After The Rain 5 ish

It all seemed so eerily familiar, the place I was at now, so recognizably welcoming; I had been here before, and the thoughts of the events that took place at that time both terrified and relieved me.

Yes I had visited that place previously, in now what seemed like a very long ago time.  At that time, as I sat and contemplated ending it all, I looked around me; The project I had been working on was complete, the work had been satisfying and the finished job was well done, the…

I run out of clean teaspoons long before it’s time to run the dishwasher and I run out of clean underpants before I have enough dirty clothes to do the laundry. I can’t eat a whole box of blueberries before they start to spoil and the house is so quiet in the mornings it feels like a morgue---not that I’ve ever been in one to know what they sound like. But I’m guessing the bodies within aren’t throwing a party while the attendant is still wolfing down breakfast.

The bathroom looks…

cruised through my birthday and then last night had a total melt down. and there you have it.

This journey of grief is in constant flow, like a river, its convolutions difficult to follow. No matter how far I come along in my path, there still seems to be times where the grief is overwhelming.  The days, months, and years that have passed since the awful June night sometimes seem like mere seconds to me.  I get dizzy and feel like I am in The Twilight Zone, trapped in some bizzare alternate reality.  My heart feels suffocated by the pain.  I can't induldge in this grief though, I…

Filler Days...

This week been very slow at work.  I didn't work today, so my mind wonders off thinking about Michael.  It's so cold outside at the moment.. suppose to snow today, but no snow yet.  I was planning to stick my tongue out and taste the snow fall... something only a child would do. I want to close my eyes smell the icy breeze, stick my tongue out and taste the snow for Michael... hopefully maybe tomorrow...…

  This is my beautiful Granddaughter Molly, She just turned 8 months old on the 25th, and she is my 9th little girl.

I just got the call that her heart is now ready…

Our Last Monthly Anniversary …

Today has been one of those days where your widda brain tries to…

On another Tuesday, 8 months ago today, I lost my husband...my best friend...the love of my life. The days stack up like a sleeve of Dixie cups, one nestled into another, a blur of hours and minutes and lacking moments. My mind hits replay but the tape is missing in spots...many spots, weeks at a time are erased. I watch from a distance, detached, removed. Sometimes it seems his death was a dream....a nightmare, from which I have not awakened, the days since a continuation of REM lucidity.…

One year will be April 6.  Feel like all that I've accomplished in terms of healing is falling by the wayside.  I'm having panic attacks about my kids dying suddenly.  I am again feeling the physical pain, the absolute raw wound in my insides.

Even the good things that have happened in the last 11 months now piss me off.  Closer to family?  Found a good guy to date?  I RESENT that.  I resent that I have those things because it means I lost Dennis.  The most forgiving, kind,…

this time it was my birthday, and to be honest it wasn't so bad. everyone around me pulled out all the stops which most certainly helped. my mom sent me flowers, something that ken did every year, it was nice, but sad at the same time. my friends were unbelievable, cards, flowers, presents. my family and my husband's family all came over for pizza, i bought the pizza, my son picked it up. no cake no the day of, but we had cake over the weekend. my son's 2 best friends each bought me a card…

Someone said to me “ After all those years it must be really hard being without your partner…”.  

It was a friend so instead of saying what i really wanted to, I replied with some canned response which I cannot remember now.  Later when I recalled the conversation I really thought about what had been asked.  The statement related depth of feeling with time…I’m not so sure it matters.  Do the people who truly care for  and love each other and have been together for 4 years…

In the past 14+ months so many people have told me to, "Please, let me know if you ever need help.  Please let me know what we can do for you.  Anytime."  Well,  I haven't asked often for help, not because I'm superwoman, I'm anything but.  I haven't asked, simply because when I need help it's not something someone else can do for me.  No one else can come sleep w/ me so I hear someone else breathing next to me,  no one else can/needs to sit down and study science w/ my son for his test,  no…

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.”

 That really sounds profound, deep, almost mystical…I saw those words somewhere once and thought ‘…that’s a great statement to impress people with, hung on a wall maybe or displayed on my desk…’, let folks know I have depth, that there's something mystical about me. Today it has taken on a new meaning in my life and I’m not trying to impress anyone. For I have had a…

The first anniversary of the death of my husband was January 20th, 2012. I had blogged about January being an extremely difficult month for me but that I understood that it would be, how could it not be?  It was going to one full year since I saw my 'sweet boy' and longer since I held him and talked to him. Well, February is soon to be done and my mood is still the same - sad, emotional, angry, depressed, lonely, shocked, emotionally spent and exhausted.

I have always been a very…

Even though I am not very far into this journey I've already encountered many here who are further along....and I've learned a great deal from that.  I found this letter of consolation in a book.  It is written by Henri Nouwen.  I don't know anything about him.  But the letter may be worth reading.  I hope it helps someone here.

"Real greif is not healed by time.  It is false to think that the passing of time will slowly make us forget or take away our pain.  I really want to console…

Trying Really Hard ...

I'm trying really hard...

.. not to go crazy tonight.  I miss you so much. I need something to do... its 11:00pm. It's windy outside.



 Without the Antidepressant.. Tonight... I feel...

... lost...

...confused....

...uncertain of my life....

..trying to keep my heads up but it's really hard. I thought it would get better, but feels like I'm back in month no.2…

Can I just say I am sooo over this whole death and grief thing.  I mean it sucks and it is sucking every good thing out of me.

I am seriously considering becoming the crazy lady with too many animals in the neighborhood.  I was at the dollar store and actually looked at those cotton housecoats that Mama used to wear on the Carol Burnett Show. Oh and fuzzy slippers. I could sit outside my little house with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth and a beer in my hand.  I…

My darling Dave, today is our 40th Wedding Anniversary but you are not here to share it with me, I have the cards we sent each other last year but it's not the same as having you here with me, you were the love of my life and always will be. I found this poem and it says it all:

I remember the day I met you, I remember the day God made you mine. I remember how much I loved you, and I will till the end of time. The day we met you changed my life, I was so proud to be your wife.…

Almost every night since Don passed away I’ve been dreaming about him. And in all my dreams he’s like he was before the stroke, walking and talking. Not so surprising considering even my day time memories of him seem to be focusing more on our pre-stroke life together rather than the post-stroke years.  In last night’s dream we were at a high school for a fund raiser and I lost Don in the crowd but I found him again by following his deep, rich voice. I’ve always loved his voice.…