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June 2015 Blog Posts (27)

30th Birthday.. AKA It's my party and I can cry if I want to..

Today is my 30th birthday. Ive cried off and on for the last week thinking about today. I do not want to face today. I do not want to be starting the next decade of my life without him. I got to celebrate his 40th birthday with him, why didn't he get to celebrate my 30th birthday with me. Of course I am happy we got to celebrate my 29th birthday together. It is a memory I will cling onto, but I cant help but feel like all of this shit is unfair.

All I want for my birthday is for him…

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Added by ShelisJenkins (TiffanyLynn) on June 29, 2015 at 7:17am — 6 Comments

Showing Up, Sometimes That's The Best We Can Do

This week I attended the funeral of a friend’s mother. Since John died funerals are harder than they used to be. I flash back to few memories I have of the week John died, of his funeral, of his body there but not there. It’s hard to be present for others in their time of need when your mind flashes back to such trauma.…

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Added by flannery on June 26, 2015 at 8:30pm — 4 Comments

Connect the Dots-A Fear Based Game

I’m wondering if anyone else goes through life trying to connect the dots? If anyone else out there looks at the weeks or months leading up to their person’s death and tries to see a pattern or warnings that they might have missed the first time in an attempt to keep it from happening again? Then again-maybe it’s just my special brand of crazy talking here. My deep desire for some sort of logic or understanding or feeble idea of control around the uncontrollable.  Either way, this week I…

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Added by flannery on June 26, 2015 at 8:26pm — 4 Comments

Identity Crisis

I just finished reading Confessions of a Mediocre Widow by Catherine Tidd, It was a great read, especially for a young widow and I loved that it was a memoir rather than an advice book. It made me feel a little less crazy, which was much needed, but it also got me thinking. 

What I realize now at just over four months, is that I'm in the middle of an identity crisis. I'm not only trying to figure out who I am now as a single person...heck, just as a person. I…

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Added by CandJ02 on June 25, 2015 at 4:56pm — 6 Comments

a description of grief

This is from a book I ran across at the library called To Bless the Space Between Us by John O'Donohue.  It touched my heart.  

For Grief

When you lose someone you…

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Added by bis4betsy on June 23, 2015 at 7:39pm — 3 Comments

an innocent question

My shopping habits used to be so predictable, every Saturday morning like clockwork.  For 27 years while I was married I don't think I really varied from that routine much.  Friday was payday which meant I could stock up for the coming week.  Now I just go when I really have no food in my house that I want to eat and it doesn't matter what day of the week or time of day it is, I simply go.  …

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Added by bis4betsy on June 21, 2015 at 7:30pm — 3 Comments

Time Stays Still

Time Stays Still for me.

I miss my Husband, I am supposed to miss my Husband.

I realize now that the yearning for him never goes away.

That from the moment he left me, time stays still for me.

Today is Father's Day and Hubby is not here.

He was such a good Dad to his two, my Step-daughters,

and our two together, one Son and one Daughter.

Such a good Daddy to his four children.

My thoughts are all over the place today.

The weather…

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Added by Sad One on June 21, 2015 at 3:35pm — No Comments

Father's Day

Father's Day ... a particularly difficult day to think about. It opens up too many wounds that have yet to begin to heal. With my father passing six weeks before my husband, I have barely acknowledged his absence. I love this photo of my husband with That Baby, as he always called her. It captures the continuum (a continuous sequence in which adjacent elements are not perceptibly different from each other, although the extremes are quite distinct) of life. Two months after her birth,…

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Added by Deborah B on June 21, 2015 at 12:02pm — 2 Comments

my husband frankie

My husband frankie was a very kind and loving person, very spiritual in his own way. Today i miss him. It"s father's day and i don't think the outside world really gets what's it's like when the father is so young and gone.I always think of father as being the older man, like my father, whose been gone a long time now.But what about the father's that aren't here anymore-the husband's that are gone. Not much is said about them. I miss my husband today, even though we never made a big tadoo…

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Added by littlelamb on June 21, 2015 at 8:18am — No Comments

Does one ever stop being a widow

Its been forever since I last looked in .Three years and one thinks 'I've got things under control' The whirlwind of family work makes one forget how truly alone One is.Then it strikes you and you feel that old familiar ache and run to sob into his clothes that occupy a little corner of your closet.

I have realized how alone and lonely I am.Little wonder then that I blog out my grief mourning with strangers who will never know me :(

I would like to travel but can't bear the idea of… Continue

Added by Denise on June 21, 2015 at 5:45am — 9 Comments

Where Do I Fit In With His Family?

I mean -- am I still an in-law to them? In the two years since my husband died I have been fiercely embraced at times and avoided at other times. I was married to their brother for 41 years. The relationship I have with them has, of course, changed greatly. I am different and so are they. The strange thing is that all of my nieces and nephews (all grown now) treat me exactly the same as before. Not so with their parents. My side of the family treats me just as they always have.



So I… Continue

Added by Choosing life on June 19, 2015 at 4:21pm — 2 Comments

Reconstruction Blues....

My Sweetie Monika passed away in April 2015 after a 6 1/2 year battle with breast cancer.  She was diagnosed as late stage 3 on her 35th birthday in 2008 and was stage 4 in 2010.  She never let the cancer stop her from being a wonderful mother first, then wife and friend.  Even toward that later stages this year when she lost her vision and then had difficulty moving/talking, she still were very aware and made notice when either/both Maia and Evan (8yo and 7yo) were fighting or crying...she…

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Added by brokenhearted on June 19, 2015 at 6:25am — 1 Comment

The awkwardness of past tense

27 years ......

That's how long my Hubby and I were married and together until he passed Feb 10, 2011.

For the first 3 or so years I only referred to my Ralph in the present tense.

People looked at me strange, and the air in the room went still for a second or more.

It is only until recently I have started to refer to him, my Husband, in the past tense.

It feels and sounds strange to me. Why am i referring to my Husband in the past tense?

Isn't he…

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Added by Sad One on June 17, 2015 at 3:32pm — 2 Comments

Getting Harder With Time

I've read and been told by my fiance's family that a person who is grieving shouldn't make any major life decisions for the first year after his or her loss. But how is that possible? Doesn't losing the person you love and have dedicated your life to force you to start making major life decisions immediately? 

Two weeks after I lost Philip I had to go to a job interview in another state. I guess I didn't have to go, but I went because I didn't have a job and we'd moved in with my…

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Added by CandJ02 on June 12, 2015 at 7:14pm — 7 Comments

I want to keep sleeping

Today I am hurting, I'm hurting bad, not to say I don't hurt everyday, but today it's as though there's a heavy weight on my shoulders that try as I may I cannot distract off myself.....tomorrow my babes will be gone 4 months, how can that even be possible? How am I even still here? How am I able to go to work, style my hair, crave and want food, desire entertainment, or do anything knowing he is not physically here? .....it's not fair and I keep asking myself, What now?! Where do I go from… Continue

Added by Young Widow on June 11, 2015 at 7:30am — 6 Comments

I'm new here but not to grief!!

I may be a little different from some people here, but grief is nothing anyone else understands unless they have lived through it!! My 1st. husband killed himself, after he had kidnapped my daughter, he had stalked me, before that he had abused me in every way there is!! But to make a long ugly story short he gave me back my daughter, pulled the gun on me, I walked away! He was sick!!! But my 2nd husband was different, he did drugs, got hep.b from dirty needles, but he never hit me or hurt…

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Added by Katie on June 11, 2015 at 2:19am — 4 Comments

No, not much

Baby, if you ever go, could I take it, maybe so

Ah, but would I like it, no, not much

No, not much!

As the fourth wedding anniversary without him approaches, this song by The Four Lads keeps going through my head.  Especially these last few lines. The song was popular a few years before we met, but it was still around when we dated.  And I thought it fit our relationship to a T. He's gone now (three and a half years), and this lyric is how I felt when he died, and how…

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Added by sonja7 on June 10, 2015 at 4:42pm — No Comments

"So what does your husband do?"

"He lays in the ground", I want to say and "he visits me in my dreams", "he is around us always" and "there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of him", "it's still so very hard", but what I end up saying is: "he died 3 years ago- he was a computer guy".  They say they are sorry, and I mumble something about how it was a while ago and we are doing fine.  I hold my breath frozen to see if they will ask how he died so I can be mentally prepared, and if they don't ask then I breath a…

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Added by OriRising on June 10, 2015 at 12:30pm — 1 Comment

100th blog - A happy/sad blog

I was born in England. I was born close to where my father had been born, my father died in 2000 but I still miss him.  He was a good Dad and I was lucky to have him.  We had a similar sense of humour.  People when I was little told me:  "Your Dad will never be dead while you are alive." and I wondered how that could be.  But now I know I carry him with me. He is in my genes, I am Paddy's daughter.  I look like him, I speak like him and sometimes I even think like him.  It is a pity as my…

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Added by only1sue on June 10, 2015 at 12:30am — 2 Comments

Who to grieve?

I went to work that Friday satisfied with my life. I had a smart, charming husband who told me he loved me each day; a happy, healthy first-grader with a wiggly front tooth; a nice old house in a quiet neighborhood; and lots of friends.

It was a good life.

I came home that night to six police officers crammed shoulder-to-shoulder in the living room, interrogating my husband and searching our home. They opened every cupboard, overturned every basket, and pulled every file. They…

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Added by jlb on June 9, 2015 at 7:56pm — 5 Comments

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