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May 2014 Blog Posts (41)

I said it out loud



This was my first Memorial Day weekend without Toby.  We always went out to the cabin in Idaho and did our hikes, boating, and kayaking. Since I am by myself now, I decided to drive to Seattle. I thought I should do something different and not join the family at the cabin (the cabin is also where he died).  I made the drive over and stayed at my sister’s place with her new husband.  It was good to see her.  I hadn't seen her since the fall because of the snow on the pass.  The…

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Added by IndiaKai on May 29, 2014 at 5:46pm — 9 Comments

The Vessel

How many times have I stared at the vessel

That holds your remains

And thought…

How are your feet, your strong hands, your kind eyes

In there?

How many times have I stared at that vessel

My heart twisting, aching, pleading

For it simply not to be?

How many times have I stared at that vessel

And thought, ‘Where are you?’

Only to feel my heart cry out in response,

In here, in here, in…

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Added by flannery on May 29, 2014 at 9:02am — 10 Comments

lost....

I met my late husband 4 years ago, we were inseperable, he was/ is my best friend. He knew every story, every heartbreak, and every scar. I have never felt so lost in my life I feel like since he left this earth I have lost everything. I was unable to afford our home so had to sell it, now live with friends until I can get back on my feet, I failed out of RN school because I was dealing with everything. Most days I don't know why I even get out of bed.

As our anniversary apporachs and…

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Added by cjh0588 on May 29, 2014 at 5:54am — 4 Comments

Maybe in Heaven....

This site has really helped me to address thoughts and emotions that I have held at bay the last 2 years.  I am glad I have an outlet now to 'express' not 'suppress' and post some of my writing to those of you who truly understand. I hope it helps you all in some way - maybe simply in the fact that we understand eachother. 

Maybe in heaven it doesn't hurt so much

Maybe in heaven you can still feel my touch

Maybe in heaven you don't cry

Maybe in heaven…

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Added by icecream on May 28, 2014 at 4:29pm — 2 Comments

Wedding anniversary

I'm very new to this group, as I have tried to avoid the pain and grief, but we all know that you can only hold it in for so long. This sunday would be our one year wedding anniversary, and I'm quite afraid of how to handle it all I can seem to think about is the life we could be having and what will never be. Any pointers on how to cope?

Added by cjh0588 on May 28, 2014 at 11:01am — 5 Comments

The Gift of Non-Judgment

Early on I heard a lot of opinions about everything! And for a long time it felt like I couldn’t do anything right for anyone, even for or especially for myself, because the voices and opinions of others was so very LOUD I couldn’t even hear what I wanted. After the dust settled and I closed myself off from the outside world I slowly began to hear for myself what I needed and wanted. And I began acting on that knowledge. Of course with actions came judgment and hurtful criticisms but…

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Added by flannery on May 28, 2014 at 6:58am — 2 Comments

No more emails

When Debbie died, I had to of coarse take care of all the business that needed to be taken care of. It was really hard to do, all I wanted to do was hide under the blanket. In a way, maybe it helped staying busy, takung care of everything. Part of that was, checking her emails, and letting people know that she was no longer here. Unsubscribing to miscellaneous. Email services and programs. Cleaning out the inboxes and saved emails. It took quite a while to do. At first, I would check it every… Continue

Added by JK (OK) on May 27, 2014 at 3:52pm — 7 Comments

A Letter From the Future

Two months ago my therapist had me write a letter to myself from me but from my future self five years from now. When she first told me what she wanted me to do and what I wanted to say was, "seriously, you seriously want me to do this? I have NO idea what I would tell myself from the future or even what I hope my future would look like if I could dream it up!-which of course was the  under lying reason she wanted me to do it. To think about what if? but not in my normal, morbid my person…

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Added by flannery on May 27, 2014 at 12:25pm — 3 Comments

The Shock and the Sadness

on 12th April my 51 year old husband went sailing in the morning. He never came home, a policeman came to my door at 4 pm and gently told me that Paul had died, that lots of people had tried to save him, including the air ambulance personnel.

I then told my son, not as gently, as was shocked. Afterwards Sean told me that he was shocked by this, but the way I handled everything immediately afterwards made up for it.

I drove us to the hospital to see him and believe that the…

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Added by maryj on May 27, 2014 at 11:21am — 2 Comments

THe PRISM OF WIDOWHOOD

"The prism of widowhood clarifies priorities." I wrote that on my planner on the Monday of Feb. 24, 2014, a few days before what would have been our 23rd wedding anniversary. For some reason, today I opened up to that page in my planner.

I guess in a way widowhood is a sort of laser vision. What is important? Family, love, friends, and time spent together with those we cherish. 

I now have this effective filter that strains out so much of the rubbish…

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Added by Mariposa on May 27, 2014 at 11:01am — 1 Comment

Last night I woke up crying.

Last night I woke up crying, every time I laid back down I started crying again.  I am lonely, no, make that I am very lonely. In the daylight I can be quite philosophical about all of this, my progress towards acceptance, my making a new life for myself.  But in my night I am not so able to see the progress, only the aching hole where my husband and family life used to be.  Because it was duty in a way that kept my children coming to see us, now he is gone they…

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Added by only1sue on May 26, 2014 at 5:00pm — 2 Comments

Appetizer for two, when you are only one.

I went for a bike ride today in the historic district of my town. I went with a meetup group called Casual Bikers, which is exactly what I am. I have never met a hill I actually like, and this group goes about avoiding them in a nice manner. It was as beautiful a Connecticut day as you can have. Clear, dry, warm but not too warm. We have had tons of rain so the grass and the trees are a brilliant emerald green, while the spring flowers are at their peak, in every bright color you can think…

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Added by Paula on May 25, 2014 at 2:58pm — 3 Comments

Memorial Day: Year Three

Oh, cripe, Memorial Day is coming again! It will be my third since Don died and I'm still not sure how I want to design my personal traditions for marking this sadiversary/holiday. I’d feel guilty if I didn’t do something to acknowledge the M word day. Before Don’s stroke we had a long standing tradition of going to eight or nine grave sites in cemeteries spread out over several counties. He cared about decorating his ancestors’ graves. He decorated graves with his parents long before I came…

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Added by Blue Snow on May 25, 2014 at 5:30am — 2 Comments

Daddy's Eyes

Dear Gabby,

Do you remember your Daddy’s eyes?  His eyes showed you who he was, and who you were to him. If you can’t remember I will tell you about them as best I can. When your Daddy looked at you, love and adoration was spoken into your heart. When you first started to smile it was because of an uninhibited reaction by your Daddy’s look of unrelenting love that radiated…

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Added by Gina on May 24, 2014 at 8:30pm — 1 Comment

Not My Grief - The New Road Starts Again

 

My heart is breaking right now.  This time it is not about My Grief – but on my dearest and beloved friend who is about to start on this long hard journey.  Her husband is in Hospice as I am writing this.  Her husband was one who basically had nine lives – came really close to death and he came back fighting.  But, then they said he would not get any better.  And the family had to decide should we prolong his life or stop dialysis and start with Hospice.  Lots of paper work and as…

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Added by judy on May 23, 2014 at 9:51am — 12 Comments

The Body Mourns Too? Ugg, Good Grief!

Early on I was of course consumed by wracking sobs and sleepless nights. I knew that my soul was beaten and badly. I knew that my heart physically hurt for the loss of John. I knew that I shook at the mere thought of the next day and if I could get through it. I knew the sore eyes, raw throat and stuffy nose from hours of crying from grief. I knew and understood the emotional and even much of the spiritual grieving that I was doing. It was hideous and hard but expected and really quite…

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Added by flannery on May 22, 2014 at 1:30pm — 4 Comments

I'm Not Dead

My husband died.  I did not.  I’m still alive, I’m still here.  Please don’t forget that.  Yes, a large part of me died on the day I lost him.  But i’m still here!!!!  I’m not a couple anymore, i”m a single.  I’m still here!!   I’m finding new friends, a process that is very strange for me.  I’m trying to keep my old ones as well.  My life is changing, I’m changing, its the only constant in life.  We all change.  I was afraid of losing who I was.  Now I know, of course I will lose who…

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Added by Springwater762 on May 22, 2014 at 12:37pm — 1 Comment

Guilt-Letting it Go



 I watched this beautiful short documentary about a teenager named Zach Sobiach who died from a rare form of cancer. He knew he was going to die, everyone knew he was going to die and he lived with this knowledge with such grace. He used his time, while he had it. He was loved and celebrated by his family and friends. I believe he was sick for a few years.

I watched this documentary and then I saw a trailer for a movie about teenagers living with cancer and how they lived…

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Added by MissingRKK on May 21, 2014 at 11:36am — 6 Comments

Plane Truth

 

 

“If your actions do not prove the truth of your words,…

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Added by hendrixx2 on May 20, 2014 at 8:49pm — 5 Comments

May 2012 "Hospice"

May 10, 2012. The hospital bed arrived today. They set it up in the family room, overlooking Wayne's beautiful garden. Wayne's in the house watching westerns. From the garden, I call our good friend and leader of our Rosary Foundation, Ray Skop. Ray is known as "the holy man with a twist" He's a little psychic, actually he's very psychic.

I tell Ray that the Dr has ordered hospice for Wayne, but she doesn't think Wayne is going to die anytime soon.

I ask Ray, "what do…

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Added by Patience (Diane) on May 20, 2014 at 4:30pm — 11 Comments

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