It's very early on with my loss and I realize it takes time.  I also realize I probably will feel single again at some point.  It takes time I know.



I feel very much still part of a loving couple.  Jerry's gone, but I'm not single.  I find it the most unusual feeling I've ever had.  If someone asked me right now, do you have a boyfriend?  My answer would be yes.   



Logically, I haven't had enough time.  I just wish I knew a how and a when I'll ever feel like I'm just…

I didn't ask to be in this war.  I didn't sign up for it, I wasn't drafted, and certainly wasn't trained for it.  Let me backtrack and explain to you how I got here.  I met Keith in 2013.  He was the epitome of all I had ever searched for in a partner.  We were soul mates and we couldn't wait to start our lives together!  I was 34 and he was 35 and we embarked upon a beautiful life together.   He had some heart issues but was on medication and was doing fine until about a month or two before…

Today is the 1 year anniversary of when we received the diagnosis that my husband had 6 months to live.  The day my world was turned upside down.  I really miss him; he was my best friend in so many ways.  He understand me in a way that no one else did; accepted me with all my flaws and silly quirks.  We took care of each other.  My wish is I could have done more.  I wish I had a better hospice company than the one I did.  This company did not provide much support.  

Summer is full on today, hot dry and windy. Going outside for any period is not recommended. On days like this l feel lethargic. What to do? Reading, watching old movies, trying to keep cool.Sometimes it seems as if I just fill in my time.  It is a feature of life for me this summer. Once it would have been a day by the Lake with a picnic basket, or somewhere near  water  but somehow that is not as much fun on my own. I can see how easy it is to become isolated.

To avoid isolation I…

     I love a good joke and it was so hard to get one over on Jerry. This time I got him but good without even trying. We headed off late in the afternoon to Georgia for a family reunion five hour's away from home. A little over halfway through the trip Jerry was tired and decided we needed to stop for the night. It was close enough to get up have breakfast and still get to the reunion on time. He get's us all set up at the Hilton Inn for the night. While laying on the bed discussing dinner…

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/13/sunday-review/how-to-speak-grief.html

The last two days have been miserable to say the least.  Everything, and I truly mean just about everything, has reminded me of my wife.  I saw a picture of a salad today that had pomegranate seeds on it, and thought of her and the bags of frozen pomegranate seeds I now have inherited.  I tried to deal with the old DVD collection and move it into folders out of the cases so it would take less space, and I see so many movies we owned that I just would have zero interest in watching again…

I miss him terribly.

John died on May 24, 2017.  I'm what...almost 8 months out?  I feel like this roller coaster is getting harder. I think I was on autopilot through the first few months.  I had a son to get off to his first year of college in the Fall, a 16 year old daughter starting her Junior year of HS who dances and wanting to make sure she was doing ok and on track.

And now I made it through the holidays....Like what was I thinking??  That there would be an end of some…

A song I wrote many years ago. Who knew how much it would resonate today?

Still





There was a time when all I'd yearned for



Seemed to be the things I'd earned, more



than I'd ever wanted from the start



Then it seemed the tide had turned, Lord,



The waters came, the waters churned, why



does this pain and sorrow pierce my…