quit work because he got sick. Now he is lying in the morgue until she can figure out how to bury him or what to do. I can't imagine having to do this. It…Continue
(Today’s blog post title is thanks to a comment made by MartyG that I saw on WidVille one day while reading old blog posts.)
I’m acknowledging a hard time with my grief work right now. I don’t feel like I’m thriving, not even really living...just surviving. I judge my every move (or lack of movement…) right now. I know I’m my harshest critic. I am so incredibly inpatient and unforgiving of myself. I know I’m…Continue
The sculptor has been widowed but says he was given "a second slope in life" where he's able to enjoy…Continue
So I have been off for a while, very busy at work and taking a much needed vacation during the week of the fourth where I kept myself mostly away from electronics except for a few times where I acted as the group accountant :D. It dawned on me while I was away how many times I was hunting for a pronoun. People are probably saying what do you mean, hunting for a pronoun. Well for 23 years, really 27, things weren't mine or hers, they were ours. It wasn't me, it was us, there was no I it…Continue
Six months into this grief journey. One week shy of six months into this new job. And I finally had my first unscheduled time off due to my grief today. Honestly, I’m pretty proud of that. Yes, I’ve taken a planned mental health day here or there.
Sleeping poorly the past couple weeks has finally caught up to me. My energy tank was depleted to Empty. First, both girls were in bed with me all night. One of the girls…Continue
I posted this elsewhere but thought I would post it here too.
I have found in talking to others and also in this group that many people don’t like to use the word died or death or dying. They tend to use euphemisms like “passed”, “passed away” or “passed on”. I always say my wife died or she is dead. I found this article particularly interesting in discussing why people do this, especially the part about explaining death to…Continue
(Marcus and I were only married one week shy of four months when he was killed in a work accident. We’re only 32. We’d only been together for a little over 2 years. We spent 15 years apart before reconnecting (high school sweethearts). I’ll write a more in-depth post at some point about my story, but that’s the Cliff Notes version for reference on this post.)
So many people try to compare their hurts and trials to…Continue