My heart died the day yours stopped beating.

Sitting here alone trying to figure out my life

They call me widow, I call me your wife.

I will never understand why

I am still living and you had to die.

I put on a face for everyone to see

they think I'm okay, only I know that could never be

me here without you...you there without me.

I promise to try, give it all I got

Life is lonely, don't know if people can see

I'm broken…

Eighteen years ago tonight my whirlwind romance with my beloved Sergio began. Eleven years ago tonight we were engaged to be married. On September 11th, 2001, he never came home from his assigned firehouse in Brooklyn...

I have been happily re-”married” since 2006, and this day is still deeply embedded in my heart and memories- it always will be. Today I choose to honor Sergio by sharing a little piece of him with all of you-- here is the eulogy I delivered at his…

Many of my friends have been reading with much enthusiasm…

I was having coffee with a friend today (i.e. laying on my couch, as I have a bout of Chronic Fatigue and am just beat). We were talking a relationship I have with a couple of old friends that has gone Deep South. Very sad. A fifty year friendship. While we were talking about this, she recalled a convention she attended about positive thinking and forgiveness. The man running the conference suggested writing three positive memories a day about the person. The researcher who had studied this…

I am taking vacation next week. I usually am excited for a whole week off. I am not. A week at the cabin usually refreshes me. The water does that for me. I am hopeful...if I ever get there. I am not ready. Haven't been shopping, haven't packed. Not sure I want to go anymore. Part of me wants to stay home. Pack up his cloths finally. Clean out the bedroom. Move the furniture around. Finally.

I will go. The grass has to be cut. It will be a jungle up there after all the rains. But I am…

Went to Kohl's today. In between work and Hospice Grief support group. Not sure why i did this except i had 45 mins to fill before the group started.  First thing i notice as i put the car in park is..you nails look terrible..Paul wouldn't like this.  He always liked my nails manicured and polished.  Then i went in the store. The last time i shopped here i was picking out things for our Alaska triip. So, it felt like, what am i shopping for now? Nothing really.  No event. No special…

I don't know if there is ANYONE out there that is in this place... I am STUCK.. I am stuck in the past, I am still mourning his loss, I pass his picture and tell him I love him...

I am not a total basket case, I did remarry, to a CRAZY MAN, we had a child, and split after 5 years.  SO, I have Tim, the one who past, our son is now 22 (was 3 at time of Tim's death , um which was MURDER!)   and Jessica is 16... Both kids are doing great have active lives and are just…

In advance I'd like to apologize for my defective mood and possibly my horrid proclivity in expressing myself in this blog.  I am not in a positive place at the moment.  I may use distasteful language, just so everyone's warned.

JUNE;

although some wonderful, unexpected things happened to me this June, for the most part June has been just fucking substandard.  I know that it's expected considering it's still under a year since the sudden passing of my…

I received an unexpected letter in the mail today...yes an actual letter not an email!  It was from my sister-in-law with whom I have had some brief but thoughtful conversations over the past few weeks following my husbands suicide.   She wanted to share a devotional with me to help on my journey.  This touched me so much I felt it worth sharing with everyone here.  Religion aside for those who do not believe...the message remains the same.  We need to take time in our lives to mourn all…

Another Step Forward in Advocating for and Bringing Awareness to those of us who are widowed and were not legally married to our beloveds at the time we lost them (Unwedded Widows) …

This August I am facilitating a small group/ workshop session specifically for Unwedded Widows/ Widows who were not legally married.

Earlier this year, I facilitated this workshop at Camp Widow East and it was he first ever workshop…

I am sure some of you have asked yourself this question.

Here I am going on twenty five months since Little Esther left this earth and I find myself still asking, today I finally reached a truthful answer.

The answer is no, I didn't force the issue with the doctors in the early stages and I feel that her life may have been saved if I had just taken the initiative and not allowed the doctors to dictate the decisions that were made.  My wife was the type of patient that had total…

Last year, 2011, I wrote a post for the first International Widows day and I have added to that post for today’s post!

*******

If you read just one blog of mine, this would be in the stack of ones that I hope you would read and that you would follow through with and share with others.

June 23…

Taken at our spot during my run on Wednesday June 19th.

Wishing Hubbie was with me to enjoy this beautiful day. Always with me.

For 27 months I was apprehensive about tagging Greg in any new photos (taken after losing him) because of any potential backlash from people.

Honestly I was…

In my attempts to help mend the tattering effect grief has had on the fabric of my brain,…

First visit to the Grave

Finally went this morning.



Been talking about it for months.

Trying to figure out the perfect day

the right people to go with

the right time of daY



i just decided last night.

i had not had too much too drink (rare these days)

and went to bed early, and had decided

i would get up early and just go

and so i did



i gased up

i went by kroger and got roses

i drove thru mcdonalds and got a sausage biscuit…