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May 2014 Blog Posts (41)

the slowly changing season

I've just had some friends visit for an overnight visit.  These dear people have been coming here every couple of years after a visit to her brother further north of me.  It is nice to have visitors but oh how quiet the house seems when they are gone.  Last night we had dinner and sat and talked and talked and talked and tonight I am here alone again.  Hard not to be sad that there is no-one here with me.  Sigh.

The time away…

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Added by only1sue on May 19, 2014 at 4:38am — 5 Comments

A question on affection. How do you fill the void?

Each iota of every moment loneliness slashes and cuts deep. I spend lots of time with friends and at work but that pain doesn't leave.  The lack of touch and softness is killing me. Not sexual mind you but affection.  I hope those reading appreciate the distinction. Laying in bed, arms and legs intertwined, watching a movie, gently breathing or laughing or anything. I just miss it so much.  A hug when I get home from work.  Her smile too, but that is not the point of this post.  From her…

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Added by Spazzola (JohnLee) on May 18, 2014 at 11:45pm — 10 Comments

New beginings

Today I went to a new church, not our church.  It was so much harder than I thought it would be.  I was as they say in my grief share class "ambushed by grief" on my way home.  I just want Jason here, I want him back.  I don't want to be a single mom, I dont want my children to grow up without their daddy!  Revelation was the message, Talking about the end of the world, of death.  I feel death.  All the time.  I wasnt…

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Added by Springwater762 on May 18, 2014 at 12:40pm — 1 Comment

My story

My husband of 33.5 years passed away 5 days after his 57th birthday from Multiple Myeloma. He suffered for three years. He was a quiet guy who never complained about anything or anyone.  He loved to play his music and keep parties at home. In fact when we moved into this house he took down walls to build a party room with a dance floor and a disco ball and all the blinking lights etc. With his stereo going full blast, he entertained many people here at the house over the years. His car was…

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Added by Gaining Strength on May 17, 2014 at 6:30pm — 7 Comments

Living with Pain

How do you live with CONSTANT stress in your life?  I know how.   One day at a time.  One hour, one second if you have to.  I know what it feels like to have facing even tomorrow seem like an avalanche of boulders about to squash you.  So you kinda create a “bubble” and only focus on the present.  What do I need to do now?  What has to happen in this moment?  When Jason would leave, or was home and “sick” that’s how I coped.  Now that he’s gone, its again, how I cope on my bad days.…

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Added by Springwater762 on May 17, 2014 at 2:29pm — 2 Comments

May 2012 Part I "The Road to Hospice"

I thought this would be a short essay, like my previous posts.  I was wrong, this is a long story.

 Wayne and I married young-we grew up together!  Wayne used to be the most energetic person I ever met. He ran his own business, had many hobbies; sometimes I felt I had to wait in line to talk to him!  We have two grown daughters.  We are definitely a team. Well, the leader of our team is definitely slowing down.

May 1, 2012. Wayne, has been fighting prostate cancer since…

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Added by Patience on May 16, 2014 at 11:00am — 10 Comments

The widow who counted cars

Here is my funny story for tonight. When my husband was alive, one of the things that I hated to do was shop for cars. He LOVED the process. When it was time to get a car the thing would take a year. Entire weekends devoted to it. Hours on the computer. Newspaper ads analyzed. Then, a strategy decided on. When the moment finally arrived and he was ready to get the best deal he could he would pretty much throw himself on the hood of the desired car declare his love and claim…

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Added by Paula on May 15, 2014 at 9:30am — 4 Comments

The Day You Died

The day you died.  The day I joined this club, the widows club. It was a horrible day. The day I had to do the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. The day I had to tell our kids that you were not coming home, the day I had to tell them you were in heaven. It was a strange day, I had been here before, sorta, when you’d disappear, I would tell them you’d be home eventually though, and we would pray for you. Now, today, I didn’t get to say that. Today, I had to say, you weren’t here,…

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Added by Springwater762 on May 15, 2014 at 8:00am — 6 Comments

"I'm going to ask you questions about...ummmm

.....paper shuffling, looking, looking...umm....finds name on page.. Paul."  This is how the probate lawyer started his conversation with me this afternoon in the courtroom, when prepping me for the heirship and administration hearing. Two years ago, this kind of thing would have made me furious. Today, it simply annoyed me.  Perhaps it is the passing of time, or perhaps it is because I have come to expect so little from people when it comes to being sensitive and respectful when it comes to…

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Added by AEDforever (Ali) on May 14, 2014 at 9:11pm — 4 Comments

travelling - distance gives perspective

I have just been away for two weeks.  It was a long planned holiday, out to visit my son and his family in their new town, on to a convention with old friends, then down to my daughter for Mothers Day. I travelled by plane, bus and train and managed to do it all independently apart from the trip form Broken Hill to Adelaide (six hours) which I did with my son as my transport arrangements didn't work out and he drove me down with me paying his fuel…

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Added by only1sue on May 13, 2014 at 7:52pm — 2 Comments

Am I going to start licking windows now Doc?

(These are just my thoughts at the time of this meeting with the doc. PTSD is very serious and I don't mean to demean the sydrome with poking fun at myself. Many of our soldiers suffer from this sydrome. The humor is poked at me only and my feelings on how I have felt during this time)

I finally made that step to seek out professional help.  I found a highly recommended grief counselor here in our little city in the PNW.  I haven't been ready to share my…

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Added by IndiaKai on May 13, 2014 at 6:00pm — 5 Comments

Maka Ochante: Lakota for “A Sense of Place”

Maka Ochante: Lakota for “A Sense of Place”

Although I am not of Native decent, I have ties to and great respect for the Lakota, Sioux First Nation. Maka Ochante is a Sioux phrase that describes the idea of a not only a sense of place as in a physical spot having its own history and its own energy but about bringing yourself to that place, putting down roots and engaging with the environment respectfully and with reverence for what it offers. I might add as well, in my mind that it is…

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Added by flannery on May 12, 2014 at 10:00am — 3 Comments

So, It Goes On...

This will be the…

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Added by hendrixx2 on May 10, 2014 at 9:02pm — 5 Comments

I am a widow

I still find that hard to say. I'm a widow.

Six months a widow. I don't think things have gotten much better. I'm still bitter and angry. This week has been difficult,and now Mother's Day.  I wasn't his mother but I was the mother of his children and he always made it a special day for me.

Then my birthday is May 26th and what would have been our 45th anniversary is May 31st. Follow that up with Fathers Day in June. My summer is off to a rough start...

I took that short…

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Added by Charlies wife on May 10, 2014 at 4:52pm — 10 Comments

My wonderful world of women friends

What would I do without my girlfriends? They have always been very important, and I put considerable effort into keeping lifelong pals along with cultivating new ones as I’ve moved through my adult life.

But at no time have my friends been as vital to my well-being as the last three years. When Tom was diagnosed with brain cancer and our world fell apart, women friends (including my sister, sister in laws and cousins) swooped to help me cope. They…

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Added by lifeafterwidowhood on May 10, 2014 at 7:37am — No Comments

A John Shaped Hollowness

“Do you ever get lonely Mama?” my twenty year old daughter asked a few days ago when she was visiting. I merely nodded my head at first but then decided to add some clarification. “I get lonely, but I get lonely for John. Really, most days I’m fine by myself and don’t want for too much company, but I get lonely specifically for John.”

I think this is one of those widowed specific problems that someone who hasn’t lost “their person” has a hard time understanding. I know for me,…

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Added by flannery on May 6, 2014 at 7:30am — 9 Comments

My lovely and sweet rabbit died today

I love my animals dearly.  She loved them more than I could imagine.  It was her rabbit.  She was named Bun Bun and died 10 years old.  Which is good for bunny years.  I knew her death was coming at some point, it is a hard pill to swallow.  I feel guilty that I haven't spent anywhere near the time I used to prior to Kari's death 6 months ago.  So since i've moved I at least gave her a much bigger cage. It doesn't mean anything that I haven't pet her as much as I used to.  I have been so…

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Added by Spazzola (JohnLee) on May 6, 2014 at 4:05am — 1 Comment

Two Days of Tears

I cannot stop crying. I've been like this for two days. I have just passed the 6 month mark since Brennan died. I had expected it to be difficult, but I find myself feeling more hopeless than I've ever felt before. I thought I was "doing better", but now realize I was distracted by the other things that come along with death. I have had to deal with some estate issues and the disgustingly greedy behaviors these events can bring out in people. I have been handling it all better than I ever…

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Added by TracyB on May 4, 2014 at 8:19am — 8 Comments

Don't "Should" On Yourself

Yesterday  I had lunch with a friend of mine who has been widowed for 25 years or so. I've emailed her off and on throughout this last year and a half but have avoided actually seeing her for lack of wanting someone who really knows what this grief is really like, to see the pain that is there. But I finally gave into my better judgement, and I'm really glad I did.

First off, she is okay. She still talks of her husband and remembers every small detail of his passing. She also, after…

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Added by flannery on May 4, 2014 at 7:00am — 5 Comments

Grief Triggers and When to Call for Back-Up

After my most recent, an epically awful meltdown that lasted the better part of a week, I let my friend Jake in on my current messy and fragile state. “I don’t know what triggered this last grief meltdown,” I confided over the phone to him. “Well you spent a lot of time doing yard work on Saturday and were pretty wiped out. I think when we get really tired it gets worse.” A small fragment of light flickered in my brain, ‘Yes, yes I thought. I was incredibly tired after a days worth of yard…

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Added by flannery on May 2, 2014 at 7:30am — 1 Comment

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