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July 2014 Blog Posts (30)

Nobody Knows What To Say To Me

I used to let people come talk to me and I would listen. Now, in the "after" that is widowhood, I open conversations with "Listen, frankly, first of all, no one knows what to say to us (Collin and I) and we don't know what to say back".

I started doing it out of sheer desperation becuase otherwise I would be bombarded with really cruel (mostly unintentionally so) remarks by people like:

"You were meant to be alone". (REALLY?!? If that were the case I (1) wouldn't have… Continue

Added by Lakelady on July 30, 2014 at 6:30pm — No Comments

6-Months out today!

I've been a mess the last several days leading up to today. By mess I mean very bad sleep (no sleep in a 48-hr. period at its worst; and last night I got 2-hrs. off meds. I just plain forgot to take them). I've been shaking sometimes uncontrollably as well as catching myself crying by surprise. How does one cry and not know it until gasping for air when you thought you were getting by for that hour? I'm still having complications from a simple gallbladder surgery 2-weeks prior to my wife… Continue

Added by Doug02122014 on July 30, 2014 at 3:59pm — 10 Comments

New Skin

Today is Chris's birthday. It was so different then how it should have been. There was no cake, there was no date night, card or presents. The Tigers game was on the radio in the car, i turned that immediately off knowing it would have been on if Chris was still here. I feel guilt that none of this is the same, but i know I can not live as though he is still here. All of this, living without him is so unbelievably hard. The loneliness and the pain of him not being here is comparable, as i have… Continue

Added by Gina on July 29, 2014 at 7:57pm — 3 Comments

A letter about your Daddy in you

Dear Gabby,

Its been a little over five months since your Daddy went to live with Jesus. You're 15 months old and your Daddy is coming out in you more than ever before. When the sun was too bright or an internal concentration took over, your Dad's eyes would narrow and his mouth would stay slightly open. You have that same look.

Your across the face half smile with your top teeth showing is your Daddy. Your love of bouncy balls, basketballs, tennis balls, plastic baby… Continue

Added by Gina on July 29, 2014 at 7:55pm — 1 Comment

It's Complicated-Outsiders, Platitudes and Good Intentions

As I leaned back into the sink, to have my hair washed by my longtime friend and hairdresser this last Saturday morning she asked me about Mark, the man I am dating.

“You love him, I can tell that, but are you allowing yourself to be all in with him?” She asked as her fingers rubbed my head, my temples, easing me into the conversation.

I replied, “I’m trying to. I want to, but I can’t help but have guilt and I often think, what about John?”

“Honey, John is dead.” Her…


Added by flannery on July 28, 2014 at 8:30am — 4 Comments

Waking the Zombies

My son Collin and I were were eating frozen yogurt and talking about our lives. He said to me, "Mom, I am a zombie. I get up, go along, and cry when I need to, but mostly, I feel like a zombie."

He's right.

We are having a gorgeous summer here in Chicagoland (for you outsiders, that's what we call the "collar counties" that ring the city of Chicago). The sun is shining, the weather may get a bit hot some days, but it is apparently a pretty good summer.

My son… Continue

Added by Lakelady on July 27, 2014 at 6:41pm — No Comments

When do I stop having widow problems or is it always widow problems.

Right after Bill died I had a lot of problems. Tons of them, millions of them, and all of them, each and every one directly related to his death.  I was in the Hole. They ranged from a soul crushing paralyzing depression to the inability to open my garage door after a snow storm (of course I could not remove the snow) and power failure.  I had an old car with a lot of problems. I had lost my job and my career of over 29 years was over. Most of my friends went on what I call the widow…


Added by Paula on July 26, 2014 at 2:00pm — 6 Comments

Our wedding anniversary is tomorrow.

Tomorrow is our anniversary.  Tomorrow is our second anniversary since he died.  Tomorrow is a day that we should be celebrating together.  Anniversaries are like that, not something you can celebrate alone.  So it will just be me remembering it I guess, can't think of any reason why anyone else will remember.

For our anniversary four years ago our children gave us a large photo in a silver frame, a colorized version of our wedding group.  I love it and it hangs where I can see it…


Added by only1sue on July 26, 2014 at 5:15am — 4 Comments

9 months

I know it's been said over and over but how can the love of my life leave this earth at the young age of 44 and the world continue to spin and time march on. How can that be? I have promised to blog this journey but to be perfectly honest I was too busy living and surviving this hell to talk about it.

I cried for you today. I cried for me, for us, for our son. The tears are always right there on the edge and I never know when they are coming. I'm an emotional mess in my mind. To… Continue

Added by smp1122 on July 23, 2014 at 6:52pm — 3 Comments

Camp Widow Video Testimonials

Tanya Villanueva Tepper asked campers at the San Diego Camp Widow to video testimonials about their Camp experience.  Here are the first two that Michele posted on Facebook. (Permission was granted by Jenny & Michael to post here in Widowed Village.)


Added by Dianne in Nevada on July 21, 2014 at 6:05pm — 1 Comment

too much thinking time

Waking up in the middle of the night gives me plenty of thinking time.  I had a week with one of the nasty winter viruses around this year - this one had a headache that lasted four days with fever and a really bad throat plus a cough.  Everything but the cough sees to have gone but coughing keeps me waking up and waking up keeps me thinking. And it is too cold to get up and wander around the house as I can in summer so I stay in bed under the covers and hope I will get back to…


Added by only1sue on July 20, 2014 at 3:08am — 2 Comments

A Better Ending

If I could have just one more day

When you weren't sick - you were still OK

I'd hold your hand and never let go

I'd kiss you with the depth of my soul

I'd compliment you through the night

Put my arms around you - hold you tight

Run my fingers through your hair

We'd talk smile and laugh, like we hadn't a care

We'd tickle our daughters, laughing together

Build strong family bonds, forever and ever

Then I'd stop the clock and…


Added by icecream on July 19, 2014 at 6:29pm — 1 Comment

First Business Trip...After

Tomorrow I leave on a short business trip (4 days) to New York. I will take Collin with me and drop him at my parents house in Poughkeepsie so he can have some Grandparent time. I fully expect to get him back spoiled thoroughly.

My company has been amazing...they have sent flowers from around the world, cards, letters, DVDs, food for our kitties and for us, and even offered to move this meeting to Chicago if it would be easier for me to attend. My boss named a star for my husband, so… Continue

Added by Lakelady on July 19, 2014 at 5:42am — 2 Comments


I’m packing my bags again. Hawaii is my next stop in this new crazy journey of widowhood. As I begin the process of packing for the move, I realize there is really not much to do.  The process this time should only take a few hours rather than days or even weeks.  With each move the past 2.5 years, the material items left to bring along with me have become fewer and fewer.  I have pared down to the bare minimum in order to be able to live this way.  Currently, there are clothes/shoes, some…


Added by AEDforever (Ali) on July 18, 2014 at 10:42am — 10 Comments

Sorry for those F-bombs

Sometimes I want to sing out loud.

I want to project my voice to the heavens, or wherever it is that you are, and show you that I am still in love with you.

That I will always be in love with you.

                                                               I love you.

                                                                                     I miss you!

missing you makes me want to float…


Added by smit09 on July 15, 2014 at 7:00pm — 3 Comments


It has been a "ricochet day" for the last two. I am the pinball flying around the pinball machine, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, sometimes high-speed between the bumpers of my own emotions.

It has been happening since I weathered what would have been our 17th Wedding Anniversary. Instead of celebrating "our summer" I brought two roses to his gravesite and had a cathartic cry while I told him about how much I missed him. I told him all the things he missed (our 11 year old at… Continue

Added by Lakelady on July 15, 2014 at 5:31pm — 2 Comments

Cindy’s Birthday

Last month was the 2nd year anniversary of Cindy’s passing. I spent that day walking by myself and meditating on/thinking about Cindy as I walked. It was in a very quiet setting. I’m glad that I spent the day that way.


I’ve started to make more changes around the house. Putting things were they look the best to me. Making some donations runs. Keeping the house cleaned up (relatively speaking) at any given moment. It’s been a really good feeling. I’ve had a couple…


Added by Mac on July 15, 2014 at 5:23pm — 7 Comments

I don't know what I'm doing....

I don't know where to begin. So I guess I'll fill everyone in. My name is Andy, I'm 30 yrs old. I'm also 29 weeks pregnant. I have a 13 n 3 yr old daughter. My son got his angel wings Oct 18,2013. My husband and I got great news in Jan that we are expecting again. It had been def a stressful time for us since we both were trying to figure out how to continue as parents yet grieve for the child we wanted so much. Then the great news came and it was non stop at the docs. High risk, different… Continue

Added by Andy n James on July 14, 2014 at 3:28pm — 6 Comments

The Tribe of The Broken

Last week while I was at yoga we did this new pose that was laying on your back with your legs and arms extended and hands and feet flexed. A little like reverse walking on your hands and feet or for me for a small moment the feeling on literally hanging from the Universe. It was a very freeing moment for me and yet a very helpless moment as the same time-the feeling of literally being held be the invisible, by being held by faith alone. How many times since John died have I walked into a…


Added by flannery on July 14, 2014 at 8:00am — 2 Comments

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