Does this ever get easier or do you ever find yourself again? I feel as the anniversary of Kenny's death approaches that I feel more and more alone even when there are others around. Maybe I'm being self-centered...I don't know but I feel I've lost not only him but myself and my happiness. As this day approaches next month I feel the heaviness in my chest and the dread of reliving the dreadful day.
I was alone for Mother's Day but did get the texts from my sons and a phone call from my daughter and spoke to both of her children so I was okay. Ray never made much of Mother's Day , I was the one who bought the presents for us all and nice cards for our Mums so my boys followed him in that. Boys need a good example to be set for them. It was one of his failings I guess that he didn't see the example he was setting. He always said he showed he cared by the way he worked for us not by the…Continue
It's been 5 long hard months since the day my sweet, wild, and wonderful Jerry passed away. It's been a real struggle to grow, and keep learning. Sometimes, I pushed myself, sometimes others have pushed me. Then there were the times when I threw in the towel and just had a bad day! Grief is hard work and it's taken me on one helluva ride. (Okay, stop I'd like to get off here.)....
Unfortunately, getting off isn't an option. I loved hard, therefore I grieve hard. I wouldn't change a…Continue
I hate when memories sneak up on you. Days you should remember, days that should stick out, somehow get lost in the shuffle of grief and sneak up on you unawares. I'm a Millenial, so of course it was Facebook that reminded me this morning: 4 years ago Debbie & Shane Got Engaged! The post showed photos we were tagged in together--a glimpse into our relationship...from wedding photos, to a photo of his urn with our wedding rings on top of it and a picture of us kissing in the background. I…Continue
In reflecting back a decade ago when I became a widow, there was much confusion about the meaning of "identity". There was a particular word that caused many flame wars, it was the word "independent". Many widows were hurt by it, they felt condescended &/or dismissed. Their role as a housewife, mother or low wage employee was seemingly reduced - interpreted as being a dependent similar to a child. Their love for their spouse that him/her happy & safe as well other contributions were…Continue
It has been over five years since you left. In that time, I bought a house and sold it and moved again. I found a man who cares about me, and after we spent many months traveling across this nation, we decided to commit to a relationship. Most days life is wonderful and safe and comfortable again. There are some days -- and sleepless nights -- that still feel lonely and confusing. Today in my reading I found a sentence that helps me understand this mish-mash of emotions: "…Continue