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April 2017 Blog Posts (16)

These days I'm anxious.

A year ago I was taking care of my wife Carla in hospice. She had 11 weeks from diagnosis to death. Breast cancer. Diagnosed March 28; hospice started April 14; she died June 12 at home in our bed. She never even had a hospital bed, it was just our regular bed. She was 56 and I was 46. We had been together 17 years.…


Added by Anna on April 25, 2017 at 5:12pm — 5 Comments

Celebrating without Dad

Yesterday my son turned 5.  It is a big number in our house.  He knew when he turned 5 he would be ready to go to kindergarten soon and he would get to chew gum.  What none of us knew was that it would also be his first birthday without his dad.  We have been talking about his birthday for a while.  A month ago I bought invitations... Power Ranger themed and I even looked into having a Power Ranger character come to our house.  I managed to get 6 invitations out to the preschool kids at his…


Added by Orb101214 on April 25, 2017 at 12:30pm — 3 Comments

Alternate Timelines

I still wake up and feel like I’m stuck in the wrong timeline, like a Star Trek episode. Something isn’t right about this timeline, and I have to find my way back to the “right” timeline so history will go on the way it is supposed to go. In Star Trek, the character refuses to accept the new timeline, even when people think he is crazy. But in my case, I don’t have a time…


Added by lowrsr (Sherry) on April 23, 2017 at 12:08pm — 5 Comments


Yeah, I'm catching up. Things that have been in my head that I've never quite written down. Phrases caught in memory.

I'm mostly settled. In less than a month is my housewarming party. A bit late in the year, but with the misters up, it should be okay. We're doing it black tie. Because we girls love a chance to get dressed up and wear pretty dresses and get our hair and makeup done. And guys look freakin' hot all dressed up in coats and ties. And it makes me happy to picture a house…


Added by Medea on April 22, 2017 at 10:47pm — 3 Comments


Scattering his ashes was hard. His SCA household was with me, as were two of my house members. It was on the battlefield, which is what he would have wanted. We all took turns. In two scattering urns, everyone took a turn, making sure his ashes were well and truly scattered, as we weren't actually allowed to scatter him there. But where else would he want to be?  It was fitting.

Afterwards, they thanked me. They thanked me for making sure they were a part of things and keeping them…


Added by Medea on April 22, 2017 at 10:30pm — 1 Comment

A Dream

I dreamt of him. I dreamt, knowing it was a dream. I told him he was dead, and he couldn't be in my dreams. He said he knew. He said he could only ever do it twice, but he had to see me. I said that he shouldn't be here. That didn't he have purgatory or something. He said he had penance to do. It was painful, but he did it, and that he could be there now. I told him that he was a dream, and that it couldn't be him. He said to ask him something he would know. I told him that it was my dream,…


Added by Medea on April 22, 2017 at 9:46pm — 1 Comment


two days ago I was notified that my fiancé had been shot while at work. he was a  23yrs old marine. I was the last person he texted. 

Added by smp on April 21, 2017 at 4:32am — 4 Comments

Reflecting as the journey changes.

I am four and a half years out from Ray's death.  I am still on the journey to find out who I am now and who I want to be.  I have just been on a train journey and that gave me a slow way of reflecting on my life. Am I who I think I am?  How do others see me?  I know wherever I go people like to talk to me and tell me their life stories so I  know I am a good listener.  On the trains coming and going to visit my friend people talked to me, they were comfortable telling me about their lives,…


Added by only1sue on April 14, 2017 at 3:00pm — 4 Comments

No place to fit

Don't really seem to fit here anymore.  I am still looking for counseling to get my head straight and maybe that is the only way it will be.  It is just ironic that after I lay out the whole history of what has happened over the last say 10+ years it feels like the therapists don't believe me or are just desensitized.  As much as I have tried to reinvent myself, I am still haunted by the past, the decisions I had to make, and all that happened between then and now.  The new theory is trauma…


Added by mom'staxi on April 12, 2017 at 5:00pm — 1 Comment

I was doing fine. I was taking charge of my own life. I was refinancing. I was doing fine until I got to the point where next to my name, in BIG letters, I read "UNMARRIED." Was it just me or did the…

I was doing fine. I was taking charge of my own life. I was refinancing. I was doing fine until I got to the point where next to my name, in BIG letters, I read "UNMARRIED." Was it just me or did they purposefully make the font 10 times bigger?! I don't think of myself as unmarried. I will always be married to Chris. Those vows might as well have said, "Into eternity," instead of "until death do us part." Now I'm sitting here, sobbing, missing him. I'm upset that I didn't get the full amount of… Continue

Added by MyJoyMyLightMyLove on April 11, 2017 at 8:31pm — 4 Comments

Our Anniversary

Yesterday would have been my seven year wedding anniversary, but we lost my dear husband in December.  I was a wreck all day, hiding in the bathroom to cry most of the day.  I just miss him so much and we were so happy.  Just another hard road stop of this journey of grief.  Maybe I have been a little numb the last few months, I know I have most of the time actually.  Yesterday the pain was so raw and so intense.  I tried to embrace and sob every time I felt like crying and the tears never…


Added by Orb101214 on April 11, 2017 at 10:37am — 5 Comments

Heard it in a Love Song

Music has always played a huge roll in my life.  Since birth I've had headphones on, even to the point where I hear music when there is none.  There has always been a song for my mood.  No matter how funky or blue, happy or melancholy I've always been able to find music that fits.  However over the last few years especially I've found myself searching for something that's out of reach.  Nothing makes me happy or soothes the mood.  Nothing fits.

Love songs are just a painful reminder…


Added by kellygreenstrat (Colin) on April 11, 2017 at 7:15am — 12 Comments


4-23 will be 8 years and I still feel that pain. Cleaning out an old drawer and found a handwritten note to our firstborn from him. Married another great man in 2013 and my Terry is always present.

Added by tweedles on April 8, 2017 at 3:03pm — 1 Comment

Dan Mack

For those who knew Dan Mack both here in WV and FB I just wanted to pass on the sad news that I learned from another widow today. Dan Mack passed away last July from bladder cancer. Today was his birthday and we had both posted Happy Birthday wishes on his FB page. This is the only way to let those who knew him from here know.

Rest in Peace my friend. You will be missed.

Added by Morgana (Janet) on April 6, 2017 at 1:30pm — No Comments

The most comforting dream

I had the most comforting dream a couple nights ago, in that place between sleeping and waking. I was lying in bed and suddenly I felt a presence next to me, as if someone was sitting on the bed beside my legs, and the firm press of a comforting hand on my hips. In the dark, I couldn't see anyone, but I knew it must be Shane, even as my brain tried to think of other possibilities. Bobby? My brother had been staying with us, but he was house-sitting for someone else this week. He wasn't even…


Added by BabushkaD (Debbie) on April 5, 2017 at 12:55pm — 3 Comments

"April is the cruellest month..."

I have been thinking about this poem since Shane died in October. I wish I knew the translations for the various languages. Maybe I'll have to play with Google Translate. April will be Easter, then my birthday also marking 6 months from our wedding anniversary. Shane was hospitalized a few days before our anniversary and died 12 days after. I have been thinking about Easter and resurrection, and how usually the idea brings such hope, but this year I am in a place where I feel I…


Added by BabushkaD (Debbie) on April 1, 2017 at 8:06pm — 1 Comment

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