Our Bed

Laying here in bed at this time….

I don’t miss your intellect right this minute

I don’t miss your laugh right this minute

I don’t miss your smile right this minute

I don’t miss talking with you right this minute…

In my opinion, there is no time frame on anything pertaining to grief and how we handle the loss of a loved one.  Just remember.......one day at the time & we do the best we can until we can do better.

When you walked into my life my whole world changed for the good

The day I fell in love with you was the day my soul lit up

And there was nothing I wanted more than to be with you

And every day was a kind of paradise…

I keep wanting to post on Forums and Blogs. But I don't know how. My husband of 25 years of marriage unexpectedly died on January 27, 2016.He was 52.  This month,26 years ago he proposed. He  told me..we may not have a lot of money, but we will  laugh and love a lot. ..and we did. He Loved Music..we played it all of the time and when the radio wasn't on he had his i pod..or mine.  We have 4 beautiful daughters ;one is 17 the other 3 are 12 1/2 ( yes they are triplets). I am reading and…

    Another week closer to the four month mark.   It seems like time should be dragging by but it is going just as fast or faster that it ever has.  I asked a close relative yesterday if it was awful that I was starting to make decisions about my home that my spouse probably wouldn't have been on board for.  This afternoon, a load of crush and run is being delivered for the space in front of the new barns and parking areas that were dug out…

Tonight I went to a dinner for an organisation I have belonged to for many years.  I usually sit among the couples but tonight for some reason was surrounded by women.  One of them asked me loudly if I had found myself a man yet, when I said "No" she said: "I thought this year would be good for you because it is Leap Year."  I don't think she meant to be unkind but she certainly was playing it for laughs.  I have known her for many years and wondered if she knew she was being hurtful.  I am…

Lone Pioneer

I am a lone pioneer on a journey I never imagined or wanted

Leaving behind a shared rich experience for a land unknown

This journey is lonely and long and I have no idea in what direction it is leading me

It leads me as I cannot lead it, it calls me wherever and…

Sometimes people seem to feel that it must have been hard for me not to have had the time to say goodbye to my husband Ken. He died so quickly in bed within a matter of minutes and there was no goodbye. It never occurred to me until someone said it. I don't really regret we didn't have a last goodbye. I feel like in our whole life we were so connected and the love was so great that no goodbye or closing comment was necessary. We knew how we felt about each other and never took each other for…

I like music. I am not a fanatic to know every detail of a song, though. Generally I know the tune but seldom know the lyrics. I use music as more of a background while working.

I chose that title because he was tone deaf. He once said "I know only two tunes: one of them is 'Yankee Doodle', and the other isn't. That always makes me laugh.

I had been hearing a particular song for a while, several months at least. It sounded kind of sad and I…

I met my wife Laura when she was a 17 year old farm girl from Upstate New York. Her life evolved from milking cows to working for a Silicon Valley tech company. Over the years she grew in beauty, maturity, sophistication and worldliness. She evolved in her spiritual maturity to understand more of who she really was.

Seventeen years after initially meeting her, we got married. Our lives together were full of adventure, self discovery, spiritual growth, family, work and travel.…

     Usually, I am a pretty organized person.  I devised a household bookkeeping method years ago that , if kept up with, made tax time much less of a headache.  I should mention that my beloved was happy to let me handle filing our joint return.  I always laughed when I told him that he only cared about the yellow sticky note I gave him every year showing how much of a refund we were getting. I will miss that ritual…

      I thank God everyday for my children.   They have been so incredibly strong for me and the love I have for them is so deep that words are inadequate and pale.   Thanks to them, Valentine's Day weekend was not only bearable but actually enjoyable.   Saturday was spent in the North Carolina Mountains, antiquing and having lunch, then pizza and a movie that night.  Valentine's Day was spent being…

    Ok, here's my story:  Just having celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary, I lost my love, my best friend, my soulmate, my lifebonded partner three days before his 56th birthday in November.   In seven months, we went from everything looking good and in the clear to losing him from metastasized colon cancer. Our son got married in November and my beloved lasted until the day after the wedding,…

February 14th 2016 is Valentines Day for all of us. For Donna it would have been her 64th trip around the Sun. This annual sojourn of circling the Sun ended in 2011. Yet her ashes and memories continue to race through my personal solar system. “All we are is what we leave behind." I am left behind, your memory is not.

http://www.bioc.net/blog/2016/2/10/the-barbs-and-cortege-of-memories…

Barb died in September 2015.  But I didn't just lose my wife.  When she lost her life, I lost my own life too.  

Over-dramatic?  Not so much.

She WAS my life.  And not only her, but her family and friends.  Her conversations.  Her thoughts.  

Hey, now I really believe it where the Bible says "The Two Shall Be As One".  

I can't go to any of our former friends or her family and just call and talk or visit.  They have all moved on.  They were really close to Barb.…

Coming up on 8 months since my wife passed (16th). I guess I am adjusting somewhat. We have to, we can't live in the same spot emotionally. Life has to go on even as difficult as it can be sometimes.

I am trying to rebuild my business and that keeps me busy, when I can stay focused. Priorities changed after Linda became sick 4 years ago and I lost a lot of clients. I have no regrets of that. I wanted to spend every possible moment I could with her. We knew from the start there…

 I am getting to the stage now when I remember not the rough and tumble of life of how my marriage really was but more the images of perfection. I think this is a dangerous time as it idealizes the person we have lost and makes it impossible to find another partner.  And I do want at least a chance of having another partner.  I know now I can't find a partner that was all the things Ray WAS.  I mean the…