When Tom first died I didn't have many dreams. It may be because I didn't sleep much and when I did it was only for short periods of time. After a few months and things started to "settle" (for lack of a better term) did I begin to have dreams on Tom. The majority of my dreams were that he was still alive and this was a big mistake. He was pulling off a massive prank and he was indeed live and well. Dreams of this sort have continued until last night. Last night is the first time I had…Continue
I've always had a bad memory. So bad my mother has once commented that she would never want me to be her alibi since I don't even remember what I did yesterday and she would surely go to jail if she had to rely on me to bail her out. My husband was my memory. He would remember all the places we took the kids, or the little stories when we were there. Don't get me wrong I do remember things, just not everything. He remembered everything. My kids ask me now about stories and they just…Continue
I know I never heard of this term or came to the realization that I was “different“ in having this trait until after you were gone, but somehow it seems such a weight to carry without you.
It is worse as I get older, but I suppose that is not unusual. The loud noises, bright lights, crowds, and so much information coming from all directions. Sometimes it all overwhelms me.
Yesterday was our grandson’s 11th birthday, which I can hardly believe such time has passed. He enjoyed…Continue
Hello, everyone. I am new to this club. I lost my husband of 35 years ( 2 1/2 weeks short of 36 years) on May 8th, 2019. Wow, writing that was hard! I have a hard time expressing myself, so I will keep this short. My husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on Jan 30th, 2019. He went fast. In 36 years I had only seen him sick once, he had a very bad case of bronchitis. I still can't believe he is gone, I am lost without him! I have no support system whatsoever. The last 14…Continue
It will be 2 years August 16 that I found my husband dead in our car, he was waiting for me while I had my Mom at an appointment. I came out and he was slumped over steering wheel, I thought he was sleeping, but when I touched him, I knew. The EMT worked on him for over 15 minutes, then transferred him to the hospital where a Doctor pronounced him dead. The rest of that afternoon is still a blur, and the days following. The past couple of months I am more sad and depressed, our 30th…Continue
20 yrs ago i net her in an aol chatroom. we did chat alot then phone till late at night a yr later she moved from rockwood tn. to here. we had so many great yrs. she loved to mow the yard,watch the walking dead and go to wal-mart. about 2 yrs ago her back got worse so i did everything . was glad to do it. last winter she got a sore throut that was more in her mouth. first doctor thought thrush. then different medicine then specialist. said burning mouth syndrome ,no cause no cure.she could…Continue
I reflect a lot of the state of the world and how you would feel were you still here. I secretly am glad you are not. I will persevere on behalf of us both. It is my sacrifice to you as I know your temperament could never tolerate for very long all the chaos erupting daily. At least not without putting individuals in their places, perhaps not in such a socially accepted manner : - 0
That leaves me with the double labor of complaining and being on the opposite side of the world…Continue
It has only been 2 months since George's death and the loneliness clings to me like a wet shirt. I knew when I married him that this day would come too soon as he was 14 and a half years older than me. Even with his death, I don't regret my decision to marry him. As the Garth Brooks song says... I could have missed the pain, but I would have missed the dance. For me, one of the worst things is having to put on the act of a happy face when I am dying inside as no one wants to be around…Continue
In 199O I was a very busy person. I had two teenaged boys and a 21 year old daughter, I was doing a course in Office Management at a local Technical College and still doing Tupperware parties, church activities etc. I badly needed a break. Our local radio station had a competition where you answered five questions for $90. This was the exact price of a flight to one of the country towns we had lived in when Ray was a Fisheries Officer where old friends had asked us to an anniversary party.…Continue
In less than a month I will be hitting the one year mark of losing my husband. I am a mix of emotions. I'm amazed that the year has gone so quickly and I accomplished the things I did, not because I was so motivated to do them but because they were a necessity. It saddens me that I had to make decisions on my own. Tom and I made decision about the house, a new car, kids, family, trips, money, even what to have for dinner, we made those decisions together. For the past year I have made…Continue
I have run out of interesting things to do. I posted that on my Facebook page and got a mixture of comments. Some people claimed to be very busy, some gave me a run down on what they are doing to keep occupied, some had some suggestions for me. Our restrictions are lifting a little and so one of the groups I belong to that were going to be having a picnic in the park on a very rainy day instead booked a table for five in the restaurant of a local Club . One of the ladies said it was her…Continue
Death anniversary "UM NO THANX"
I DONT WANT TO CELEBRATE A DAY I WISH NEVER HAPPENED.YOU KNOW WHAT DAY I WISH WOULD HAVE BEEN CELEBRATED BUT NO ONE ACKNOWLEDGED MY ANNIVERSARY OR I WISH I COULD HAVE CELEBRATED VALENTINES DAY LIKE WE DID EVERY YEAR MY HUSBAND AND I. HE ALWAYS MADE IT SO SPECIAL.
Celebrating the day…
I'm such a visual person, I began thinking about what it looks like to continue to grow as a person through grief while posting to "There's a Hole" ---my thoughts wandered to the trees I've seen high up in the mountains standing tall and strong all the while rooted in rock. I visualized what the little seed must have gone through while it continued to thrive. I choose to believe those types of illustrations are God's way of showing us we can both survive and…Continue
I am searching for people (men or women) in similar situations as what I am experiencing. My wonderful wife of 23 years passed away 10 weeks ago after a 5 month illness. I am faced to deal with everything - is anyone else like this and feeling overwhelmed or who I can converse with about picking up the pieces ? I have two wonderful sons, not little but not on their own yet, two dogs and work a full time job (more than 40 hours/week of responsibility). Time to grieve and dwell on the past…Continue
One of the things I have learned about the grief of a spouse that quite surprised me really, is that I'm not just grieving the loss of my soulmate. I'm grieving the loss of part of myself. I feel like the best part of me, that person he fell in love with, died when he did. I used to have this incredible zest for life. To me, each new day with him was an exciting new adventure. I viewed our world with optimism and childlike wonder as long as he was in it.…Continue
It's been a long time since I became a Widow. Over 8 years have past since that previous life- it's like a previous reincarnation of myself- so far separated are the two of us. Her with the husband and the promise of new adventures. And me.
It's a funny thing what your mind does with painful memories. Over time, like the river smoothing down the rough edges of a sharp stone, it bends and softens them. At first, you grasp onto them so tightly, that they are difficult to unwind. But…Continue
When Tom died I relied a great deal on friends and family, like I'm sure we all did and possibly still do. I would not throw away my friends for a thousand years, they have been my strength. I have a few very close friends that I basically talk to about everything I am thinking and going through, this is why I say I don't need therapy, I have my friends to talk to. Friends that I don't have to tell my back story to, friends that know what I have been through and just know who I am. I'm…Continue
I haven't written here in quite a while. I have been dealing with the loss of my husband through the waves that hit me sometimes with knowing and sometimes without. It's a struggle day to day to move on and realize that my life does have meaning. Now my worst are the fears and anxiety that builds in me. I am so lonely for companionship. I know to some, this is wrong, but I can't help it. I want and need to feel alive again. The loneliness kills me deeply. I went on dating apps…Continue
As a family we all enjoyed sitting together on Wednesday evenings and Watching Modern Family. There was one particular episode in which the Claire, Phil and the kids were out with an old car and the car starts rolling down this big hill and Claire yells to Phil, "What's the plan Phil?" After that episode the kids would repeat that line to their father countless times.... what's the plan Tom.... not once did in our wildest dreams think that this was the plan, because it wasn't, it isn't.…Continue
but no one hears
If in a dream
though no sound comes out
My head below the surface
of a water so deep
in the deception
of an imposed silence
This second language
so painful to learn
I stumble on my words
that many will not hear
and few will understand
Added by Tess on May 27, 2020 at 6:00am — No Comments