Starting off with a question for those further out than I am. How did you establish a new routine? This has been hard for me after being a visitor to Mum for 11 years and full-time caregiver and then nursing home visitor to Ray. I am 17 months out and I still feel as if I am groping in the dark for a torch to illuminate my path. Just don't know how to find my way forward.
This time of the year (late summer) the days just seem to run into one another, good days, not so good days,…Continue
Phillip died on January 22nd last year (2013).
Today - yesterday would have been his 54th birthday. I celebrated it by buying him a birthday card and crying all day.
Just looking at all the photos, of him, of me, of us -…Continue
I write a lot these days, but I don't share any of it. I keep them to myself. I recently had a friend say I should share some of my writings. Good or bad. I've heard I don't allow anyone in to see my pain. It is true, but what people don't realize, I go through my day in a fog. I really don't have a clue what I am doing right, wrong, what I am sharing not sharing, or saying not saying. I get up (point A) go to work (point B) get home (point C) before I crack from the stress of my new…Continue
Last Wednesday I went to book club. At sixteen months out I’ve tried to keep this monthly lifeline to the outside world intact, as this is a small but devoted group of friends who have been there for me for over a decade now. As an introvert, I realized early on that it would be all too easy for me to retreat from the world, even the good and supportive parts of it, after John died. Therefore, I have tried to find a balance in the seeking of outside support and being my own support since…Continue
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were"
'The Way We Were" - written…Continue
I got up this morning, trying not to think about this day 3 years ago. Oh how I wished I could have known it would be our last day together.
When I went to bed this night 3 years ago, he was quietly sleeping, looking so frail. Not at all the big strong man I knew him to be. We had full confidence he was going to be okay after the surgery and things were improving.
The next morning I woke up to the most terrifying day of my life. The last thing he said was”I am going to pass…Continue
Grieving and Parenting
Two scenes, same day.
I have been a rough patch for a while. The girls have been good. They are upbeat and energized and have even been getting along really well and playing together without screaming or fighting. I hope putting those words to paper didn’t jinx it. But I am in a rough patch where I have to actively fight sliding into depression. I feel it. I feel the heaviness that makes me want to stay in bed, curl up on the couch and do nothing, say…Continue
At fifteen months out from the initial impact of the devastation of my life I sat in the office of a new therapist who asked me straight away, “What are you dreams and goals for your life now that your husband has died?”
I stared blankly, because honestly I didn’t have any, not one. Because as most people who have lost their “person” their “partner” will tell you attempting to cobble a life or even a vision of what you want your life to be after the death of your partner is a…Continue
I have wrote about my husband, Steve and how he passed away, yesterday they started Depositions and I spent 4 hours going over our life together 11 years and I did really good until we got to the accident and then the last few days of his life. Having to tell what happened again and going over the details tore me up. What got to me worse than anything else was the Doctor was there and it seemed like they did not even care, there was no sign or indication they were even sorry I lost my…Continue
I had a busy January so didn't do as much reading as usual. It even included a couple of funerals. I lost so many old friends last year that I seemed permanently sad. I am resolved not to be that way this year. Yes I do miss Ray, no I don't need to say that to everyone I meet now.
I call January "reading month" it is a chance to relax…Continue
I am stuck. Physically, emotionally, occupationally, domestically. Stuck. Inert. Muscles frozen, breath tight. Stuck in this body, stuck in this life. Stuck in this house, this town, this region. I can’t get away from myself.
I keep reading these blog posts about how widows have changed from their loss. I don’t feel changed in a good way. I feel removed from where I was and sent to the back of the line. I feel myself slipping. I was doing pretty well for a while, feeling pretty…Continue
As I sit here, a year after his death, I think of all I have lost without him: his physical presence, his love, his warmth, his hugs, his friendship, his advice, the calmness that no one else but him could make me feel in a frazzled situation, how he would tug at my hands exactly twice as we held hands to cross the street, his scent, his smile, those eyes… any and everything that he was, is what I miss, with every fiber of my being. However, I can also count my blessings: a closer…Continue