January 2012 Blog Posts (118)

I am filled with such anxiety about my return to work, it was not a happy place of emoloyeement and I was never anyone's favorite.  I just did my job, I voiced my opinion on certain things which I thought was wrong, but nothing got done about it, after all its Corporate America they will always protect the bosses..  

I am expected to be in work at 8, I plan on going in earlier so i can be at my desk and ready before anyone shows up.  Unfortunely I will be sharing an office…

This is a song I started last Spring. I just finished it. I hope my wife can hear it. She died from cancer in October 2011

"What I Mean When I Say Love"

Well there’s a fever breeze and it suffocates the air

Blowing in from sour seas tangling your Saturday night hair

And you don’t feel so pretty, but you still play the part

The beautiful redeemer of my sin-infested heart

You mourn the ghost of your old self, you’ve dreamed…

   I'm not sure if I believe in signs or not, but last night the strangest thing happened. To start with this past week has been getting more and more difficult for me. Not really sure why, but then nothing has made alot of sense to me for the past year from my husbands illness to this grief journey.

   So last night I was just sitting in my livingroom and crying. I looked out the window and saw one of the biggest hawks I've ever seen sitting in the tree in my front yard. Now I've…

Sometimes I wonder why I'm here.. Its been 4 years.. but this is what i decided.  This journey is long going. There is not a time when a magic wand is waved and we are "healed" I have decided, that is ok.. its not the end of the journey that is important, its that we are constantly moving.. Sometimes that is a step back.. but as long as the next day. we move forward again, we are progressing. Sometimes we need help, we need to feel not alone, some days will always be hard and we may always…

I am so anxious today. I feel like I am on the break of completely losing it. I don't ask for much in life. Just to have a place to sleep. That is ALL i ask that is constant and safe. I have given up on everything else, but I can't do this.

I feel like a shadow of who I used to be. Dark, flat, varying in size and shape depending on how the sun is shining and when it is cloudy out, I disappear. So much of my light has been taken from me. I feel like you should be able to see through me, see the darkness, the sadness, and maybe you do. Even if you can't see it, you know that it is there because my light is missing. My light, my Brian, is gone. He filled me with light, even on cloudy days. He promised me a long time ago that he…

Dear Steve,

I look at pictures of you, and I feel I can reach out and touch you. I can hear you laughing, I can hear you talking, I can feel you. I see you. In those pictures, your presence is so grand. It doesn't seem like you are gone! You are right there! In those pictures, still making memories with us.

It doesn't seem right or fair or just. There you are, in those pictures. Right. There. Slideshows on my computer screen, they are so vivid. I swear I can feel the fabric of…

Yesterday was out monthly anniversary and as usual it is a day that I just naturally observe, because that is something that Greg and I did when he was here.

Plus I’m a girl. Come on that’s probably something that most girls do.

As I’m sitting here once again faced with a dilemma that I have gotten myself into over pictures of us, I see all things, things that used to be and that no longer are. And I found myself asking myself, “Who is the ghost…

Well where do I start. To those who have started dating again or have a new person in there life or are in the next relationship after their partner died. I don't really know where to start or what to ask. I have met someone new who is happy to spend time with us at the moment which is great. I met him on the camping trip we did.

Funny I thought when I did meet someone again it would take awhile for me to introduce him to the kids.  In this scenario he met us all at the same time. …

Usually my blogs are a little bit funny, a little bit hopeful, a light read,a different way to look at things on this journey of widowhood. 

This week I have been angry at myself by something that happened earlier in the week.  I agreed to meet with some of Keiths (girl) friends that I have not seen since he died 2 1/2 years ago.  They are not close friends of mine, but I did know them thru the bar that Keith had worked at.  Lunch started out innocently enough, catching up, laughing,…

So as I said before I was unsure what to do about my husband's 50th birthday this past weekend, the first since his passing last July. I thought that I wanted to keep it small just the kids and myself. After I talked to both my kids that is what we decided to do.

My daughter baked him a cake which he would have loved because he hated store bought cakes. We decorated it and sang happy birthday to him. For the actual birthday we went out for brunch to his favourite mom and pop…

I miss Brian. That goes without saying, but tonight, I REALLY miss him. We ( I ) have these four great kids, but being an only parent is hard. Brian for the most part was the disciplinarian in the house. He was SO worried that he was going to die and leave me alone with four unruly, disrespectful, lazy kids that he was pretty hard on them. When I say hard, I mean he was adamant about making them clean ALL the time. It was not uncommon for them to be actively playing with something and he…

   Why doesn't anyone listen to us when we talk? I have tryed to explain to people what it feels like to be a widow. They ask so I've told them, I know others miss my husband, but their life goes on. They mourned him and now it's back to everyday life for them. Yes I'm sure they still think about him from time to time and some I know have thoughts of him run through their minds daily. But for us we are reminded with everything we do. It's like a slap in the face everytime we turn around.…

Tonight I went over to my sister's for supper.  I guess they figured they hadn't heard from me in a while and wanted to do something nice.  The thought of going over there was unnerving to me, don't get me wrong, I love my sister and her husband and I adore my new baby niece, ...but that's just it...they are living the life that I was supposed to have. Although I was dreading it, the idea of a home cooked meal suddenly seemed very appealing to me (its been soo long since I've cooked for…

 here in this forum  and somehow feel I don't fit in, after reading many posts from those who lost their husbands after 20/30/40/ years.there is not too much for me to contribute or lament about other then the loneliness we all share is equal no matter how many years you had together.I miss John's presence, his hugs, his laughter our sharing of each day, good or bad, of which were many.My biggest problem is getting over guilt that I could have done so much more for him and not been impatient…

I have been in a bubble for months. I feel like I am watching as all of my friends move on with their lives and the death of my husband no longer has the impact on them that it did. The bubble keeps them from seeing the pain that I am in. Sometimes I can break through and for brief moments I am truly happy, maybe even laughing some. It doesn't take long though and I am back inside the bubble. The bubble has carried me through the last 21 weeks without Brian. The widow bubble has protected…

Dear Gordon,

You died yesterday and I have been a bucket of tears.  I keep thinking about the night before when you thought you were having a heart attack.   We should have done something about it then.   You might still be alive today if we had.   I think that is what you died from.  

I have talked to Paula, Lori, Susan, and James.   James thanked us for being good friends and wished he had seen us more often.   He told me to call him even if it was just to cry.  

Vicki…

It's getting harder and harder to write blog posts. 

7 months ago today I lost my handsome hubby. I don't know where those months went....I've felt for the last 2 weeks like I'm waking up, like I was half asleep for the last 6  months and I'm just now waking up. It feels so surreal. All of the sudden over the last couple of weeks the fog is lifting and I'm realizing that he's really gone, he's really not coming back, and the huge impact this has on the rest of my life, now that I am able to look beyond the next 24…