Here it is Easter Sunday. I remember doing so many things on this day. Jim  & I would color eggs and then decide we were going to love pickled eggs. Now, without him I feel its just another Sunday. I'm not looking forward to holidays anymore. I dont have my other half with me to enjoy them. I dont want to go anywhere or do anything today but my daughter and family have invited my mother in law and myself for Easter dinner. My mother in law is excited and wants to go so I guess we go. I…

Most of the time I embrace being around couples, especially happy ones. But at the moment, I'm struggling as I am, in my circle of family and friends the 'single' person.  When we leave an event, outing or get together they drive off no doubt talking on the way home about the evening. I just dread the thought of the lonely drive home and turning into my drive to this empty house with noone to share my thoughts and feelings with. It's just the oddest thing because at other times it bothers me…

Soon my 2^nd year of life called Widowhood will begin.  I lost my husband Jack April 3, 2012 suddenly of a massive heart attack.  I remember one of the first grief groups I attended, shortly after his death someone mentioned “Oh the first year is hard but the second year is harder”.  That just about did me in as I thought - how much harder can this get, I just lost my husband, lover and best friend?  My family as a whole does not exist. My world’s…

I had to force myself to speak or write my thoughts out to keep from falling back into darkness. When I started it I had no one to talk to and I carried so much anger. I realize as time has passed it is me living in the moment and I was getting stuck and dragged backwards. I made a promise to continue living as I am left to put my life back in some type of order. If there were away to instantly be cheerful and happy all the time we wouldn't grow.

I find myself humbled with compassion…

2 steps back.  Or is it 3 forward...then 5 back? That is what this journey feels like right now. Maybe it's not that at all though.  Maybe there are just different "zones" that I move to and from.  There's the zone I get to where I am sick and tired of being sad and I take some action to try and to improve my outlook and my happiness.  Then I start to panic or I just get full of fear and so insecure.  I retreat back to the "comfort" zone. And by comfort I don't mean it is comforting, I mean…

Three years ago today I faced up to a difficult task: Picking up the urn with my wife's ashes. When my boys found out I was gonna go do this myself, they insisted on coming along. What seemed to be unbearable, turned out to be one of the funniest adventures during that first year of grieving. This entry is from my Diary of a Widower. (For more: www.diaryofawidower.com)

TUESDAY, March 30 – Do you suppose these people practice?…

'Everybody is a Star

Who can rain, chase the dust away

Everybody wants to shine, Ooh, come out on a cloudy day

Til the sun that loves you…

Tomorrow marks 5 months that I have been on this journey.  Five months of not knowing if I am doing the right things.  Five months of wondering when the pain will end.  Five months of traveling on bumpy gravel roads, then back to the smooth pavement, just to detour to the gravel again.  I try to keep the “Sunny Side Up!” attitude, but sometimes I feel my life is a little scrambled right now. 

I have strong faith and I know that Dennis and the Lord are up there keeping an eye on me,…

I went back to the hospital today. I had to turn in some paperwork.

I went back there a couple of days after Cindy passed and picked up a couple of her things that were still there.

Hadn't been there since. But have wanted to go back. I sat in the Chapel and said a couple of prayers. After that I walked around and retraced many of the places and steps of that week. Certainly brought back so many memories of that week. A very reflective time while I was…

My MIL was only 21 when her husband, Ray's father, died in a truck roll-over.  She had one two year old son and four months to go with the baby she was carrying who became Ray.  I never really understood what she went through but now, reading on here and hearing so many comments from young women who have lost a partner I think I understand at last. This journey in widowhood is certainly an interesting one and one on which we have a lot to learn.

I have just become involved in a family…

Each day I draw strength to be stronger in my faith. My emotions of anger, depression, and fear are now comforted by devoting my time daily seeking wisdom and understand through his words which never loses its power. We each deal with our loss in different ways and it has brought us together for supporting one another with love and understanding. It's that love and understanding I openly share with each and everyone who reads the words which have comforted me.

I am eighteen and a half…

Hi Everyone,

Tomorrow night is my turn to fix dinner for my two widow friends.  When it's my turn to cook, I try to always add something a little special.  For tomorrow night, I've written the following poem, which hopefully they'll like.  I wanted to share it with you.  Warm hugs to all, Stan

THE PATH OF LIFE

 By…

I was determined I wasn't going to call myself a widow.

I hated that word.  Widows are usually portrayed as old women.  The scary house down the street.  The widow lives there.  The crazy cat lady.  Her husband died leaving her a widow.  I'm not old.  I'm definitely not a crazy cat lady, at least not yet.  But I never realized one word could make me feel so powerless.  I wasn't going to be a widow.  I wasn't going to allow that word to control me.  It is WHAT I am not WHO I…

People tell me I'm a good writer.

People tell me I'm a compelling writer.

People tell me that I write in such a way that my words affect them.

So why can't I express fully, in a way that makes me feel that *I* understand, how much I hurt and how incredibly devastating it is to be a widow?

I look through thesaurus entries:

Devastated: anguised, cheerless, dejcected, depressed, despairing, distressed, down, heartbroken, heartsick,…

Decided to take myself out for lunch today to a place Paul and I enjoyed many times in Texas and in Denver.  It closed.  Plan B was to go to a new place at the same location.  It closed.  Finally had lunch at Nordstrom's Cafe which was nice but not a place I shared in the past with my partner.  They could not offer me any fun memories.  The store we bought our sofa is no longer open either.  Tomorrow I'll be another year older and it's hard to see the places we've been together disappear -…

Grief is a thing that takes you to places you never want to go and trys to take all you have left to hold you together.  When my wife passed the first few weeks and maybe even months I was lost in a sea of regret and confusion.  I managed to function day to day and even survived the crudes, rudes, and even the attitudes that slapped at me almost daily.  I managed (by the Grace of God, only) to keep from crawling back into the alcohol haze I'd left behind me so many years before.  One by one…

To all the widowed people I have known:  please forgive me.  I did not know how much pain you were feeling.  I didn't know that you would feel like you were having a heart attack, because the pressure and pain in your chest was so intense.  I did not know that you would be so exhausted just with the effort of walking through the day.  I didn't know you were frightened of suddenly being responsible for EVERYTHING, yet being unable to think clearly or nake decisions.  I didn't know that your…

So it's day 55 since he committed suicide.  Today my heart has been beating fast, anxiety filling my body with a tremble in my hands.  I suppose some of that could be due to the anti-anxiety meds my doctor finally put me on.  Today is one of those days when I think about him non-stop.  I can't concentrate at work, so I decided maybe writing out some of this will help so I can try to get something done today. 

People don't seem to be as concerned or checking in much anymore and that…