I am feelimg sorry for myself. I have been home from hospital for four weeks now. I have got over that first joyful feeling of being glad to be alive, over the dreading a ruptured aneurysm, grateful for the many people who supported me etc. My family love me but as they live a distance away from me it is easy to see it is out of sight, out of mind. My daughter said she would try to get down to see me every week but that was never going to happen was it? I know she is busy with her family and…Continue
My friends are taking my decision to leave Raleigh hard. And I love them all because they held me up when I couldn’t hold myself up. I can no longer deal with being stalked at church and on the internet by his family, and people who have issues because I still make sure I look nice each day. I don’t want to deal with all the things that come at me from his family and from people who mean well...and I have to remember that all the time.
I’m tired of crying when I go on the side of town…Continue
My name is Geoff. My husband Steve died 12/7/2018 after a 4 month battle with colon cancer. We were together for 16 years, married for 4. Being a gay couple has its own unique challenges, even in this day and age. Family will distance themselves and say cruel things. For the longest time, it was just Steve and I against the world. He taught me so much about life. How to believe in myself. What it truly means to be happy.
I remember the last 4 months of Steve’s life. The way his…Continue
I got back home from hospital Tuesday afternoon at the end of a six day stay. My daughter Shirley took me down to the hospital, stayed at my house overnight and came back the next day, then came down to bring me home and stayed overnight to make sure I was safe. Despite me being " an older woman" I healed at the expected rate with no unexpected complications. I was so glad to get home to my own bed!
The operation to clip…
I passed the 1 year mark 9 days ago. My family needed me to be strong so I didn't allow myself to grieve. Things were going pretty well until this past spring, when I unexpectedly slid into depression and crying jags. Almost four months passed and just as I started thinking I was getting back on track, I did an odd thing. I'm not a drinker but 3 weeks ago I bought 3 bottles of bourbon. After some experimentation I decided mixed drinks were my preferred way…Continue
You were in my dreams last night.
You were my dreams last night.
You were my dream for most of my life.
You were my dream before we met.
I haven't been on WV in a while. I guess that means I was doing pretty well and hadn't felt the need to visit. Or sometimes it was just a way to avoid being "pulled into the sadness" again. Not that the sadness ever completely disappears. It's always there, maybe hidden, almost undetectable, but always there. These days I find myself reflecting on those seven years (7 1/2 to be exact) since the love of my life has passed away. As all of you know, the first year was hell. The second year not…Continue
Authentic, Intention, Forever Changed, Becoming
Grief, Loss, Love, Peace, Calm, Happiness, Content
Human, Intimate, Being, Self, Identity
Guilt, Regret, Remorse, Emptiness
Longing, Momentary, Fleeting
So this is going to be a bit of an odd one I think. So I am coming up on my 25th anniversary, and I was walking with a friend through the mall. She roamed off to buy chocolate which didn't surprise me at all :D. I roamed over to the Lego store. Now I hear some of you giggling, I know, weird right? Anyway, I walked in and sitting there on the self was a 50th anniversary Apollo Lander with a Lego mission patch. I tried to turn around and walk out, and I couldn't, I tried not to do it, but…Continue
All of the big anniversaries with Arlene fall between her birthday, May 7th and July 6th. Early June is a killer for me, June 2nd is when she was found unresponsive in her room in the rehab, heart attack and stroke, and she passed on June 10th, yesterday was 4 years. This year, the "season" hit me harder I think than all of the other years, to the point where I was getting physically ill, nerves, stomach and digestive problems. Dammit I'm in year five, this shouldn't be hitting me like this…Continue
So 19 months tomorrow and I am starting to come to the realization that I am not interested in the things I 'should' be doing but I am interested again. I went through a relationship recently which was supposed to be friends and I tried to keep inside that line but my mind slipped well beyond that and when I let the emotion of that out, I scared off my friend and lost a really good friend. It happens, the emotion of two people who lost someone very close to them colliding together clearly…Continue
Sometimes I find myself reliving the past, obsessing over an event or conversation, anything and everything from those last hours in hospice to a vague memory of our very first date and like the lyrics below "I can't get myself to go away".
I'm sorry 'bout the attitude
I need to give when I'm with you
But no one else would take this shit from me
And I'm so
Terrified of no one else but me
I'm here all the time
I won't go away
Today was my birthday. It was unusually cold for the 4th of June with wild winds and heavy rain. I anticipated a nothing doing sort of day but decided to go and have coffee with the Muffin Break gang (mostly six to eight older folks) as I usually do and my daughter came and found me there. She said she had come to take me out to lunch which was lovely. She had checked my home and church first so third time lucky. She wanted her coming down to be a surprise and it was.
Recently I called my investment company to make a withdrawal. The representative, who sounded quite young, introduced himself as Matthew and reminded me that we were on a recorded line.
“Let me look up your account,” I recall him saying after the preliminaries. “I see your husband passed away recently. I’m sorry for your loss.”
Well, time marches on. It's now been about 18 months since the love of my life left this world. I did join a good support group and attended this for about 15 months. But now I am feeling like I need to remove the 'training wheels' and go on my own. I can't say it's particularly easy. It's not. But now I have the perspective that I'm definitely not alone in walking the lonely and harrowing path of grief. I say harrowing because unless someone has actually been through this, they…Continue
I just started my second year of grief. The only difference is it is not as fierce this time. I do not think I am going to die. I realize I will live another year through the grief without him. Grief will not kill you. It only feels like it will.
Over the years, Paul and I enjoyed the support of a local group of parents of kids who have special needs...they are wonderful, and we were blessed over and over for the support we found there. When he died, I was moved from the couples group to the single moms...which I understood, but am unable to embrace. This is part of my farewell email to the head of the group - and part of my new found permission to myself to redefine who I am now...instead of others being allowed t…Continue
Well, they say it gets easier. I wish I knew, if that were true. It’s almost been five months now, and it still doesn’t even seem real. I find my mind wandering, in a fog, just not even functioning at all. I guess if I were to take a poll, people would think that it looks like it’s getting easier, easier than it was 3 months ago at least. Every day, I miss him. Every day, I miss Ericka. I shut my eyes and I imagine them as they were, Ericka in Washington, Rick in his chair. They visit me in…Continue
I'm a few days away from it being 4 months since Jim passed away. A couple people I know and respect came to me last week both with the same concern that I'm not grieving, I'm avoiding. Aside from all the stuff I have had to take care of in the beginning, like we all do, Jim gave me a list of things to do. The first was I couldn't run away, the second make all my appointments and take care of me. Over the last few years I haven't done much of that and he was…Continue
As some of you might know, I've been having one bad thing after another happen recently. Roof leaking, dishwasher breaking, me breaking stuff in the house, never ending home repairs, plus an ongoing health problem. So I was told recently, that my nephew and his girlfriend are expecting a child, this will add Great Uncle to my current title of Crazy Uncle. I am beyond thrilled that this is happening, except for one thing, my nephew's girlfriend and the new addition, will never know Arlene.…Continue