Before Phil died I never questioned my ability to stand on my own two feet. Being in a relationship was something I loved, but I didn't believe that living life as a pair was mandatory for achieving happiness. My husband was my partner and my friend, but we were definitely two individuals with our own opinions and preferences...that didn't always line up. Then the world shifted, Phil died, and I was inexplicably unstable on my previously solid two feet.



Death made…

the day seems good until i wake up the world doesnt seem to welcome me,the morning comes and nothing seems good since you went away,till my eyes shut for the next day to come,i fel death would be a safer and more peacefulplace to go,but the moment my eyes close dreams come and take me away the dreams of you , peace and happy felings we once shared, the warm body and the love we shared,It may only last a few minutes but it gives me strength  for the next day to come,             no matter…

we were talking in the main chat room on wv someone was talking about house cleaning,so i had a funny but true story to share, one day my wife asked me to help dust the house ,so me like the ass that i am i go to the tool she crank up the leaf blower go in the house and start dusting , she laughed , but she never asked again for help dusting .

if i could have just one more day and wishes did come true , i spend every moment side  by side  with you,,all the tears i shed thinking  of the years we shared and all  memories we made how greatful i would be to have just one more day,  all the thing i would let you know about all of the days we missed together i would have to pretend  you never went away, when that day ends and the sun sets i will let you know i will never forget you , the heart of gold you had when you entered heven will…

I confess to being a worrier.  Most of my life I have seen that as a good thing, worrying made me cautious and a great planner.  I would plan an event for weeks before it happened and then be glad I had as I had a contingency plan for everything.  That ended when my husband Ray had strokes as it was impossible to plan anything from then on as strokes are so unpredictable and that unpredictability seemed to rule our lives.  Now I am on my own I can plan again.

What a difference a week…

when we take our vows and say ,until death do we part,we are lying to ourselves , death only brings a physical departure , a marrage  and the bond between a husband and a wife makes two people  into one, that means that even when we lose spouse ,we are still left with that special love that burns inside and never dies.that internal love burns on even if our spouse is no longer with us, clinging to that love inside of us even if it can never be physically expressed should carry us and…

I remembered the day he said "I love you" while the ventilator is in his mouth. I saw his tears flowing down his cheeks. I told him "Honey, look at me!".."I love you more"...I asked him "Are you gonna leave me?" I told him "dont go yet", "Don't leave me please." "The kids are still young and I dont know how to tell them." "I don't know how to explain to them, please dont leave me Honey!  I dont know what to do!" "Look at me Honey, I love you so much. I really do. Please dont leave me!"…

Its midnight. Its quiet. Im in my laptop listening to sad music. Every music I heard, it reminds me of my late husband and posted it in my facebook page. I dont know why. Maybe I just want attention from my friends, but no one giving me attention. Im lonely..very lonely. My kids are sleeping. Im here in my living room alone crying for hours with my husband picture in my hands. Im sad, very sad. I have tears. It keeps flowing nonstop. I miss him so much. I really do. I wish he can come back.…

There were so many things my husband loved.

Movies.

Awards shows.

Musicals.

Music shows.

Things I don't watch anymore.

Glee.  Oscars.  So You Think You Can Dance.  Dancing With The Stars.

I don't watch them because I want to share them with him.  I go to tell him something, even after all this time.   And then... the hurt hits.  My heart hurts.  I remember what I've lost.

After 32 months.  I still get hit in the chest by the pain of…

I was with Mark for pretty much my whole adult life, we were a team and each had our own areas of expertise.

Mine was managing the finances and keeping the house - his was everything else.

I never used to think he did that much just make all things technical work  and do a few chores now and then.

I have learned a lot about what he did and how much harder it is to do these things on your own in the last 11 months.

Simple things like…

It’s been weeks since I’ve allowed myself to be still. To write, to be truly quiet, to feel. Today, is the first day in nearly a month that I’ve had both the time and the emotional fortitude to be still and so I made myself go into my studio and to my yoga mat. Two poses in and the tears sprang into my eyes and rolled down onto the mat, pooling like little wells of physical sadness, proof that my heart is indeed broken, my soul weary.

January 22nd my beloved beagle Abbey,…

  to my beloved , when will these clouds all disapear where will it lead us from here.  your beautiful it aint time we said good bye i still love you. all the dreams we held so close seem to all go up in smoke where will it lead me from here, all your kisses still taste so sweet i hate the sadness it aint time said good bye, with all the loving in my soul , i still love you every  where i look i see your eyes , there aint a woman that comes close to you, we can never say we didnt try love…

So, as mentioned in my "Unwed "widow" of a married man at a Widow's Dinner" my dear sweet man was still legally married to another when he was killed. 



B & T (yeah.. we share the same first initial...) were married when I met B 10 long years ago. For him it was an instant attraction to me. He knew little to nothing about me and decided that I needed to be in his life in some form or fashion, So he hired me. I developed a school girl crush on him, but there…

Stone walls do no a prison make, nor iron bars a cage (Richard Lovelace)

I feel as if I am back in the tower again.  The one I have built to stay away from the world, the tower window does look down on the world and I really want to be there but I am afraid. I know what that fear is, it is fear of change.  I want to move on, go forward but part of me is afraid to leave the past behind if in doing so I am lessening the memories that Ray and I built together for forty years. I don't…

March 24th 2014

That's the date my life started to spiral out of control, the day he was admitted to hospital to drain some fluid from his abdomen and fix an infection.

He was fine, walking, talking and being his normal self, the doctors kept saying he would be home that day..

Life hit that downward spiral to despair at 3:15 on the Thursday morning 27th March, when the hospital called to say I needed to get in and fast.

Most of that…

Wiser folk than me have said that the first year is a series of 'Firsts' and that you have to get through them to start reaching some kind of acceptance.

Its got me to thinking of the last 11 months and the 'firsts' I have experienced and those still to come.

The first 'first' came seconds after he left me, the first time I took a breath without him by my side.

The next was telling the family, all waiting in the relatives room - first…

 It is the stupidest fucking day of the year. It is DESIGNED to make everyone partnered or not to feel bad about what they give or what they get. Top that together with the NOT STOP COVERAGE of Fifty Shades of Stupid and I am ready to punch a baby. I cannot believe that a book that celebrates a woman abdicating control of her life when we ALL LOST CONTROL of our lives. I wish that someone would talk about sitting there watching my husband…