May 2011 Blog Posts (72)

I lost my husband to cancer, but many women and men lost their spouses to a war.  The man who initiated the attacks in the US on September 11, 2001 was killed and now what?  Do these widow(er)s feel vindicated and just that their spouses died trying to protect our country by searching out such hateful people?

In my experience, death never feels worth the good that comes from it.  I have been fortunate to have many awesome things happen, that without Kevin dying, never would have…

I didn't want to, but y'all made me do it!  THE ROYAL WEDDING.  My friend Stephanie wrote this on Facebook today: "There's so much pomp and circumstance surrounding this Royal Wedding. I hope more so was invested in the marriage itself."  In general, I find that I get caught up in the big, momentous, occasions in life, often failing to notice the details that make up the whole relationships that brought forth these events.  Engagement instead of relationship, weddings and anniversaries…

I cannot do this.

You do not know how many times I have said this to myself.  It has probably been more along the lines of "I don't THINK I can do this" which leaves me to believe that I cannot.

My parents supported me through my many phases of entering adulthood: when I wanted to be a journalist, then a mechanic, then a makeup sales person, then a business student - the list does on and on.  They just stood behind me and let me change my path again and again, trying their best…

This morning I had the privilege to read a guest post on my friend Susan's blog discussing body image.  I have touched before on my issues dealing with self esteem and negative body image, but I don't know if I have ever intimately shared with my readers how these issues began.  I still don't know exactly how they began, but I would say it had something to do with hitting puberty at the ripe old age of...10.

I was the…

I think I'm gonna write.  I know, what do you call THIS?  I've been working (at a pace of about 3 pages a month) on my memoir since after Kevin died.  If you go back to the early days of losing Kevin, you'll see that Kevin actually asked/told me to write our story, and I know he didn't just mean it to be a blog.  He meant it to be more, he believed in me.

The boy also believes in me.  He wants me to not only write but finish the book.  To find some closure in having it written.  To…

I should know to trust the unexpected, especially if it involves things I have planned around not expecting the unexpected.

I am being shown, again and again, that my life is not within in my control.  This hasn't seemed to stop me from being an ultimate control freak, but I'm learning.  Very slowly.  Nothing has happened in the past few weeks that I have really planned for, necessarily wanted, or at the very least, expected.  I have a heaping plate of unexpected sitting in front of…

Life tends to go in threes.  It has usually done so for my family, and I have been its bitter grateful recipient.  When Kevin died, within 6 months I lost an angiosarcoma friend, and my grandfather.  Three.  Whenever something has broken in my family, (i.e. washer), the refrigerator and kitchen sink went with it.  Is your life this way too?

My boy drove home my new to me motorcycle, this little gem:

He was excited about it, as was I!  After investing a…

I write this with the promise of tears stinging my eyes. That is a true statement. I tell you this because love is an honest emotion. It doesn't work well with dishonesty. I know love. When my children were born I was amazed at just how much I was able to feel for them. It was love on a whole higher than I had felt in my life. You love your parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters but it's almost a required thing. Something was ingrained within me to love my family. I always did love them…

Just remembering the day I was transporting John from Florida to Indiana for the funeral service.  I was so nervous.  I just wanted to get him home to his mother.  To be near family as I was then all alone dealing with the whole process of setting up the funeral/transportation arrangement.  I never would have thought that I would have to make such arrangement at the age of 26 years old.  It took a about a week to get him a flight into the nearest airport.  Family was anxious and eager for me…

I eat--but do not taste

I sleep--but do not rest

I see--but do not recognize

I listen--but do not hear…

Help Wanted: Just a LIttle

I am 49 years old yet I had never filled my own car tires with air until today. In fact, I asked my 28 year old niece to accompany me…

The time is nearing for me to sponsor my mother-in-law into this club.

Three months out from losing her son, her husband of 30-odd-years has decided to go off of dialysis...

It could be weeks.

It could be days.

Having had my initiation thrust upon me,

suddenly,

this drawn out departure feels no easier,

the anticipation of what lies ahead..

I ache for her, knowing...

I struggle against it... 

the coming…

In my wondering through the empty house today, I came across a box full of shoes that I had never unpacked and put in my closet.  As I pulled pair after pair out, memories of my husband came flooding back.  This pair he bought for our kayaking.  Another pair of hiking shoes to go with the many he had already gotten me.

I came upon a pair I bought for casual Fridays at work.  Dick hated them.  He said they were ugly and matronly.  They were so comfortable though.  |pulled them…

My brain is on overload lately.  The school year is over next week and I am readying myself for the full time mommy job this summer.  As usual, I want my kids to be happy, learn some new skills, have fun, but most of all, to just feel normal.  This is always my hope.  I want to have fun with my kids.  I want my kids to enjoy their childhood, but not be spoiled. Most of all, I want that gaping hole in their hearts to continue to heal.  I want my gaping hole to continue to heal too.

I…

We are still waiting for you

Your sandals are just where you left them

I did not touch the glass or straw from which you took your last sip of water.

But I can always clean them when you return

Call me silly

Your knapsack with your swim gear is still there

I sobbed over it last night

Smelled the irish spring soap and the speed stick

All as you left…

This weekend my friend hosted a baby shower for Jorge Matthew Jr. I was so nervous about breaking down because Jorge is gone. If I did break down, I knew the people surrounding me would completely understand but I just didn't want to do it. Grieving is much more comfortable in private.

A very dear friend from my high school days drove down from Gainesville to celebrate with me. I was so excited to spend time with Heather. It has been years! So many in fact, she never met…

This past May 3rd, was the 4 year mark.  Four years since my world blew apart.  I've been reading the comments posted on this web site and my tears started flowing.  It is hard to contain them because I have been where most of these precious people have been.  I know the shock, I know the anger, I know the pain, and I know the struggle of having to move on.  Every morning I knew the realization that I would not see my Gregory's face nor hear his voice calling me his baby...and still I placed…