April 2012 Blog Posts (92)

I have been cleaning out my closet and our dressers, not an easy job in any situation, but this time it makes my heart hurt. I am doing what I need to do to make my room mine. Brian was the kind of guy that really didn't care WHAT his room looked like, so for the most part it is decorated the way I want it anyway, I'm just working on cleaning it and making it truly my haven. As I was cleaning I found a journal that Brian used to write in. In the journal was this Gratitude List and I feel…

Well I made it through 29 April.  And the day went extremely well.  A few texts from friends who remembered, some flowers and some hugs.  Not a tear was shed....today....

Friday.....different story.  I also had a reading from a pyschic/clairvoyant.  Lots of tears but I felt so relaxed afterwards and felt I was doing ok and on the right path.  A phone call from the FIL - which really tore me apart on an emotionally drained day as well.  I cannot believe the things the in-laws are…

My 1^st Blog posting...I have been on Wiowed Village for awhile now, reading through other stories of love, happiness and shattered dreams. I don’t want to be here but I am…searching for kindred spirits who understands what it’s like to lose the love of your life…to death. I have been procrastinating about writing our story and adding to this website because it all makes me CRAZY and SAD.

My Kevin and I met because of our mutual love for the game, my…

I must admit, this month has been a very busy and productive month. It's also been a month where my emotion has just been an roller coaster ride. Up and Down,Up and Down.



The truth is, since the WILL finally got granted PROBATE. I had to start making changes to the apartment so my roommate can come move in June. I still need one more roommate. Since I am going away from May 11-27 to Asia (Philippines, Hong Kong and Macau) for a Bachelor party. Yes, I will be the only "gay" in the…

Two days before Greg’s accident we were at the store and I was singing the receipt for my debit card and Greg’s standing there beside me with this smile that only Greg had for me and he said his last name. And I replied, “you want me to sign that now? It won’t clear the bank!” and we laughed and the cashier laughed and Greg said, “No in two months that’s going to be your last name.” and the cashier said Awww. And we both smiled and I said, “yes it will!” and we were so happy and…

This is a question that I get asked from time to time. Probably more often from other Unwedded Widows than from married widows.

The generally accepted definition of “widow” is a woman whose spouse has died.

Do I consider myself a widow?

Yes, I have always considered myself widowed. From the day I lost Greg till now, I have considered myself widowed.

I know there are people who disagree and that by calling myself a widow that makes them uncomfortable and I don’t…

So, as of the 21st of April I have been a widow for six months. Odd how I seem to have lost a lot of my concept of time since last October 21st. Sometimes I feel like I haven't seen Michael in years..and other times it feels like he just walked out the front door yesterday. Either way, I miss him. Terribly. I still get a lot of the "how are you doing?" questions and always give that good old stand by answer "I'm fine.". Am I? I think so..but the last few days I haven't been so sure. Perhaps…

I'm new here to WV even though I signed up close to a year ago I haven't explored the site or been ready to until yesterday I guess. Everyone is gently asking & wondering what the circumstances were/are that brought me here and so I thought I would briefly explain it. There is so many more details about that day & guess I'm just not there yet to share or go into everything so here's the best I can do right now. My best friend/husband/soul mate of almost 10 years in one another's…

Of the many gifts that graced our life, the…

I was talking to a widow friend tonight and we were talking about grief. Like me she is a writer, but has not been able to find words that work for her with grief. When I came home tonight I wrote this. I know it's long, but the subject is one that takes more than a verse or two to encompass. I am pretty sure that it doesn't do anyone's feelings, at that moment in time, justice. I thought that this would be a more appropriate place to share this.

Grief…

So, i think i can actually volunteer for a dementia related nursing/assisted living home. i've wanted to "do something" since my husband died but i lacked the courage. when my husband was ill i was pretty damn proud of my moral courage. whatever cardinal virtues i lacked, the fortitude i thought i had made me feel as if i was proving to myself that i still had a virtuous life despite my…

I've described this feeling that I get at this time each month in a previous blog, and without fail, it happens again.  I thought for sure, since I've been working hard at progression, that this feeling would ease off, but of course....not one bit.

I just returned from Camp Widow East…

I know many of us have heard this, I just had to write about it when it was my turn

It’s too Soon



I heard the words I did not believe

Someone is gossiping again

This time they talk about my life

I wish that they would stop



They said it was too soon for me

To walk the future’s path

They are not me and cannot know…

A few months ago I put up a profile on Match.com.  My first experience ended up being a pretty funny story, which I wrote about.  http://widowedvillage.org/profiles/blogs/mr-right-or-mr-right-now-oh-well-it-s-a-moot-point

My second experience is not as funny and really is downright evil.....

When I went on to Match, I specifically looked at widowers.  To me that just makes…

428.

Just a series of numbers, but they followed my husband everywhere. He would often tell me how that series of numbers showed up in his life. Addresses, phone numbers, dates, bridge numbers, time of day. All the time, so my son and I quickly learned that "428" represented Steve.

Tomorrow is 4/28, what we called "Steve Day." We didn't really do anything to celebrate Steve Day, mostly he would wake up groaning about it being "428" or he would call me or point at the clock at…

I can feel the surge of the wave of grief.  The tide pulling me out, under, sucking the breathe out of me and causing my heart to race.  This is what happens when the past overwhelms me.  It has become even more difficult to deal with as my brain tries to understand celebrating a present and a future while mourning a past.  Sometimes those events overlap.

This week marked 2 years ago that I met the boy.  Two wonderful, growing, and enriching years.  This week also marks the week that…

When I see these pictures of Kevin, just about a month after his 36th Birthday, his last birthday on earth,

I see such life.

Kevin would be 40 on Saturday, April 7, 2012.

It's a moment I know I, probably more than him, would have looked forward to.  If he were here.

I know myself, and I have a feeling I'd be renting or making one of those "Lordy, Lordy, Looks Who's 40??" signs.

There would…

I am, by nature, a very accepting person. Strangers have a tendency to become, after enough encounters (whether by choice or accidental), friends. I have been accused of being too friendly, of "taking in every stray dog", of loving too eagerly and too much.It seems natural to me that the more you get to know someone, the closer you become, the more familiar the face, the greater the acceptance and the bond.

There is one exception. This particular individual has been beside me through…

Last week was the last week of religious ed at our church.  One set of our very best friends - their girls are the same age as my boys and let's just say they've been together so long & through so much that they treat and think of each other as siblings. (It's a good thing.  Those girls are beautiful inside and out.  We've told the boys if they decide to date, it's not until college, 'cause we want to stay friends w/ their parents & them - anyway). Each year on the last night of…