May 2011 Blog Posts (72)

Hello. My name is Polly. I am 29 years old and live in Devon in the UK. I asked myself out loud why I wanted to start writing a blog, and what I realised is that I need a release. I don't speak my feeling, I only write them. I write them through letters and poetry usually, but that can sometimes come across as cryptic. Now I need real people to understand me.

Why does it seem that if I feel like I may be gaining any sort of strength in this process, it all falls apart around me, I end up feeling more helpless & hopeless than ever. 

Yesterday was Michael's Birthday, he would have been 33 years old... he should have had another 33 ahead of him at least, and here I sit, without him next to me... pissed off that I am robbed of my husband, my children are robbed of their fun & loving father!

Why are we --"the widows"-- left with…

I was really good at living with intention before my husband died.  I was good about doing things with good reason and being thoughtful, even purposeful about what I did and how I did it.  I had the luxury of more time to think through my decisions and even more important I think…I had someone to share those decisions, reasons, and purpose with…I think for me it felt more intentional with a witness near.

Since widowhood began, I have been through many phases, stages, whatever we might…

I don't think people realize that are pets go thru a mourning process too. Each of our Peta Farm Kids (pets), has displayed a different type of behavior since Hubs passed. Our Rotty dog Gia didn't want to eat. i had to feed her by hand the first 2 weeks. Our cat Mia started & continues to bring me a dead rodent EVERYDAY. Our lap dog Duma has to be in the arms 24/7. 5 cats & 3 dogs is a lot to deal with besides myself still in mourning.

At night & I talk about their Dad to…

The bed seems so much larger now that I am the only one trying to sleep in it.  Before my husband was ill, our bedtime ritual was to cuddle, sometimes talk, kiss, and then retreat to our pillows.  Both of us hovered towards the middle of the bed though, always within arm's reach.

As the cancer progressed…

My poor yard and garden have suffered terribly in the last almost 19 months since my wife passed away.  I have trees that are either dead or on serious life support, some with beetle infestations and others that have been mauled by Deer and look lopsided with branches missing.  The last two winters have been exceptionally harsh and the summers have been hot and dry.  I seriously think I have not been out to water or tend to them in nearly 10 months! Its really amazing anything survived out…

I was married for the last 8 years, before that  I was single for 10 years.  Single and a parent to a 10 year old boy.  As fate would have it, along with my newly found married life I became pregnant, so now we had children-mine and ours.  Well MINE turned 18 and graduated from high school all in this past week.  He is headed to the Army by summers end.  Leaving me with OURS- this is where my discovery happened.

Since the death of my husband I have re-discovered skills and attributes…

One of the discussions about wedding rings reminded me of the day John proposed.  It was triple horror night at the drive-in.  It was awesome.  The drive-in had the various scary characters (Freddy, Jason...etc)  dressed up, walking around outside your car...creepy.  I don't remember all the movies that were playing, only the one that he proposed during.  We were watching the film "Wrong Turn" and at one of the climatic scenes (just before a gruesome murder), he was like,…

The word "acceptance" has been like a mantra to me since my husband died on January 14, 2006. For me, working to accept his death has been one of the most important steps in my own healing. I accept that Ken is gone. I accept that I must continue to live well without him. I accept that I will never forget him and that the sadness of his death and the joy of our 15 years together have woven together as part of the person I am today.

I wrote this poem to confront head-on the…

When Kevin was sick, community came out of everywhere.  We were sent support from Winnipeg, Manitoba, Kevin's hometown, Lancaster, Pennsylvania, my hometown, and many parts in between.  Much of our support came from friends and family, but we also received support from complete strangers: community.

With the recent tragedies hitting towns all over the country due to tornadoes and floods, I have had the pleasure of reading amazing accounts of bravery and support from people from the…

Today's my birthday and I woke up in a craptastic mood.  In fact, I went to bed in a craptastic mood and apparently it did nothing but brew all night long while I was sleeping.  I was angry this morning, but why?  My life's become pretty good, but I was just disappointed, upset, angry.

I hate it when I can't pinpoint my emotions or assign them to any one thing.  Having gone on vacation, I missed a few weeks of therapy and I opted today to enjoy my birthday instead of going to…

From my friends - I need YOU!

I am working to switch my focus from a heavy blog dedication to finishing the book (how many times have I typed this phrase before??) as well as focusing more on travel writing.  No, I'm not leaving grief writing behind, just wanting to give my friends a chance to share their journeys while I work on mine!

If you have a grief related story, whether through death or just general loss, I'd like you to share on my blog.  Drop me an email at…

As I work on trying to promote to upcoming Sarcoma fundraiser: a Lancaster Barnstormers baseball game on 7/16 and a bike/walk/run in East Petersburg, Pa on 9/24, I am trying to get the information out to all the locals who are affected on a daily basis by Sarcoma cancers.  Of course, my history leads me to check in often with the Angiosarcoma Cancer group right here on twitter.  Everyday I read the stories posted there, and realize how many more lives are being destroyed by this cancer. …

What am I doing?  No, really.  What is it that I do day in and out that inspires me, drains me, encourages me, floors me, stops me?  I have hit the wall of depression that inevitably ensues upon return from a great vacation.  Now comes the evaluation part after I've had a few days to decompress, relax, explore new things.  What am I doing?

At my writer's group this week I forced them to set a date for me, to make a plan, proceed with a goal to (EEEEEK) commit to something.  Memoir. …

I met Erin through the great "widow connections" on Twitter, and have since gotten to know her more intimately through a great widow forum we are both involved in: Widowed Village.  Erin is open, raw, and at times very amusing both about her journey in loss and with her daily joys as a Mother.  I am honored to have her share us today about her reaction to Osama Bin Laden's death.  You'll read more about why I wanted to hear her thoughts…

Thoughts (via Tweet) from last evening:

"An odd amount of sadness washed over me as I prepared my apartment for my departure. What if I never returned? I felt the grief of others.

I rarely think of my death, but now that I have, I wish none to feel the grief I felt in losing Kev; I wish that pain upon not even the worst.

I imagine the pain that others would feel having to look at my stuff as they sorted through my life, a combination of my things, and Kevs.

I feel…