All Blog Posts (2,971)

I get it.  I've got it.  I understand.  STOP beating it into my sorry ass brain!  You all tell me at 3.5 months I am still too early, too raw, too new, too whatever.  WHAT EVER!!!!  If ANY of you have seen my entire blog (are you kidding, four entries!) you know my soul.  PERIOD.  

I need some input.  There are a lot of people out there who will look at this.  MOST of you have been where I am right now.  Because of my effort and many people I have had in my life, I think (don't hold…

It was on this Friday before Memorial Day, a year ago, that the doctor took me into the hallway and told me that it would be irresponsible of him if he didn’t tell me that he thought Ron had 24-48 hours to live. A year ago that I asked Susan to bring the girls to the hospital to say good bye to their daddy in case he didn’t make it home. A year ago that I chose the wrong hospice to help us.  A year ago that Anne called Steve and Ed and told them to hurry back home from Indiana and Colorado.…

Photo courtesy of Kookai_nak at freedigitalphotos.net

Earlier this month, I went to the funeral for Tom’s Dad.

At the luncheon afterward, I took up Tom’s great-nephew, Parker, the little guy who was born…

Photo courtesy of Kookai_nak at freedigitalphotos.net

Earlier this month, I went to the funeral for Tom’s Dad.

At the luncheon afterward, I took up Tom’s great-nephew, Parker, the little guy who was born too soon, little over a month after Tom’s death, to a…

I think what is so unfair about those long term illnesses is that they rob so many people, yourself, your family, the siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, old friends and neighbours, of what life would have been like if you were your normal, healthy self. I think back to the 13 years Ray lived here with me looking after him and see the toll it took on our relationships with so many people.  The reason no friends come around now to comfort me is that one by one they faded away, unable to cope…

In the time since Tom’s death, there have been four major national news stories that consumed the air waves and newspaper pages.

First there was the Newtown shootings; then the Boston Marathon bombings; in Cleveland earlier this month three women who’d been kidnapped years ago were found in a house, where they’d been held captive for years; and now, there is the Oklahoma tornado. (I opt to not provide links because, if you wish, you can Google the events named above, it would…

Before you choose not to read this, that is not a declarative, TMI statement about my hygiene routine.

It is a “working title” for a theoretical book I would write about grief.

If you’re a woman, maybe you can appreciate how significant an act shaving of the legs is. It is something we all do frequently during the week without giving it much thought beyond “is it bad enough that I have to shave today?”…

I just returned from my California trip.  My Mother and Aunt reuniting after not seeing each other for years was heartwarming.  I am happy that I could make that possible for my Mother.  I had a okay time, was mainly thinking of my Husband, who died 69 days ago.  I didn't want to be a downer, so I put on a smile and acted like everything was fine.  I was glad to get home this morning to my own surroundings where I feel comfort.  I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.  I don't want to be around…

I was widowed in November 2011.  It's a shame that I didn't find this site at the time, a blog like this would have been useful as I was trying to make sense of where I was and where I was going. All-in-all I'm OK at the moment, but I've still got quite a lot to work out about this…

Some days, if I just don't let myself look back, I can forget all that has happened. But then May comes along and the memories of the lack of help, overwhelming stress, heartbreak at seeing Michael so ill, missing having time by his side as I tried to 'do it all and please all' instead of anyone around me looking to cover and care for me...without directions...just hits me. I want to go back and say to hell with everyone and be a "B" and tell all to 'F off'. Michael asked me to 'just take me…

“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.”

―Phillip K. Dick, I Hope I shall Arrive Soon…

I can hardly stand hearing that other's have moved on.....should I really be happy for them? Gawd that sounds horrible. I can't even feel happy for myself. 

Having lost my Daddy 7-1-12 then my spouse 10-1-12 I don't really understand how others can be happy and still talk of marriage I just flat out don't get…

June 2nd is fast approaching. The one year anniversary of John's passing is approaching. Each day I have had him in my mind, though I will be perfectly honest  in the beginning I mourned the loss. No more. I will NOT look on the day with dread, with mourning. I thought that's what I was suppose to feel,but I should not conform to what society expects me to feel.  I spoke to my ministers (I know two of them) and they put things in a…

It started 6 years ago, I’d patched him together so many times, but the stitches just wouldn’t hold.  Dialysis would help give him time until he could get a kidney they said; more patchwork on the worn afghan that was his life.  But it caused more stress on the worn yarn.  And the well loved life of my dear Mark was starting to fade, all the patches made that afghan…

It seems like we have instructions for everything.  Instructions for putting things together like bicycles, grills, using hand tools, coffee pots, microwaves, washers, dryers, lawn mowers, downloading and installing software.  I have found that LIFE does not come with a set of instructions nor does this journey through widowhood.

We just muddle our way through the journey of widowhood stumbling along the way, falling down, getting back up with some scrapes and bruises along the way. …