Deeper and dimmer is how I describe both how I experience life and how I feel I must surely be perceived by the outside world now. Since John died, with time, there have been moments of peace, moments of awe. I find that I experience the world its beauties, its harshness’s, and its everyday inspirations deeper. I am grateful for the eagles I see most days near my house, I give deep inhaled truly awed prayers of gratitude at beautiful mornings and blazingly glorious sunsets. I am touched to…Continue
I've been having a very hard time sense my father passed away 9 days ago. I don't sleep more then 2 hours a night and even then it's on and off. This got me to wondering if all of our grief gets compounded together. My Husband KC passed away May 14th 2011 and sense that day I've also lost my brother in law, 2 aunts, 4 good friends, my best friend of 45 years and now my Father in less then 3 years.
Do we some how departmentalize them all differently without even knowing…Continue
It feels like the accident never happened. It feels like you are just gone away and will be coming back to me. My mind knows that you died that night but my heart has not received the message. I can barely remember you at times and it's these times I am numb but safe... safe until I'll be doing something that will conjure up a memory of you and then I fall apart all over again. I cannot believe you are gone for good. Nothing makes sense. I never saw this coming. Even if I had how could I…Continue
I've not posted here for a while. There have been a few changes. I 've been going through all the financial stuff and have come to the realization that Hubby has left me with too little funds. I am barely going to have enough to pay the mortgage and utilities. I do have some savings but I need to make them last for about 2 yrs,3 mths. I think I'll have enough each month from those savings to make up the difference.That is when I will be eligible for SS and Medicare. My health insurance…Continue
Disconnected February 23, 2014
Grieving and Parenting
I awoke at 4:30 from a bad dream in which something sinister was going to happen to Sophie. I awoke afraid, wary and with body grief. I tried to go back to sleep but I felt too upset. I also knew that I needed to get up at 5:30 to get Sophie out the door by 6:00 am for a soccer game. I finally started to cry…Continue
On May 24th, 2013 my husband (Douglas) passed from ALS. Today I'm extra sad...then I looked at the date, with tears in my eyes its 9 months today, thats it thats why I'm extra sad.
But. what I have really reflected on is as this month has passed I have had 3 major family events. One event was my mother in laws 80 birthday party (Douglas's Mom) which was about 20 family members. Second event was my sisters and I get together for our annual sisters brunch and yesterday my sons 24th…Continue
When John died time stopped, the world stopped, well for me it did anyway. When it lurched forward and knocked me slightly out of my shocked state there was a difference in what types of stimuli I could handle, could manage to be around. I’ve always been an introvert and enjoyed the quiet of outdoors or soft music. The TV, in my life, has most often been a noise maker that grated on my nerves and psyche but after John died even the smallest sound, the quietest word hurt-it hurt to hear…Continue
I'm feeling frustrated at the moment because I was just finishing a response to Mariposa's post "Sorry, but the Allowable Time Period for Mourning has Expired..." when I accidentally clicked on the X to close the tab as I was going back to it after looking up the correct titles and authors of a couple of books about grief. AAAARGH!!!
I'll share the books here:
Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert
I Can't Stop Crying: Grief and Recovery, a…Continue
Today I missed Ray, yesterday I missed Ray. I miss him every day. Yesterday I missed him because I met a next door neighbour from 20+ years ago, she was about 8 when I last saw her. She said: "I was sorry to hear about Ray." Ray was working back when she lived next door but he would stop what he was doing and talk to the two little girls, her and her sister, through the fence. Children remember things like that.
Another young girl who lived next door later on also remembers Ray's…Continue
That is the expectation that I keep bumping into from well meaning friends and relatives, and those are not the words that come out of their mouths, but it is essentially the message: "Sorry, the allowable time period for mourning has expired." I know that their well meaning words come from a place out of ignorance of not having any comprehension of the heartbreak and devastation of losing a spouse.
I have shared that this month has been hard because of significant…Continue
Hardest part of this new journey for me is family.
I still don't know what to do with them. Couple of them. Any of them. All of them.
I want them to leave me alone, but not too alone.
Just go away, but not too far away.
Please stop asking, but don't stop asking.
I know what they want from me, but I don't want to give it to them, but I really should just let them all have it!
I'm so tired of the fighting. I'm so tired that I comfort…Continue
This morning, I sat for a while thinking of all the changes I've been through since Rod's death. Not physical or situational, although of course there have been PLENTY of those, but within myself. From being the most sad and terrified I've ever been in my life, to being more compassionate than I ever was, to being remarkably strong and utterly vulnerable at the same time. I've always been a pretty good judge of character, but I think my BS radar has taken a dump since Rod left. I've been…Continue
People often talk about moving through grief as being a process of healing, the analogy with physical injuries is that bereavement causes an emotional injury and that grieving is the healing of that injury. I don’t think that analogy works. When Sharon died it felt like a huge chunk had been ripped out of my heart, but looking back now it wasn’t me who changed that night it was the world I was living in that changed. Suddenly being alive hurt, not because I was wounded but because I no…Continue
I just got home from a 3 week long Mission trip to the South Pacific. The first week was spent with 6 others from my home church, a Missionary who lives on American Samoa, and 3 others. This picture was taken at the American Memorial that is at the top of the ridge above where the church meets there. The people of Guadalcanal and the rest of the Solomon Islands are very…Continue
Added by RonB on February 16, 2014 at 12:00pm — No Comments
Today, February 15, marks the day a beautiful tradition started between Elaine and me. I don't even remember what year, but she sent me to the drug store the day after Valentine's day, and all the candy was on sale. I saw a 2.5 pound tub of candy hearts for 50 cents, and couldn't resist it. When I got home and showed her, she flippantly said "What are you going to do, write me a love letter with them?" and went upstairs. That's about all it takes for me, she gave me the idea and I did…Continue
On the 7th of February was 7 months of being a widow. Truth be told, I hate this new path. I'm so angry. At who? Myself, my husband, my new life, my family, my Job, the cat? I can't even tell you for sure. Maybe just me.... maybe all of the above. I just know I hate this new path and i'm so angry. It prevents me from taking those steps to heal. I'm shut in. Shut down. Locked away behind my big picture window. Staring.
Strong. Strong is what I get described as. "You are so…Continue
Today is Valentines Day, and also our Anniversary. What used to be my favorite day of the year, has now become the hardest day to face. What was the night I couldn't wait for, is now what I cant wait to get past. When I should be stopping on the way home to get a celebration bottle of wine to chill, now Im stopping at a fast food place to grab a burger on the way to visit my wife at the cemetery. Today I should be the happiest man on Earth, now I cry and long for what I once had. Tonight I…Continue
I did not cry today. I was not sad today. I did not have regrets today.
Today was not about your absence or your loss.
Today, "our" boys deserved a standing ovation!
It was not the roses. It was not the chocolates.
It was the photo collage they created of every picture of you and I together.
It was our twelve year old and seventeen year old, honoring their mother, their father, and their love for both on Valentine's Day!
My husband and I were hit by a drunk driver on November 1st 2013. Brennan died instantly and by some sort of miracle there was just enough room left in the passenger seat for me to survive. Since the accident I've pushed through the worst, or so I thought. Busied myself with appointments to counselors and psychologists, documenting my progress as confirmation that I was going to get through this. I was doing pretty good, even fooled…Continue