As I leaned back into the sink, to have my hair washed by my longtime friend and hairdresser this last Saturday morning she asked me about Mark, the man I am dating.

“You love him, I can tell that, but are you allowing yourself to be all in with him?” She asked as her fingers rubbed my head, my temples, easing me into the conversation.

I replied, “I’m trying to. I want to, but I can’t help but have guilt and I often think, what about John?”

“Honey, John is dead.” Her…

http://youtu.be/vefOTVrpHKg

Right after Bill died I had a lot of problems. Tons of them, millions of them, and all of them, each and every one directly related to his death.  I was in the Hole. They ranged from a soul crushing paralyzing depression to the inability to open my garage door after a snow storm (of course I could not remove the snow) and power failure.  I had an old car with a lot of problems. I had lost my job and my career of over 29 years was over. Most of my friends went on what I call the widow…

Tomorrow is our anniversary.  Tomorrow is our second anniversary since he died.  Tomorrow is a day that we should be celebrating together.  Anniversaries are like that, not something you can celebrate alone.  So it will just be me remembering it I guess, can't think of any reason why anyone else will remember.

For our anniversary four years ago our children gave us a large photo in a silver frame, a colorized version of our wedding group.  I love it and it hangs where I can see it…

Waking up in the middle of the night gives me plenty of thinking time.  I had a week with one of the nasty winter viruses around this year - this one had a headache that lasted four days with fever and a really bad throat plus a cough.  Everything but the cough sees to have gone but coughing keeps me waking up and waking up keeps me thinking. And it is too cold to get up and wander around the house as I can in summer so I stay in bed under the covers and hope I will get back to…

If I could have just one more day

When you weren't sick - you were still OK

I'd hold your hand and never let go

I'd kiss you with the depth of my soul

I'd compliment you through the night

Put my arms around you - hold you tight

Run my fingers through your hair

We'd talk smile and laugh, like we hadn't a care

We'd tickle our daughters, laughing together

Build strong family bonds, forever and ever

Then I'd stop the clock and…

I’m packing my bags again. Hawaii is my next stop in this new crazy journey of widowhood. As I begin the process of packing for the move, I realize there is really not much to do.  The process this time should only take a few hours rather than days or even weeks.  With each move the past 2.5 years, the material items left to bring along with me have become fewer and fewer.  I have pared down to the bare minimum in order to be able to live this way.  Currently, there are clothes/shoes, some…

Sometimes I want to sing out loud.

I want to project my voice to the heavens, or wherever it is that you are, and show you that I am still in love with you.

That I will always be in love with you.

                                                               I love you.

                                                                                     I miss you!

missing you makes me want to float…

Last month was the 2^nd year anniversary of Cindy’s passing. I spent that day walking by myself and meditating on/thinking about Cindy as I walked. It was in a very quiet setting. I’m glad that I spent the day that way.

I’ve started to make more changes around the house. Putting things were they look the best to me. Making some donations runs. Keeping the house cleaned up (relatively speaking) at any given moment. It’s been a really good feeling. I’ve had a couple…

Last week while I was at yoga we did this new pose that was laying on your back with your legs and arms extended and hands and feet flexed. A little like reverse walking on your hands and feet or for me for a small moment the feeling on literally hanging from the Universe. It was a very freeing moment for me and yet a very helpless moment as the same time-the feeling of literally being held be the invisible, by being held by faith alone. How many times since John died have I walked into a…