I was only gone for 3 days staying with my in-laws but it was hard to be away. I don't know about anyone else but just being around KC's things makes me feel closer to him. He made so many beautiful things in our home. One of his hobbies was wood working. When I touch the things that he made knowing my hands are running across the same place as his did I can almost feel him. It's almost as if I am touching him in some way and that gives me just a small moment of peace. At this point I will…

First & foremost I want to thank you all for your sweet comments on my blog & all the Congrats on Jaxon's birth! I really appreciate all your kind words, the support here is amazing!

I am having a really rough time, I'm completely in love with this sweet boy, he's absolutely amazing & I am blessed beyond words to have these 4 healthy beautiful children... but for some reason, since having Jaxon last week, Mike's death has hit me that much harder. I didn't think i was still…

I guess I never expected life to turn out this way.  In fact, I know I never expected this.  I did not know life could be hard or difficult.  I was happily sheltered from that when I was younger.  We had what we needed, a few extras when we were able, and we got through.  I never knew the bad.

I always dreamed (circa 15 years old) that I'd go to Northwestern University, take over for Katie Couric when she either quit or retired (when she quit I was secretly vying her job) and travel…

Loss comes in all shapes and sizes; through people, dreams and difficulties.  I met Shanelle of Full of Bliss Baked Goods (BTW - she makes a butt kicking makes anyone feel better chocolate chocolate chocolate cake) at my very first "Tweetup" here in Lancaster.  Maybe it was our matching uber-Lancaster county roots that drew me to her, but I sat next to her and enjoyed her humor, her…

Facebook is not just for the living.  There you'll find my late husband, Kevin Boitson.  After a devastating alert passed across my screen telling me "You haven't connected with Kevin in a while" when he had been dead a couple of months, I was informed by friends that I could immortalize him in Facebook by having his active page changed to a memoriam page.  The only way one knows this is by clicking on his Facebook page to see…

When I say words ending with "ion" in my head I do it with an Adam Sandler voice.  I believe somewhere in the history of TV, movies or in my generally freaked out personality Adam Sandler would say words ending in "tion" or "ion" where his tone goes high with a question mark ending.  Today's word is frustratION.

I get frustrated a LOT.  I wonder if it's any more than the average person (whoever that is) or if I just get sick of putting on the happy face and being grateful for my…

The final report from the NTSB was published today and I thought I'd be able to handle it. I've heard it all before after all. There's only one problem.........this report is final! I just have to tell myself that Bill would never take a chance. He just wasn't like that. He would never disregard his family or the family of his son. NEVER!!!!!

I hate going back to that day and wondering if they knew what was happening upon take off. Was there any time? Were they scared? Oh my…

While I no longer get that guilty feeling for living and enjoying my life, I still get a feeling of missing Yuri intensely and wishing he were here with me to share these experiences. There is no denying I live my life fully and completely.  I have my priorities in line; I have goals and plans for reaching them. I work hard and play hard. I may not be the best, but I am the best me.

I carry Yuri with me in all that I do.  When I wake up on Monday morning, I am greeted by his…

Jaxon Levi arrived Wednesday, 6-22-11 at 1:15pm... 8lbs 12ozs & 21 1/2 inches!

He looks just like his Daddy!

We got home yesterday…

This week would have been mine and Joanne's 21st wedding anniversary. Its one of those times that could be good or bad depending on how it goes. Thankfully we are also celebrating my son Matthew's 17th birthday so there's some happiness mixed in as well. It should be a good week but we'll have to see.

 …

I can't stop myself from telling people my husband died. Now what's that all about? Ken died five and a half years ago, yet I haven't reached the point yet where I can keep it to myself. I'm like a little parrot: my husband died, my husband died, my husband died. It's like a verbal tic; it has to come out. It's the fact that must be known.

I will say that I have improved in this regard. I rarely tell total strangers anymore while standing in line at the post office and I…

Today I came upon this song by David Archuleta, my husband liked this young man ever since his time on American Idol.  He always called him his boy and was looking so forward to see what this boy would do in the future and then I heard this song today. It should be an anthem to all of us. I think it is great and it made feel so much better like maybe just maybe there is light at the end of the road. I hope you like it.…

The debate about what to do with your wedding rings when your spouse dies is unending. I struggled with moving my rings to my right hand and removing them. I assured myself, this is what I needed to do as a part of a natural healing process. 

On June 4, 2007, the one year anniversary of Yuri's death, I transferred my rings from my left hand to my right.  I was preparing to move across the country to attempt to start fresh.  I moved from Boston to San Diego in hopes of…

I never thought that the days would get worse after the initial few weeks.  I now think that the shock that came in the beginning has lifted.  And it seems with it the fog has also gone from my mind.  I shifted from being stuck on auto pilot to start to be able to make decisions.  From feeling numb to now feeling the pain that much more.  Emotions run array, never knowing when the next wave hits.  And I can’t stop me from falling, crumbling under the weight of sorrow.  Last week was a bad…

What I wouldn't give;

to hear him play his guitar

to receive one of his sweet texts early in the morning from work

to hear him pull into the driveway at the end of the day…

My daughter got married on Saturday.

Her dad's brother walked her down the aisle-

(her request "He looks a little like Dad") 

I hated every minute of it.

IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN HER DAD!

I said NO to him wearing a tux

and NO to him getting a boutonniere

He's NOT HER DAD DAMMIt

He's just a proxy

Standing in for her dad

Who should have been there

I held in my tears and emotions the whole day

as I…

My world without you is a desolate dark place.  Ten endlessly long weeks have gone by, frozen in time.  While, the time that was given to us now seems to rush by me, unable to slow it down to allow for just one more minute with you.  We knew this time would come but we did not know the day and when it finally did come I was still not ready for your passing.  My days are harder now and endless long.  I feel so lost and alone, nothing makes any sense. …

Decided to go visit family this past weekend after having a really rough week.  I needed to seek comfort, but when I got there I noticed that they needed more comfort.  So I shut myself down and built up my walls for I had to be strong for those I love.  (Sigh)..it always feels good to be there for everyone, but I never have anyone really there when I desperately need someone.  I just wanted to be held this weekend.  I have really been missing be held in John's arms.  I know if I would have…