I am new to this site and was directed here by an acquaintance that told me it may do me some good to read some of the stories and experiences others have gone through. I've only been a widow for about 4 months after a 32 year marriage. My wife was diagnosed with cancer 3 1/2 years ago, and after 3 years of being her sole caretaker at home, she passed away in my arms. I feel as if I died that day to, and each day does not get any better. My friends feel as if I need to move on, all of my…Continue
A site I write for gave the writing prompt of "Sexuality as a Widow." I wrote a piece and it's here in Woman's Day magazine: How I Began Exploring my Sexuality as a Widow. (I didn't pick the title). I'm not sharing with my Dad, but you might want to take a look. This is as personal as I've gotten in print and, um, I feel a little exposed.…Continue
This will be a short post.
I have never been a morning person, ever. I am definitely not one after husband passed.
Waking up in the morning is awful. Knowing I am not dead yet, and I wouldn't get any morning hugs and love text throughout the day, I found my days are harder to get by. Night time is better especially after I put baby to sleep. The thought of knowing I am a day closer to death makes me happier. The only guilty feeling I have is I have one less day…Continue
Today was Easter Day and a really lovely bright beginning of the day. I went to the church service and it lived up to expectations so I was feeling wonderful and then one of those incidents happened that brings back some bad memories of the past. I had picked up one of the congregation members on the way as she said she can't drive at the moment. At the end of the service I had to wait for a disabled girl to be picked up so I wasn't aware of what was happening until there was a thump and I…Continue
April 10, 2016 will be the three year anniversary of my husband George's death. I’d hoped to feel healed by now, to have emerged from grieving stronger and complete, but most of the time I don't feel that way. It’s like there’s this sad, little rodent within me that scurries against my ribs when it’s sad or anxious, like some part of me dissolved into this animal after George died...
This is the start of my article …Continue
Is this a new phase i am going into?...probably.
I am not mad or angry. But I am starting to feel frustration.
I have been looking into things I can do, groups I can join....to keep busy and somewhat social. I admit I am having some anxiety about that.
Meeting new people and having to tell the story, which then again brings the raw emotions to the surface. feeling frustration that I have to go through this.
Well, I don't HAVE to....but I can't just be a…Continue
I HAVE TO WALK THIS LONESOME VALLEY
The truth is that no matter how many people care
No matter how many grief groups I go to
Or how many therapists I might talk with
At the end of the day….this is my walk
I have taken on this grief and…Continue
Added by Hope on March 24, 2016 at 6:30am — No Comments
Well its getting close to Easter and i'm remembering the last one i spent w/my husband, Frankie. We went to the catholic Mass as that was the religion we were both baptized in and the one he grew up in and felt most at home with. The priest was one that had visited him in the hospital when he had pneumonia and had given him communion and last rites. He also saw my husband another time. He ended up being the priest to do the memorial service…Continue
Added by littlelamb on March 23, 2016 at 8:55pm — No Comments
So, S has this old computer that he was oddly attached to. It quit working about six months ago. Even though he replaced it with two laptops, he still wanted to get this computer working again. We would turn it on every once in a while to see if it would work and never hit the jackpot. We had planned to really look into it and dig deep to fix it together after the holidays.
Well, as often happens, things got in the way. Business was calling and we got super busy with an exciting…
Although it seems like a lifetime ago, it was four years ago today that my world turned upside down. March 22, 2012. The day I came home from work and tried to wake up my Elaine to have dinner, only to discover that she wasn't asleep. The day everything in my life changed. The day my life went from stable, happy, full of love and joy and adventure to this dark journey into pain.
For about the first two years, the only constant in my life was change. Now, life is settling down. …Continue
TWO SHIPS SAILING IN THE NIGHT
I dreamt last night that I was on a ship
And my beloved was on another
I could not go to him although I wanted to
And our destinations were different
His ship was moving one…Continue
Added by Hope on March 21, 2016 at 2:30pm — No Comments
I have never hate, but I do now. The day my husband died, he took away the love, the innocence, the purity that I have always had with him to heaven. What's left is hatred. I hate God, I hate myself, I hate my life, and I hate everything immensely!
I hate God for His silence to our prayers. My husband was one of those devoted Christian who lived by words of God. He was a good person, a good Christian. He loved, trusted God and had tremendous of faith that God would have mercy…Continue
Well, it's officially spring now. The weather will get nicer the sun will shine more and hope and happiness will be everywhere.
Except in my house.
Spring was S's favorite time of the year. He was able to get out more, his mobility always got a little better and he loved watching it stay light outside later and later. Spring brought him strength and hope. That spirit of hope always surrounded both of us around this time. We loved spending Saturdays looking at…Continue
I'm crying again, okay I watched a sad movie but that is not why I am crying. I guess the movie had elements of what my life has - loneliness, having to make decisions alone, rebuilding a life alone. That is what being a widow or a widower is about: rebuilding your world on your own. Of course I have a family, children and their partners, grandchildren but a lot of the time they seem remote, busy living their own lives, so I am still struggling to learn to live mine and I am still doing…Continue
Field of Dreams
The daffodils are rising in our field of dreams here
Where we have always planted daffodils for 23 years in this place
Each one carefully put in with a name and a prayer said over it
And for Ken’s memorial many friends and relatives planted bulbs…Continue
Added by Hope on March 18, 2016 at 5:40am — No Comments
Bending to the Storm
I have watched these tall lanky trees from my deck for years
And when the wind blows and the storms come
I have often imagined they would give in
And fall on the house
But no, they are supple and…Continue
This quote by John O'Callaghan is something I'm really trying to hold onto. There were so many signs that something was really wrong with S but we just thought he had the flu. Oh, how wrong we were.
Today, the signs that I missed keep coming back to me. Not just today, it happens quite often actually but today it has been especially haunting. Little things that I missed keep coming back to me, things he said about how he was feeling, my reactions to him. I thought he was just being a…Continue
"You should be here..." I heard those lyrics in a song yesterday, and ain't it the truth.
You SHOULD be here, we were supposed to grow old together. I never thought this would happen in a million years.
It is 9 months today since my wife passed. Last July I could not imagine making it this far.... But we take one day at a time.
I am really confused on who I am or who I am supposed to be. That is to say that I get through the days with the tasks and…Continue
I honestly don't know how I have made it these two weeks of my new life as a widow. A life that I am very begrudgingly walking through like a zombie.
Breathe. Drink water. Breathe. One foot in front of the other. Breathe. Drink water. Breathe. Try to eat, even if it is only a bite. Breathe. Try to sleep.
That breathing thing is very important. It's amazing how many times my breath gets taken away by the grief. I can't tell you how many times I have felt like I might faint.…Continue
The Last Chapter
The last chapter of our love affair is not over
For as long as I am breathing
There is still a story unfolding
And when I die
The last chapter of this earthly love affair